


You Look So Alive

by sapphistication



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Adopted Finn, Adopted Rey (Star Wars), Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Bisexual Finn (Star Wars), Dog BB-8, Dorks in Love, F/F, First Kiss, Fluff, Gay Poe Dameron, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Kes Dameron is a Good Dad, Lesbian Rey (Star Wars), M/M, Shenanigans, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Soft Boys, Sweet Finn (Star Wars), because apparently i cant get to the fucking point ever, but poe comes and makes it all better, depressed finn in chapter 7, do not expect plot, finn is an anxious babe, kylo ren is a psycho, poe is dramatic and we love him for it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:27:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 78,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23596063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphistication/pseuds/sapphistication
Summary: This is what happens when Poe, the boy who wears his heart on his sleeve and can't keep his mouth shut, ever, meets Finn, the shy new kid in town who's just trying to get by and survive his senior year in high school.(Another FinnPoe High School AU nobody asked for)not abandoned, i'm just slow!
Relationships: Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Jessika Pava/Rey, Poe Dameron & Jessika Pava, Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 152
Kudos: 113





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, my lovely readers! 
> 
> I have once again decided to be very self-indulgent and created this FinnPoe High School AU. This work is still in progress, I don't know yet when I will get the next chapter up or if I'll make a schedule, that depends on the responses I get. 
> 
> This is not beta-ed and English is not my first language, all mistakes are mine and mine alone. 
> 
> Stay safe, sane and healthy! <3
> 
> WARNINGS for this chapter: violence, because Kylo Ren is a psycho, and Poe gets a mild panic attack (because of the violence). It's mild but please be safe if that triggers you.

“He did what now,” Kes Dameron exclaimed, walking out of the kitchen and back to the living room, as always unable to sit still while talking on the phone. Poe winced and felt a lot of sympathy for whoever was on the receiving end. He wondered what was going on, but he was sure he’d find out soon enough if it was important – and judging from dad’s reaction, it seemed to be just that.

Instead of lingering and hoping to catch more snippets of the conversation, Poe turned around and grinned when he saw a very excited Bee-Bee sitting by the front door, ready to go out for a walk. He knelt down and rubbed her all over, pressing his forehead to hers, suddenly overcome with his undying love for his puppy. Who hasn't been a puppy anymore for six years, but to him she would always be the cutest puppy in the whole world.

She was wagging her tail in uncontrollable excitement now, running around Poe, just barely keeping from barking. Poe couldn’t help but laugh.

“Alright, alright, we’re going out, Beebs!”

She halted, looked up at him with her big brown eyes and then ran off to get her harness herself. She had only been doing that for a few days and Poe had no idea why she even started that, but if Bee just suddenly decided to get the stuff herself, he was not going to complain about that.

He put on her harness, grabbed the leash that was still attached from when they had been out a few hours earlier, and slipped into a pair of beat-up sneakers that had been black once, but now resembled more of a washed-out dirty brown. It was a warm summer's day so he didn’t need a jacket, only grabbed his keys and went into the kitchen to let his dad know they’d be gone for a while. Kes nodded and waved before concentrating on what the person on the other end was saying, a deep frown on his face. Poe frowned and inclined his head, wondering just whom he was talking to, but a whine from the front door reminded him of more pressing matters at hand.

Just before the door was closing behind him, though, he could hear his dad exclaim, “Wait, Luke is back? Since when? Why? What the fuck, Leia, talk to me!”

Well. That answered one question. But… _what_?

A bark and an insistent tug on the leash in his hand kept him from dwelling on his confusion, though, and just like that, Bee had all of his attention again. They took off running, Bee-Bee easily keeping up with him and even having the audacity look up at him expectantly, as though she wanted him to run even faster or to give her a treat for running at all. Knowing himself, Poe would probably do just that once they reached the park nearby. His dog deserved all the treats and she _knew_ it.

He couldn’t help but laugh like a madman, which his lungs decided was a very bad idea, thank you very much. He just felt so _alive_ when they ran like that, the sun shining down on them, the light breeze blowing in his face and probably making his curls look even messier than they were anyway. It was a beautiful day that he got to spend running around with his wonderful dog and he absolutely loved it when he felt alive like this.

They reached the park within a few minutes, and while Poe’s lungs hated him a lot right now, Bee-Bee could not look happier. After making sure that no kids and no other dogs were nearby, he unclipped her leash and she took off, running around him in circles like she had done at home, but she had far more room now. While Poe had to catch a breath and take a break, his very sympathetic dog was fine entertaining herself for a while, running around, rolling in the grass, digging in the dirt and just being the cutest dog ever. Business as usual.

Poe closed his eyes against the sunlight and took a deep breath of the fresh summer air, listening to Bee-Bee’s excited barks as she ran from one tree to another and back to Poe, never stopping for just one second. 

They played fetch for a while until Bee decided it was time for running around like crazy again. He took out his phone and snapped a few pictures to provide Jess with her daily dose of Bee-Bee-content. They were blurred because his phone’s camera was not the best out there, and Bee still ran and jumped and spun like crazy – but to Poe, that made the pics all the better.

Just when he’d put his phone away and was about to tell Bee they were going home, he saw three figures approaching him. He froze and hoped they would just ignore him, mind their own business and just leave him alone for once. As it was, luck did not seem to be on his side, because Ben Solo and his freakishly tall friends were headed straight toward him, sneering like his mere presence was laughable to them. It probably was.

“Well, well, well, if it ain’t Poe Dameron.” Ben spoke. Even on his warm summer day he was clad in a black hoodie, black skinny jeans and combat boots. No wonder he was so angry all the time, underneath all those layers he must be having a heatstroke that probably fuelled his anger even more.

They were still approaching him, his friends half a step behind Ben to make them seem intimidating but honestly, it just made them look even more stupid than their sneering. They were coming closer, ignoring every social rule about personal space, but Poe didn’t budge. He saw that Bee-Bee had stopped running around and was watching them closely, trying to ascertain whether her friend was in danger or not. Her head was up, her tail stopped wagging and she looked tense, but she didn’t move yet. Poe was grateful for that because he didn’t know what Ben and his weirdo friends would do to his dog if they got their hands on her.

Ben was only staring at him though, maybe waiting for Poe to back down, but Poe still didn’t budge an inch and just grinned at Ben, raising his eyebrows expectantly.

“So, who talks first? Or have you only come here to look at me and continue your pining from up close?”

Ben flinched minutely, barely, but Poe saw it and could not contain his smirk. He knew how to rile up Ben Solo, how to push his buttons and humiliate him. He knew it was stupid and potentially very dangerous, but you wouldn’t hear anyone say that Poe Dameron was particularly intelligent, that he had a sense of self-preservation or that he was not, in fact, an idiot.

“So, just admiring the view then, Ben?” and he might or might not have put a special emphasis on the _Ben_ , knowing how much the boy apparently hated that name and told everyone to call him Kylo. He didn’t miss the glint in his eyes before suddenly there was something cold and sharp on his throat. It took Poe a second to realise it was a fucking knife in Ben's hand. Bee-Bee barked and Poe briefly met her eyes because his wonderful, intelligent dog was looking right at him, waiting for a command. Poe raised his hand toward her, fingers spread apart like he was a stop-sign. It was their sign for “wait”, “hold back”. And she did.

“What’s my name, Dameron?” Ben hissed.

He looked back at the black-haired boy with that big scar down his face, meeting his eyes like he wasn’t afraid of him. “Ben,” Poe said, and he didn’t know how he managed to sound so calm and defiant when his heart was racing and fear was bubbling inside him. He could feel the adrenaline flowing through his veins, could feel his pulse in his clenched hand. Ben wouldn’t kill him; at least not here, not today, not in broad daylight in a highly frequented public park. He wouldn’t. Right?

“What. Is. My. Name,” Ben spat and pressed the knife a little harder against his throat. Poe didn’t dare swallow and wondered briefly just what the fuck they were doing here.

“Ben Solo, son of Leia Organa and Han Solo, you absolute psycho,” Poe replied. He made a grab for the arm holding the knife, twisting it behind Ben who cried out in pain or surprise and dropped it.

Then Ben’s friends were on him in an instant, holding Poe between them, immobilising him while Ben was shaking his arm, flexing it. He was seething with rage and looked ready to kill Poe.

But maybe that was just his face, Poe mused.

“Bee, home,” Poe yelled, but his dog looked hesitant. She was growling and barking and whimpering, her tail tucked between her legs. “Bee-Bee! Home!” Poe repeated himself while he still could, while Ben was still rubbing his arm and probably contemplating how to beat Poe to death in a public park. God, why couldn’t he just shut up when Ben Solo was around, he chided himself. He knew exactly why, though.

Slowly but surely, Bee-Bee was turning around, walking back to where they’d come from. Walking home like Poe had told her to. He looked after her, simply because he did not want to look at Ben Solo whose face was in desperate need of a punch or two.

Ben was talking. He’d probably been talking for a while now since he liked to hear himself talk, but Poe hadn’t been listening, too worried about his dog. He didn’t really hear what the boy was saying either because he just realised how afraid he actually was of Ben Solo, how he never wanted to see him again, how he never wanted Ben to touch him ever again.

He couldn’t move, the redhead and the blonde had him immobilised between them. He couldn’t move and Ben Solo was in his face, grabbing his chin and talking to him. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t feel his limbs because the panic was kicking in and he was even a little grateful for it because it meant he wouldn’t have to listen to Ben Solo’s tedious monologues of terror, but he also really hated the panic because he knew they could see it in his face. Ben Solo could see his panic. Again. He really wished he could move. He wished he could breathe.

Then there was a knee in his gut and the little air that was left in his lungs went out with a hiss. Then came the pain and Poe could do nothing about it, he only grunted and wanted for them to just leave him the fuck alone. What did they even want?

“Tell me, Poe Dameron, that you haven’t told anyone!” He could hear Ben again and suddenly understood why they were here, what they wanted, what Ben was so afraid of. Ben was afraid. He was scared and angry and he was using Poe as an outlet – again.

Poe swallowed and looked at him. He was trying to think of something clever to say, but he really just wanted them to leave, so instead he gave Ben what he wanted. “I haven’t told anyone. Why would I, you’re a fucking psycho, it’s not like I’m proud of it or something.”

“Good." Ben punched him in the gut again and Poe was finding it hard to breathe through the pain and the panic. "This is your reminder to keep your mouth shut.”

But before he could continue with whatever beating he had planned, there was a voice from behind Poe. “Hey! Stop it, what the fuck is going on here!”

Ben turned away from Poe and straightened up to his full height, maybe to intimidate the stranger and keep them from interfering in his session of Beating Poe To Death.

The stranger, however, was not having it. “Leave him alone or I’m calling the cops, I swear to God.” And then the boy was in Ben’s face and although Poe couldn’t really see his face, the anger was very prominent in his voice and he made it clear that he was not bluffing.

Ben apparently came to that same conclusion because he nodded to his friends, bent down to pick up the knife he had dropped before and then turned to leave without another word to Poe or the stranger. Blondie and Red dropped his arms but Poe still couldn’t feel his limbs properly and he was shaking all over and there was a pain in his solar plexus and honestly, the cold grassy ground really seemed like a wonderful alternative to standing.

He slumped to the ground, didn’t even try to catch his fall and couldn’t have done it even if he’d tried. Granted, it was not his most graceful moment but he didn’t particularly care, he just wanted to be left alone for a second. He curled in on himself and found himself looking at a pair of brand-new red Chuck Taylor's. For a moment, Poe was very confused as to where the shoes came from, but then the stranger who obviously hadn’t left yet crouched down so he could look Poe in the eye.

“Hey, you okay?” he asked, worry clear In his eyes. Beautiful dark brown eyes, not even the worry in them could hide that fact.

“Just peachy,” Poe groaned. In an attempt to safe what was left of his dignity, he tried to sit up but had underestimated the pain in his gut and how his limbs were still a pile of useless mush. Before he could fall back down, though, there was a hand on his back supporting him and helping him up. “Thanks,” Poe mumbled.

“Of course. Do you need something? Should I call an ambulance or something? Or should I bring you home or call your parents or--“

“Hey, relax,” Poe interrupted the cute, rambling stranger. “Don’t worry, buddy, I’ll be fine in a minute. Just... yeah, just give me a minute.”

“You sure?” He did not seem convinced by Poe’s charm.

“Totally,” Poe nodded and ran a hand through his hair. The boy's hand was still on his back, supporting him even though Poe made a point of not leaning into it. That meant he had to concentrate on not overbalancing and falling over and on his face, but that provided an excellent practice of core strength, so things could be worse.“You can leave whenever you’re ready.” Poe knew he was rude but really, he just wanted to be alone for a moment and then go home and cuddle with Bee-Bee. And he kinda wanted the cute, beautiful stranger that had just saved him from Ben Solo to not see him like this. This was not his greatest moment.

The stranger squinted at him as though he was trying to figure out whether Poe was an idiot or something. Which, yes. Then he just shook his head but stayed right where he was crouched next to Poe.

“Really, you don’t have to stay on my behalf.”

“Okay, then try to stand and I’ll leave you alone.” There was a challenge in his eyes. Beautiful, brave, and no-nonsense attitude. Ugh, why did they have to meet _today_ out of all days?

“Watch me getting up then, smart-ass,” Poe pressed between clenched teeth and tried to move his legs that were still kind of numb. He almost lost his balance multiple times and the stranger wanted to reach out and help him all the time, but Poe always shook his head and just barely kept from flinching. “Don’t touch me, please.”

“Yeah, okay, sorry. Promise, I won’t,” the stranger said and kept his hands down but still looked ready to catch Poe if he fell.

He didn’t. He managed to stand and even though he swayed a little bit at first, he was now standing tall and winked at the stranger. “Told you I was fine.”

The boy sighed but smiled. “Glad you’re okay." Then he looked around, maybe to find any evidence on what he had just walked in on. Or maybe to see if Ben and his minions were still around somewhere. He turned back to Poe as he seemed to remember something. "By the way, was that a knife?”

Poe shook his head seriously. “That was Ben Solo.”

Again, the stranger squinted at him and ugh, that was really cute, okay. “Did they hit your head, too?”

“Nope, I’m always like this,” Poe assured with a tired grin.

The boy huffed with something akin to amusement. Or exasperation. Probably both.“Are you an idiot?”

“Most definitely. You?”

“Sometimes.”

Poe bit his lip. “Good,” he nodded and that right here felt a lot like flirting. Which was really fine by him normally, but now he just really wanted to go home and cuddle with his dog and not risk running into Ben Solo again. “Listen, thanks for helping me, but I really gotta go now.”

“I can walk with you if you want?”

Spend more time with his dashing saviour, have him walk him home and then exchange names and maybe phone numbers? Any other day that would sound wonderful and Poe would not miss out on this opportunity. But he just really, really wanted to curl up somewhere with Bee-Bee and not have to be a person for a while.

With a heavy heart and an internal pout for having had to meet this boy _today_ of all days, Poe shook his head. “Nah, I’m good. I don’t live too far.”

The look of worry returned to his pretty, dark face. “What if they’re waiting for you?”

“They’re not, they’re cowards." Are they, though? "And I can take care of myself.” Can you, though?

Wow, okay, Poe did not expect the boy to raise his eyebrow and give him that Look but he guessed he had it coming. “Sure you can,” he deadpanned.

“I do,” Poe rolled his eyes, annoyed at having to function like a person.

Finally, the boy seemed to understand that Poe was not up for company right now and raised his hands, palms up, while backing away from Poe. Just one, two steps, like Poe was an animal he tried not to spook. And maybe he was, because it really helped at the moment and Poe had hope that he would be able to go home now.

“Alright, alright, I’m gonna let you leave now even though it’s stupid. Just, take care of yourself, okay?”

“Always, buddy,” Poe said and shot him a slightly foreced smile. He was thankful, after all. And smitten, maybe. But that didn't matter because he was also very tired. And right now, being tired outweighed everything else. “You too,” he added and then turned around to walk back home. Feeling was returning to his legs, his hands were shaking less prominently, and he could stand up straight with minimal pain, so that was good. Still, with the adrenaline flooding and then suddenly leaving his system, he was so exhausted and tired.

Poe tried not to turn back to the boy, but he kind of wanted to see where the boy would go. But as he turned around, he was still standing there, the sun shining through the trees and creating patterns on his smooth, dark skin. He was just standing there, looking at Poe, making sure he wouldn't fall over, probably. Poe smiled again and turned back around to head home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!  
> Thank you so much for all the kudos on the first chapter! <3 I'm not exactly happy with this one, but I jut gotta get it out there so I can keep going. It has its moments, though. No FinnPoe yet, I wanted to establish some things first before we can have a little more chaos and cuteness in the next chapter <3 
> 
> Poe is still pretty shaken from chapter 1 so general warnings for the mood not being too positive, but there's lots of Bee-Bee and Dameron men sweetness to make up for it. It's fun to write Poe, he's so full of love even when he's grumpy about it haha. Hope you like it!

Poe was so lost in his thoughts, it was not until he was almost all the way home that he realised that he hadn’t even asked for the boy’s name. And he would probably not see him again. Or maybe he would, and by then the beautiful stranger would have saved _another_ boy from his bullies and gotten his phone number and then they’d get together and live happily ever after, and Poe would have indefinitely thrown away his shot. Lin-Manuel Miranda would be so disappointed in him.

He groaned and pulled out his phone, ignoring a few notifications and the new snaps from Snap (heh, that never got old) and switched to his chat with Jess.

 **Pow Damneron** :

> Soo, remember how you always say one day I’ll get myself in trouble and get rescued by a dashing hero?
> 
> Turns out, today is the day
> 
> So if you were praying for me to meet a cute boy at the worst possible moment, thanks for that

**Testor:**

> w h a t
> 
> i need the whole story
> 
> like as soon as yesterday pls
> 
> did you get his number
> 
> what’s his nameee
> 
> poe! dont leave me on read i swear to the god i was secretly praying to for you to meet a guy!!!!

**Pow Damneron** :

> lol
> 
> We still on for tonight?

**Testor** :

> well _now_ we are
> 
> jk of course man is that even a question

**Pow Damneron** :

> Good! I’ll tell you all about it later

**Testor** :

> bitch u better
> 
> you okay tho?

**Pow Damneron** :

> Did you not read my text? A dashing gentleman just saved me, ofc I am fine!

**Testor** :

> oooh so he’s a dashing gentleman now
> 
> thats so gay
> 
> cant wait to hear the whole story! love u

**Pow Damneron** :

> I know
> 
> Love you too :* :* :* :* :*

**Testor** :

> [middle finger emoji]

Poe grinned despite himself. He felt a lot better now, as always when he was talking to Jess, and the prospect of facetiming way longer than either of them should be allowed to talk sounded like a perfect idea. He was sure that once he got to cuddle Bee-Bee for a while, he could be a person again and tell Jess everything. Of course, he’d leave out the part about Ben threatening him, going full psycho and planning to beat him – _actually_ punching him in the gut. He’d leave out that part because he always left out the actual part about Ben Solo.

He’d only talk about the cute boy who had the softest face and the most beautiful skin and genuine worry in his eyes when he'd looked at him. And kindness and bravery, and Poe didn’t even know his name, for fuck’s sake! Jess and the others would tease him and make fun of him and he would hate them so much, but he would love them even more because he got to have this. He got to have friends who would let him be gay and talk about boys he’d just met and maybe would never see again, and they let him be dramatic like that, and wow, he just really loved them.

The sun was still shining down on him, embracing him with light and warmth, dancing on the rooftops and the trees, and the light breeze was still blowing through his hair. The air was filled with the sweet smell of flowers and cookies coming fresh out of the oven somewhere. With all of that, and with the excited chirping of the birds all around him, he could almost forget that this has not been the perfect day it seemed to be. But for someone here, maybe it was. Maybe for the person who had fresh, still warm homemade cookies and someone to share them with out on the front-porch or in the garden or in front of the TV, maybe for them it was a perfect day. And maybe it wasn’t. They could be stress-baking for all Poe knew.

And maybe some days didn’t have to be perfect. Maybe some days could be just that. Days.

He opened Jess’s chat again.

 **Pow Damneron** :

> Wow okay so apparently all it takes is a beautiful boy for me to get all philosophic huh

**Testor:**

> [eggplant emoji] [raindrops emoji]

He laughed and put his phone away as he rounded the corner. There was a bark and his head whipped up. “Bee!” And off he went, running toward his dog who was sitting in front of their closed door, her tail wagging in excitement. But she didn’t move, even though Poe could see her twitch, could see how hard it was for her to stay put like he had trained her to. She really was the best dog in the world, huh?

“Hey, sweet girl!" he cooed as he reached her and she finally threw herself at him. "You’re so good, I’m so proud of you! You’ll get so many treats you’re gonna throw up and I’ll even clean up after you! So good, Beebs!” He was rubbing her all over, hugging her, scratching her behind the ears and around her head until she lay down beside him and decided it was time for belly rubs. And who was he to deny her the belly rubs?

After a while she had enough, got up and licked Poe’s face twice, then bumped her wet nose against his forehead in a gesture so soft it melted his heart. Before he had time to die from a molten heart, she turned around and looked at the door, lightly scratching it, expecting Poe to let her in already. He complied, unlocked the door and she was in before it was even all the way open, the leash still attached and dragging along behind her, but Bee-Bee didn’t seem to care.

“Paps, we’re back,” Poe called as he pulled off his shoes and put his keys in the little bowl like the responsible adult he almost was. He followed Bee to free her from the harness and leash, and stashed them in their respective places.

“Hey,” his dad smiled and looked up from where he was sitting on the couch with a book in his lap, wearing his nerdy looking glasses he needed for reading. Something about seeing Poe made the smile disappear instantly and he was up in a second, approaching his son with worry clear in his eyes. “What happened? Are you okay?”

Poe tried to hide how exhausted he was, how tired he must be looking, and was extremely glad that his hands weren’t shaking anymore. He cracked a smile that he wasn’t really convinced would work. “I’m fine, paps, just exhausted from running around and playing with that little devil over there who has way too much stamina for how little she is.” They both looked over to Bee who had perked up from where she was standing by the open garden door. “I think I’m gonna lay down with her for a while, that okay?” He knew he sounded weak, tired, but there wasn't much he could do about that, apparently. His dad could see right through him anyway.

His dad didn’t look convinced and stared at him for a while longer, but eventually he nodded. “Of course, I’ll call you when dinner is ready. Oh, speaking of! I was on the phone with Leia earlier, right before you left, and they’re gonna come over for dinner later.”

“They?” Poe inquired, trying not to visibly tense up and keep his panic down.

“Han and Leia."

“Ben’s not coming?” he hoped he sounded confused or annoyed, and not as hopeful as he felt.

“Nah. But you won’t hear me complain, that boy has changed too much for my liking. So he can stay wherever he wants as long as it's not in my house if I had a say in it.”

Relief washed through him and he tried not to show it. Instead, he nodded. “Same. I feel bad for Leia and Han, though. Must be hard when your son turns out to become an absolute fucking dickhead.”

Kes laughed out loud at that but sobered up pretty quickly, shooting Poe a solemn look and a genuine smile. “I am very proud of you, Poe.”

“Huh? What for?”

“For not, and let me quote your own wise words here, ‘turning out to become an absolute fucking dickhead’.” The huge dork that was his dad actually used air quotes for that.

Poe chuckled and felt much lighter for some reason. “Well, I’m pretty sure you’d have kicked my ass if I had. All of this,” he spread his arms and spun on the spot, “is your fault, paps.”

His dad grunted and tried to suppress a smile. “Well, then I probably did it so myself, hm?”

“One hundred percent, no take-backs,” Poe nodded with feigned seriousness.

“Shame. Guess I gotta take you as you are then.” He sighed, long and dramatic.

“Yup, you’re not getting out of this one, I’m afraid.”

And then his dad laughed before pulling him into a bone-crushing hug. And as much as he wanted to go lie in the grass with his dog and not be a person for a while, a good, long hug sounded like a perfect idea right now. So he wrapped his arms tightly around his old man in return. Dameron men were always down for hugs and Poe loved it, especially now. His dad was just a few inches taller than he, but it always made him feel like he was just a little boy being held safely in his papa’s arms. Nothing could get to him here, nobody could hurt him, especially not Ben Solo. It was weird, and it was probably stupid to be feeling that way about his father’s hugs at the age of 18, but he didn’t particularly care about that. Society telling him it was stupid would probably only be one more reason for him to hug his dad, so there was that.

After a while, they let go of each other and Kes gave him a sort of bittersweet 'I am your father and I’m very proud of you and love you very much, but I'm also worried about you, son'-smile before turning around to be alone with his book again.

“Leia and Han will be here around 6:30, that still gives you a bit more than an hour with Bee.”

“Great! You’ll call me if you need anything, yeah?”

“Sure, but I’ve already prepared the lasagne, so don’t you worry about that.”

Poe smiled. “You’re the best,” he called over his shoulder as he went outside to join Bee who already lay in the soft grass outside, peaceful like the angel she was. As she heard him approach, she perked up to see what was going on and then gave a delighted little bark when she realised that Poe was going to lie down beside her.

And so they lay there in the warm grass, Poe on his back with his eyes closed, Bee-Bee next to him, her head on his chest, enjoying his gentle strokes and scratches. Lots of people didn’t think dogs could purr but Bee-Bee was ready to prove them wrong as she was practically vibrating, and Poe just loved her a lot, okay.

It was peaceful and quiet, the only sounds surrounding him were Bee’s purring, the birds chirping and a few kids a bunch of blocks over having the time of their lives. The sound of life happening around him. He was feeling calmer by the minute, breathing slowly and evenly, his eyes closed against the world and feeling safe again. The sun was warm on his skin and he could feel a bug on his hand, probably cursing this giant human for being its way and exasperated at having to take the long route from one blade of grass to another.

Sometimes he had the feeling that his dad was watching them through the glass door leading to the garden, but he was too comfortable and peaceful to move and see if the was right, trusting that his dad would call for him if he needed help.

After a while – it could have been an hour or five minutes, Poe didn’t know and he was pretty sure he nodded off once or twice – he did call. Right before Poe could hear the faint sound of their doorbell ringing. He sat up with a groan, ran his hands over his face, pressed a kiss to Bee’s forehead and stood. His back was protesting slightly, cracking in all the right places as he stretched and felt more energised than he had just an hour before. Cuddling with Bee-Bee was actually magic, and he could not be convinced otherwise.

He saw that his dad had already set the table for dinner outside on the patio to enjoy the quiet, sunny evening. “Stay, Bee, I’m gonna be right back.” Then he went inside so greet their guests and help wherever he could.

Leia had brought a bottle of wine that his dad was currently making fuss about and Poe found himself grinning at the familiar scene before him. Han, Leia and his dad have been very close since forever, and if their schedules allowed, they would meet up and have dinner together. Having kids that were only two years apart had made staying close easier, Kes had told Poe once. With Ben only two years older than Poe, the two of them had practically grown up together, and to Poe they had been auntie Leia and uncle Han until he'd hit puberty.

Now Leia was his principal for another year, and he loved her a lot. She was a fierce but kind and fair woman, just like his dad, which was probably why they still got along after twenty-five years. But Poe suddenly realised he felt nervous around her today and it was Ben’s fault. He was afraid that she would see right through him and confront him about what happened. That she would protect her son. Or worse, that she would protect Poe from her son and make Ben even angrier and eventually put herself in a position where she would have to abandon either her son or her strict moral code. He loved Leia too much to make her take that amount of responsibility, and he _knew_ his logic was inherently flawed and he was the victim here but for once, staying silent was all he could do.

So he plastered on a smile and suppressed the tension that was building in his shoulders again. “Hey there,” he greeted and let himself be pulled into a hug by Leia.

“Hello, Poe, so nice to see you again,” she smiled up at him.

“You say that now,” he winked. “Just wait until tomorrow, you’ll wish you wouldn’t be seeing me all that often, General.”

“Oh, hush. No school talk today, I’ll have enough of that tomorrow, I don’t want any of it tonight!”

“Aye, ma’am,” he gave a mock salute and received a good-natured punch in the shoulder for his efforts.

“Damn it, why are you Dameron men always trouble? I came here to have a nice dinner with my wife, not to watch you make a fool of yourself,” Han muttered with a long-suffering sigh.

Poe only laughed at that. “Well, then that is nobody’s fault but your own for setting your expectations too high, Han. You knew where you were going, after all.”

Han rolled his eyes and muttered some more but it was all in good nature – or so Poe hoped. Han was always like this and some days he had to wonder whether the old man actually didn’t like him or if that was just how he was with everyone else.

“Want something to drink?” he asked as he led them outside while his dad got the lasagne out of the oven.

“Well, see, I brought that wonderful bottle of red wine, and I didn’t bring it only to drink something else. So be a dear and get the wine, please?” Leia suggested in that way of hers that sounded a lot like a question but felt more like a command. There was a reason why Poe and his friends were calling her the General, after all.

“Of course! For you, too, Han?”

“Wine? What, do I look like a pretentious, rich white man now?”

“Honest question?” Poe teased and Leia chuckled.

“Just get me a beer already,” Han complained and refused to look at him.

In the kitchen his dad had already decanted the red wine and put it on a tray along with three wine glasses. Poe grabbed a beer from the fridge and, on a whim, grabbed a fourth wine glass as well, put everything on the tray and carried it outside, careful not to trip.

“Kes, this is delicious, thank you!” Leia smiled as they all began eating.

“You’re very welcome. Don’t thank me too soon, though, you’re here for a reason.”

Now _this_ was where it was getting interesting! Poe still didn’t know what had his dad so furious on the phone earlier and he was hoping to find out just what was going on.

Leia and Han were tense all of a sudden, clearing their throats in a manner that was absolutely not suspicious or something, not at all. They were looking at their plates, taking another two, three bites before Han sighed and put his fork down.

“Luke is back.”

“Back where?” Kes sounded impatient more than anything else, like he had asked that question already without getting an answer. “In the state? In the country? In the land of the living? Or did they find a headstone or something?”

Now it was Leia who sighed and met his eyes. “Back in the country. Back in the state. Back in town, actually. Not that far from here.” She took a sip of her wine and so did everyone else, trying to take in the information. Poe was a little lost, to be honest. He didn’t know who they were talking about and whether that shock on his dad’s face was a positive reaction or not. But he wanted to wait with his questions until Kes had all the information he was so hungry for, so he dove into his lasagne while the adults were exchanging weird meaningful glances.

“So, let me get that. Luke Skywalker is back in town after he was gone for _years_ , and just said hi?” his dad clarified, taking another long drink of the rich red wine.

“He is. He did. And he’s not alone, actually. He has two kids now.”

Kes choked on his wine and it took him a while and several sips of water to calm down again. “I’m sorry. He has _what_?”

“He has adopted two teenagers, which is a very great thing to do, Kes.” She raised her eyebrows, daring him to disagree with her.

“No, it is. But… what? Sorry, this is just crazy! This is Luke we’re talking about, since when is he suited to have kids? Raising a kid is hard, taking care of them even more so, and he just…” He stopped himself from saying something he might regret, Poe figured. His dad seemed bitter. He knew there was a story there but he didn't want to ask. Not now.

Leia put his hand on Kes’s. “I know. Trust me, I know.”

There was a weird silence. Han hadn’t said anything all this time and instead focused on his lasagne. His vegetarian lasagne. It was a testament to how extreme this situation was when Han Solo kept quiet about being forced to eat vegetarian in the Dameron household.

“Sorry, but,” Poe took the chance to find out just what the fuss was about. “Who’re we talking about?”

His dad turned to him, his eyes kind of far away. He sighed and ran a hand down his face. “Do you remember Luke? Your uncle Luke, Leia’s brother. He was around just as often as Leia and Han and Ben were. And then when… you know, your mama... I don’t know if you remember this, but he kind of disappeared then.”

Poe thought back, tried to remember the person they were talking about… Until finally he had a memory of him. His eyes went wide. “But that’s, like, ten years ago!”

“Eleven,” Leia supplied. “One day, without warning, he just… he was gone. And nobody knew where he was, where he went, how long he would be gone. Hell, nobody knew if he was even still alive! He might have been dead for eleven years and I would have been none the wiser!” She was furious. She was sad and confused, sure, but she was also furious. And so was his dad, and so was Han.

And Poe understood that. Or he tried to. “But… I mean…” he was searching for the right words, this was a serious and touchy topic after all. “Aren’t you happy that he’s back at all? That he’s alive and well? That doesn’t make it easier, I know, but… I don’t know.” He was not judging, he was seriously curious.

His dad and Leia seemed to get where he was coming from and took a second to really think about it, while Han only huffed and kept eating.

Kes was the first one who spoke. “If you ask me, he could have stayed missing. Life goes on, with or without Luke Skywalker. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he’s not dead or something, but I don’t need him back in my life again either.” And that sounded final, like that was the last thing his dad was gonna say on the matter of Luke Skywalker. Which, Poe knew, was highly unlikely.

Then Leia spoke, quieter than before. “Of course I’m glad he’s back. He’s my brother! I love him and want to know he’s safe and happy. But I’m just... so mad at him. Eleven years of radio silence, Poe, that doesn’t just go away.” She sounded so devastated and Poe really didn’t want to have to hear that tone of voice on her again, it broke his heart a little.

“I’m curious about the kids, though,” Han broke the silence with a mischievous grin. Everyone was staring at him in varying stages of _what the fuck, Han_. “What? Oh come on, you can’t tell me you don’t want to know what they’re like, and how Luke manages being father of two teenagers! I mean, can you imagine? It must be sheer chaos!”

“They must be driving him crazy, hitting the last bouts of puberty, yelling at him and each other. Maybe that’s why he’s back, maybe he’s gonna come begging on his knees for us to help him, to give him a break,” Leia added with am amused grin.

The mood increased after that, and Poe grabbed the half-empty bottle of wine to give everyone and himself a refill. Conversation moved on to lighter topics, thankfully, and Poe excused himself to clear the table and do the dishes.

He found Bee on the living room couch, half asleep already. “Hey, Bee, wanna go take another walk?” he asked, stifling a yawn. The wine was not exactly helping with his exhaustion from earlier and only increased his tiredness. She barely looked up from where she was lying on her rainbow blanket before dropping her head again and closing her eyes. Poe smiled at her. “Guess that’s a no. Sleep well, then, princess.” He gently stroked her head before going outside again and saying his goodbyes. Leia and Han would leave soon anyway but Poe decided he was ready for bed.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, General.”

“Poe Dameron, I better not see you in my office at any point next week!”

“I’m not making any promises here, you know me.”

“God help me, I do,” she sighed but grinned and wished him a good night.

He changed into his pyjama shorts, brushed his teeth, and _finally_ , after a day that felt like three, he could let himself fall face-first on his bed. It was still relatively early for him, only 9.30 pm, but Poe didn’t think he could be a person for one more second.

He opened his chat with Jess, grinning at the memes she’d sent him.

**Pow Damneron:**

> Ugh I’m too tired, sorry
> 
> Can’t call you tonight, tell you everything tomorrow?

**Testor:**

> pshh you just dont wanna share your hot fantasy stranger with me
> 
> IM SHOOKETH DAMERON

**Pow Damneron:**

> *Damneron
> 
> And yeah, you got me, sorry babe

**Testor:**

> okay okay princess get your beauty sleep
> 
> and get me these pics of bee-bee I know you still got on your phone im STARVING HERE!!!!

**Pow Damneron:**

> [4 attachments]

**Testor:**

> <3 <3 <3 <3
> 
> thanks baby i love you so muchhhhhhh
> 
> sleep well boo

**Pow Damneron:**

> You only love me for my dog
> 
> But I guess I’m okay with that
> 
> Good night. Last first day tomorrow…

**Testor** : 

> yeah ill handle that mental breakdown tomorrow and so should you mister

Poe smiled and put his phone on his night stand, the alarm set way too early for his liking. He turned off the dim lights and found himself staring at his ceiling, the events of the day finally catching up to him.

Although Poe wasn't really anxious about starting his senior year tomorrow, and although he was bone-tired and exhausted, he he couldn't sleep. His mind was racing, his thoughts going a mile a minute and trying to outrun each other. That didn't happen too often anymore these days, but when it happened, there was only one thing to do that could quiet his thoughts down to a bearable volume. He really wished Bee was keeping him company so he could curl up with her again. But she had been close to asleep already when he'd said goodnight, he didn't wanna wake her up.

So he just lay there, staring at his ceiling and willing his thoughts to shut up. Maybe he should call Jess after all, have her talk to him until he fell asleep. Wouldn't be the first time, but he really didn't think sleep would come anytime soon tonight, so he didn't bother her. He turned from side to side, avoiding to look at his watch and see how the time passed like it didn't care about Poe Dameron.

After a while of tossing and turning, there was a scratching sound coming from his door. He smiled, so relieved he could cry as he got up.

"Hey, baby, wanna keep me company?" he cooed as he opened the door to let Bee-Bee in. She jumped on his bed and looked at him, waiting for him to join her so she could curl up again and go back to sleep. So he did just that, absolutely grateful to have the best dog in the world. It was crazy, sometimes, how she seemed to know exactly what he needed and was always ready to give it to him. "You're the best," he whispered, smiling at her in the dark.. Bee just dropped her head on her paws and purred as he stroked her head and felt his eyes get heavy.

"Let me tell you about a boy who saved me today, Bee. I don't think I'll see him again, but he was really brave. You'd like him, I think. I mean, I don't even know if I like him, I don't even know him. But he has really nice eyes. And a kind smile. And he won't take shit from fascist bullies. That's basically all we need to know, hm?" Bee didn't react, but talking to her, having her close, was enough to calm Poe down slowly. He felt his thoughts turn away from Ben Solo and the forming bruise under his ribs. Instead, he kept talking about the boy that had saved him.

Even as he was falling asleep, his mind wandered back to smooth, dark skin and big, beautiful eyes only for him. Poe wondered if he would ever see him again, see that shy smile of his and even find out his name. Well, a boy could hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo, I hope that was actually okay. Please tell me what you think. Comments keep me going <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovely readers! <3 I hope you're all safe and well!  
> First of all, I want to thank you for all the love you've been giving me for this, I really appreciate it!  
> As promised, we'll have a little FinnPoe cuteness and a lot of chaos disaster teens, so I hope you'll enjoy this - and if you can spare a second of your day, please consider leaving a little comment.  
> I actually wanted to include more in this chapter, but my anxiety levels have been peaking again and it's really hard to keep going these days, so I'm gonna post this chapter now to maybe make your day better with a little cuteness. And maybe I'll get the next chapter up next week with everything I still have left to say here! Depending on how online classes and my anxiety go haha. 
> 
> Anyway, happy reading!

Honestly, it would have been short of a miracle if Poe Dameron had _not_ been late on the first day of school after summer break. He already had a glowing five-year streak of not making it on time, and today would mark the sixth year in a row. This time, he was struggling with his key that got stuck in the bike lock again, refusing to move one way or another.

"Come on, come on!" he grumbled, glaring at the damn thing. A little twist here, a rattle there and _just_ a hint of violence would usually do the trick. Not today, though, and a glance at his watch told him Leia would have already started her annual speech in the gym twelve minutes ago. He sighed and sat down heavily next to his bike. This would take a while and he was already late, so there was no need to hurry now.

His phone vibrated with a new message from Jess, asking where the fuck he was. He snapped a pic of his key being stuck in the lock and a _sorry, babe_. Then he put phone down and tried the key again, pushing it in slightly and trying to turn it one way and then the other, but it wouldn't budge.

There were three new messages from Jess: A picture of an iced coffee, then a selfie of Jess emptying hers with a blissful expression, and then another selfie of Jess eyeing the full iced coffee with a diabolical look on her face. The last one had a caption: _get here soon babe or this baby right here shall be mine...!_

Oh God, he really hated his best friend for torturing him like this. And he loved her for bringing him an iced coffee in the first place. And he really, really loved iced coffee. He was gay like that. But he couldn’t just leave his bike out here without securing it, it would be stolen before he’d even reached the gym. And it might be garbage, but it was his garbage! He'd actually built and improved this bike with his dad last year and he loved it very much. It was just the lock that kept giving him trouble.

“Please, oh mighty lock of mine, accept this key as a peace offering,” Poe began his very dramatic speech. “I shall never treat you badly, I shall finally get all that dirt out of the lock eventually, and I shall stop complaining about you. I love you, lock, please work with me here.”

He waited three seconds, his hands folded and his eyes closed for dramatic effect, and then he tried again. It worked! “Yes!” he exclaimed as he finally managed to attach his bike to the rack where it couldn’t be stolen without the person being obvious about it.

Then he scrambled to get up, made sure to snap a triumphant pic for Jess to let her know he was on his way, before actually hurrying to the gym which was very conveniently located on the other side of campus. He glanced at his watch. 8:20. Hey, that was only 20 minutes late and classes wouldn't begin for another 20 minutes, so he could just sneak into the gym, get his well-deserved iced coffee and listen to Leia being an amazing principal for a while.

Well, he _could_ sneak in there. The door that would lead behind the bleachers was never locked and he could easily slip inside and go unnoticed by anyone. But he still had no idea where Jess was, and the teachers always stood beside the bleachers. They would undoubtedly stop him and make a scene, and contrary to popular belief, Poe did not want to start his senior year on a bad note.

He had to improvise. And the best way to not seem suspicious was always to be obvious, to make it seem like this was how it’s supposed to be. He just had to convince everyone in the gym that he was not _late_ , but rather that he'd had important stuff to do before he could join them in an obvious, not at all suspicious fashion.

He dropped his bag and crouched next to it, looking for a sheet of paper and a pen. Successful in his search, he wrote a note.

_Leia,_

_I’m sorry I’m late_

_Please don’t make a scene,_

_I’ll even try to behave for the rest of the day. Maybe._

_Now you’ll nod and remember that you basically raised me_

_and I’ll go find a seat and this never happened._

_You’re the best._

Poe grinned and really hoped that this would work. It was a bold move, but not the first time he'd pulled a stunt like that. He just had to hope that Leia was in a good mood and not yet tired of Poe Dameron’s Annual Bullshittery, or this was not going to work.

Note in his hand, he opened the door to the gym and went inside. Immediately, all eyes were on him in various states of exasperation, annoyance, mild confusion, and glee. He tried not to meet anyone’s eyes too much and was heading straight towards Leia who had stopped talking the moment he opened the door and shot him a suspicious and maybe even annoyed look. Poe’s steps did not falter, though, he was a man with a mission and that mission was to not get in trouble. His hand outstretched, he offered Leia the note and stood next to her with a stoic face, hoping he seemed calm and indifferent.

Leia read the letter, huffed and tried hard not to roll her eyes. “Thank you, Poe. Now that that’s done, go find a seat and join us for the rest.”

Poe grinned and just barely remembered to keep up the pretence and say, “You’re welcome.” He schooled his face into something a bit less mischievous and turned around to go find Jess, who was already waving at him from up there.

“What was that about,” she asked when he reached her, her eyes narrowed.

“I was told there would be coffee, so I had to get creative,” he grinned and made grabby hands for the not-so-iced coffee that was standing by Jess’s foot in a very confident, not at all dangerous balance.

“You’ll get it if you tell me what just happened, honey,” she teased him.

A girl in the row before them turned around and glared at them, motioning for them to be quiet. Poe rolled his eyes, but he saw Jess's eyes linger on the girl and the three neat buns that she'd pulled her hair into.

He grinned and nudged her. “Stop eyeing the new girls and give me my coffee, honey-bear.”

Jess shoved him back but finally passed him the promised coffee. “Shut up. Just so we’re clear, you owe me two stories now, Dameron, and I’m gonna make sure the first one will be told later, in all the grand detail. So, what was going on with you and Leia right now?”

Poe laughed and took a sip from the liquid heaven that was his wonderfully cold black coffee.

“I may or may not have given her a quick reminder of how much she actually adores me, begging her not to make a fuss. Oh, and I promised her that I’d maybe try to behave today, so we’ll see how that goes,” he shrugged. 

Jess just stared at him for a second before she rolled her eyes and shook her head with a long-suffering sigh. “You Dameron men and your crazy little stunts, what in the fuck, Poe.” But when he winked at her, she laughed, threw her arm around him and kissed him on the cheek. “Hi. I really missed you, man.” 

“Missed you, too.” Poe leaned into her and drank his coffee, listening to the rest of Leia’s promises of a wonderful school year. He wondered just how right she would be in the end. 

Leia finished up her speech by welcoming all the new students who would be spending their first and maybe even last year here at Ileenium High and Poe was overcome with a sudden nostalgia at that thought. This was their last year. Judging from the way Jess tensed up a bit next to him, she was thinking the exact same thing. 

Before either of them could dwell on that, though, there was applause and everyone went to leave the gym. “Come on, let’s get out of here before Leia decides to make a fuss after all,” Poe said as he got up, empty cup in his hand. 

It was 8:30, they still had ten minutes left before their classes would start - and experience told them that the teachers would take their time getting to class. 

“Where are you headed,” Jess asked. 

“Some history class, you?” 

“Sociology, so same direction.” She grinned and nudged him with a suggestive look. “That means you can tell me all about yesterday.” 

Poe groaned. “Oh boy, if I wanted to tell you all about yesterday, I wouldn’t be done by tomorrow. Yesterday was wild.” 

“Don’t care, you promised me a story, Dameron. Start now, finish later, we have a whole hour for lunch break.” 

They were making their way through the throng of students trying to make sense of their schedules, and Poe gave in. Of course he would have told Jess sooner rather than later, but he wouldn’t be able to get the whole story in under 10 minutes and then Jess would be insufferable until he could finish it. 

He sighed but started telling the story anyway while they were making their way to the humanities part of the building. “Okay, so I was out with Bee-Bee and she was busy being the best dog in the world.” 

“You know, like she does,” Jess provided with a solemn nod that had Poe grinning. 

“Absolutely. So, anyway, Ben Solo and his weirdo friends came around and decided that Poe Dameron having one good day is not a thing that can happen, so they-” 

Jess stopped walking and stared at him. “Wait, did they hurt you?”

“Eh,” Poe deflected. 

“Poe.”

“They wanted to. But I’m getting to the good part here, Jess-” 

“Did you tell anyone? Does Kes know? Hell, does _Leia_ know?” She wouldn’t stop looking at him with that absolute concern and Poe rolled his eyes. 

“No, I didn't, and they don’t. I can deal with Ben, he’s just a racist piece of homophobic garbage.” 

“Yeah, a racist piece of homophobic garbage that wants to _hurt_ you, Poe, Jesus Christ!” she grew louder by the second and people were looking at them. Poe looked aroung to see if anyone important had caught that, but neither Leia nor anyone he knew was around.

"Hey.” Poe turned back to his best friend, pulling her into a hug. “Jess, I’m okay. Don’t worry so much.” She was tense in his arms but returned the hug like her life depended on it. Well, more like Poe’s life depended on it, judging from their situation. It hurt to see his friends and family worry about him, that's why he never really told them the worrysome things.

“Why is he so obsessed with you anyway?” Jess asked as they seperated. 

“I don’t know,” Poe lied and hoped he sounded lighter than he felt. “I would guess it’s only everything about me that makes him angry.” 

“Well, it’s not like you make it hard, man,” Jess shoved him again but there was a smile on her face and that was just so much better than the lines of concern. “So, anyway. The boy?” 

“The _boy_ !” Poe exclaimed with a grin as they continued walking. “So, _Kylo_ was being his asshole self, and his friends were kinda grabbing me and I think he was ready to, like, really punch me? But then, out of the fucking blue, there’s this boy I’ve never seen before and he’s telling them to leave me alone or he’d call the cops.” 

“Wow,” Jess raised her eyebrows. “That takes balls! And he didn’t even know you?” 

“Don’t think so. I didn’t know him at any rate. And trust me, with that face? I would have _known_ him.” 

“So he’s cute?” Jess grinned. 

Poe groaned as he nodded. “Cute doesn’t even remotely cut it. Jess, he was so beautiful. And big. And those _arms_ , holy hell. And obviously he’s brave and stupid for getting into Ben’s face like that, all for me! Ugh!” Yes. He actually just said _ugh_ out loud, and he didn’t even care. 

“Wait, what’s the problem here? You got his number, right?” Poe shook his head, misery very visible on his face. “His name?” He shook his head again. “Do you have _anything_?”

“Noo,” Poe whined. “That’s my problem. And I’m never gonna see him again anyway and that will be that,” he pouted. 

“Aww, pooky,” Jess cooed and Poe would glare at her or grin at her for the reference, but he really was feeling _aww pooky_ right now, so he just pouted some more. 

“Why didn’t you get his number, though? That’s not very Dameron of you,” she frowned. 

Poe shrugged but didn’t meet her eyes. “I was very much not up for conversation of any kind after the whole Ben situation. Just wanted to get to Bee and cuddle her and just exist as a human-dog cuddle-pile.” 

“Okay, yeah, relatable,” she nodded. 

The bell rang, announcing that their first period was starting, but Poe didn’t feel like going in yet. And neither did Jess, apparently. They were standing by their rooms which were, coincidentally, directly opposite each other, so that would improve Monday mornings a bit. 

“I think we flirted, though?” Poe added after a moment and Jess was absolutely staring at him, not sure whether to be amused or bewildered or anything in between. 

“Hold on, wait, okay. So, what you are telling me is that there’s a cute stranger who not only tells your bullies to piss off, but then also apparently makes sure you’re fine, and then _flirts_ with you? And you didn’t even get his number? Pooe!” She groaned but it sounded less like she was judging him and more like she was sharing his misery now. 

“I knoow, I’m terrible!” he whined again on a laugh because this situation was painful, sure, but also very laughable. 

“You’re a disaster, Poe,” she chuckled and threw her arm around his shoulders. “I never thought I’d see the day that Poe Dameron is more of a disaster than a gay, honestly.” Poe shoved her but laughed along at his own expense. 

The hallway around them was emptying as everyone was finding their rooms, and then Poe caught sight of a freakishly tall man with his signature tousled, long brunette hair making his way towards them. 

“Chewie’s coming,” Jess provided. “Think he’s with you. Not sure, though.” 

“We’ll find out in a second,” Poe murmured back as he smiled at Mr Chewbacca. “Good morning, sir.” 

He stopped and looked at them with a mix of humor and suspicion. “Morning, Jess, Poe. Anyone of you maybe wanna join my class?” 

“History or socio,” Poe asked, mirroring the look Chewie gave them. 

Mr Chewbacca pointedly glanced down at the history textbooks he was carrying, and then back at Poe. “Pretty sure it’s history, but I can try my luck at socio.” 

“I mean, I wouldn’t stop you,” Poe offered, trying hard to stay serious. Jess snorted next to him, which was very much not helpful, thanks. 

“No, you wouldn’t.” Mr Chewbacca huffed and motioned for him to get inside. “C’mon, Dameron, let’s not keep the others waiting. You, too, Jess. Pretty sure Mr Beaumont is on his way.”

“Sure thing! Later, Poe.” And then she was gone. 

“After you,” Poe said to Chewie with an overly dramatic bow. “Age before beauty.” 

“If I weren’t almost three times your age, I’d be offended,” he murmured when he entered the room before Poe and motioned for him to close the door so he could start the lesson.

Having Chewie’s class first thing on a Monday morning was definitely not the worst thing. Mr Chewbacca was definitely not the kind of teacher that took themselves or their subject way too serious. He was fun, he was witty, and he actually knew something about _teaching_. That was something to look forward to. 

And, of course, there was the fact that Poe could actually understand him and talk to him as opposed to most people in this class who wouldn’t even try to understand his weird accent. Some people were just too comfortable being intolerant. 

So Poe listened to what Chewie had to say about the history of international politics, took notes or leaned back in his seat when the man would inevitably lose himself in another anecdote of his. 

He was not aware of the boy sitting behind him until the class was more than halfway over. Mr Chewbacca had the admittedly annoying habit of walking from the front to the back of the class while talking, so everyone had to turn around if they wanted to be polite and follow his trains of thought. It was in one of these instances that Poe caught sight of who was sitting behind him. And it was the boy. The stranger. His saviour, in all his tired glory on a Monday morning. And he was looking right at Poe instead of at Chewie like everyone else.

Completely overwhelmed with the situation, extremely happy to see him here, but also way more surprised than anything else, Poe just smiled at him and turned around again immediately. He had to so something! He couldn't just talk to him right here, Chewie didn't like peope interrupting his class - and since it must be the boy's first day, he didn't really want to put him on the spot like that. But he couldn't just wait until class was over, what if the boy left before Poe could talk to him and then they would get caught in an endless spiral of Monday morning half-meetings for the rest of senior year...

And now _he_ was spiralling. First period on the first day, and Poe was spiralling. Might be a new record, he usually made it to lunch before that happened. He had to think of something else - but Poe Dameron was nothing if not creative. Okay, and impulsive.

* * *

Finn had found a seat where he was sure he wouldn't be bothered. Right by the window, almost all the way in the back. He was making sure not to meet anyone’s eyes, laser-focused on the doodles of stars and spaceships and rockets and planets he was scribbling in his notebook. 

The class had already started but there was still a lot of noise on the hallway and the teacher was being late, so Finn had a bit more time to doodle and not freak out or text Rey that he wanted to go home. People in this room were thankfully all too tired to function on a Monday morning which was completely fine by Finn because it meant a quiet room instead of people unnecessarily shouting at each other. 

And then the teacher, a kind-looking but extremely tall man with long brunette hair, started the class. Or, Finn thought he did, but he couldn’t really be sure. The man’s accent was so thick, Finn couldn’t even pinpoint where exactly he would put the man. Somewhere in Europe maybe? Or Mars? 

He had to concentrate so hard on what Mr Chewbacca was saying that most of the class had already passed before Finn caught sight of the boy sitting in front of him, leaning back in his seat and listening to Mr Chewbacca rather than hastily taking notes like everyone else in the class. He had dark curls that looked kind of familiar, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it… Until he raised his arm to answer a question and began to speak.

And Finn’s heart stopped. And he didn’t know why. He was suddenly excited to see the boy again, to know he was okay. Maybe he could talk to him again, but judging from his reaction yesterday, the boy wasn’t really interested in talking to Finn, let alone be friends. So maybe he shouldn’t be getting his hopes up. It was just… it would be nice to have friends here, no matter what he tried to tell himself.

He caught himself staring, tried hard not to think about it, though, and continued taking notes instead. Until suddenly there was something on his table. Finn looked up to see the boy smiling as he turned around - it was a sweet, soft smile that had Finn smiling back immediately. Then he looked down on his table and frowned at what was sitting there. 

A paper plane? With two sets of wings on each side? Or maybe a small spaceship, folded neatly from a piece of paper. He’d never seen anything like it, and it could also be a weird looking flower or something like that, but somehow he wanted to go with spaceship. A very small, very cute one. He turned it over in his hands and read a note tucked neatly between two of the potential wings. 

_Hey sorry I was so rude yesterday. Let me make it up to you? I could show you around if you want? It’s cool if not, just throw a piece of paper at me then, I’ll take the hint. I’m Poe btw, hi._

Finn smiled. Like he would just throw a paper at _Poe_. He quickly turned the note around and wrote, _Finn, hi. Sure, let’s talk, I’m free next block :-)_

Wait, did he really just write that smiley face? With a nose? Like a damn grandpa? Well, it was too late to do anything about it now. 

Mr Chewbacca was writing something on the board right now so Finn saw his chance, leaned forward, tapped Poe on the shoulder and passed him the spaceship with the note. Poe was being really stealthy about it and that somehow made Finn smile again. 

A few moments later, the spaceship with the note was back on his desk. _Great! Also, you can keep the X-Wing._

X-Wing. So it really _was_ some sort of aircraft then! Upon further inspection, Finn could see how the wings would sort of form an X-shape. Ish. Poe turned around again and grinned as he saw Finn inspecting his improvised origami spaceship. What a nerd, Finn thought with a warm feeling spreading in his chest. Maybe he would be making a friend here after all! 

After class, Poe waited for him by the door and lit up as Finn joined him. “Hey, buddy! How’d you like Chewie’s class?”

“Chewie? Mr Chewbacca?” Finn clarified as they started walking, ready to just follow Poe's lead. He shrugged. “It was cool, but I don’t think I caught all that. What even is his accent?” 

Poa laughed out loud like that was some kind of inside joke. “Buddy, no one knows! And he doesn’t want to tell us, he’s mean like that. My guess is somewhere in Europe, but it might as well be Mars.” 

Finn grinned and shook his head. That was exactly what he’d thought, too! He told Poe just that and the other boy laughed again before explaining to Finn just how amazing he thought Mr Chewbacca was. Apparently, that man had been in almost every country and he knew a lot of things about basically everything.

"So maybe that's his accent then," Finn suggested.

"What? You think he picked up some from every country he's been to and just scrambled it with English?"

Finn shrugged. "I mean, sure as hell sounds like it, don't you think?"

Poe laughed again. He seemed to do that a lot more when he wasn't being bullied and beaten, and Finn really liked it better that way. It was a very contagious laugh.

Although they were walking, and Poe was greeting people left and right, Finn felt like all of Poe’s attention was solely on him, which was not a thing he was used to. But it wasn’t uncomfortable either. 

“Hey, you wanna join us for lunch later?” Poe asked as they stopped in front of another room.

“Us?” As much as he wanted to spend time with Poe and make a friend, Finn wasn’t sure he was ready for too many new people today. And he had a lunch date with Rey already. But Poe had this light in his eyes as he asked him. A light that told Finn Poe would really like it if he joined them, but that it was completely fine for him to say no, too. He kind of liked that about Poe’s eyes. Not that he liked Poe’s eyes or something…

“Yeah, me and Jess and Snap and the others you haven’t met yet. They’re the best, but it can be a bit much, so it’s completely fine if that’s too overwhelming for one day. Or in general. Don’t worry.” 

Finn hesitated. Making friends with Poe made him feel like he could be friends with anyone, like it was easy meeting new people. It boosted his confidence and now he really wanted people here to like him so it wouldn’t have to be him and Rey against the world. Well, it would always be him and Rey against the world, but it would be nice to have someone else on their side, too. 

“Buddy, it’s fine,” Poe reassured him and put his hand on Finn’s arm. “You don’t have to, don’t go spiralling here.” He looked like he meant it, like he knew what was going on, and Finn was suddenly really grateful for the note and the X-Wing. 

“No, it’s just… I want to? But I gotta ask Rey first.” 

“Rey?” 

“My sister. I already have a lunch date with her.” 

“Oh! Well, you can bring her, too. That’s no problem, the more, the merrier,” Poe grinned. When Poe did that, his whole face scrunched up in a really cute and confusing way.

“Really?” Finn couldn’t help but smile, too. Poe was contagious like that, apparently. 

“Sure! I don’t see why not!” He seemed really excited, it was very sweet. “You go ask her and if she doesn’t want to or you change your mind, no hard feelings, man. But if you do wanna join us, you’ll find us outside by the senior tables, which sounds really abstract right now but it’s hard to miss, trust me.” 

It was so easy to keep smiling and nod along, to promise Poe that he’d ask Rey, to believe that it would be okay either way. 

But Finn itched to ask Poe about yesterday, if he was okay, if they'd hurt him, if he had bruises underneath that shirt, if he’d told anyone. He didn’t wanna ruin the mood though, he didn’t want the light in Poe’s eyes to shut down and that genuine smile to turn into a painfully forced one he’d seen yesterday. So he kept his mouth shut and pushed his questions and worries to the back of his mind. 

And then Poe suddenly hugged him. Finn had no chance to return the embrace, though, it was over too soon. Poe was closer now and he had that solemn, genuine look in his eyes when he said, “Thank you for yesterday, really. And for giving me another chance.” A shy smile. 

Finn didn’t really know what to say, how to react to this sudden change. A little overwhelmed, he could only stare at Poe.

For a moment too long, as it seemed. “Oh,” the boy took another step back from Finn, a sheepish smile on his face. “Sorry. I thought… You kinda looked like you could use a hug? Must be pretty overwhelming in a new school and all.” He shrugged, scratching the back of his neck, not really meeting Finn’s eyes. And Finn couldn’t have that. 

“No, sorry! I mean, thanks. I mean…” he sighed and laughed, mirroring Poe’s stance. Turns out, the everlasting current of anxiety was still going steady inside him, though considerably calmed by Poe’s presence and his ridiculously wide smile. He took a deep breath and tried again. “I did need the hug, thank you. And I’d love to join you for lunch, I’ll see what Rey says.” 

“Great!” Poe grinned again, apparently ready to ignore Finn’s awkwardness. “And about the school and everything, that was an actual offer. We’re friends now so if you want, I can show you around. No pressure, though.” 

“Sure,” Finn smiled. “Yeah, okay, let’s do that sometime. But don’t feel like you have to-” 

“Bullshit, don’t you worry about that. I have the best stories, after all, so if anyone’s gonna give you the grand tour, it might as well be me.” 

Again with that casual invitation of Rey. They’d only been talking for a few minutes but Finn already really liked Poe. And if he said he had the best stories - wait! No way! 

“Hold on,” Finn said and grabbed Poe’s arm. “No way!” He laughed. And Poe laughed as well, a little confused but not pulling away. “That was you this morning, wasn’t it?” 

“Oh God, yes! You mean when I was late and gave Leia the note?” 

“Leia?”

“Principal Organa,” Poe corrected himself with a little blush. 

“Wait, you call her Leia? And, wait again… You were late? That wasn’t some errand she made you run? That was just an blank sheet of paper? And that just… happened?” 

Poe laughed outright then and that sure was a beautiful sound that caught Finn a little off-guard. But not enough to stop him from laughing along with him. 

“Finn, buddy, that’s a lot of questions and I’ve only got two minutes left before someone’s gonna come out here and kick my butt again.” 

“You’re not lying when you say you have the best stories, huh?” Finn squinted at him but really couldn’t stop grinning. And when was the last time that happened? 

“Guess there’s only one way to find out,” Poe replied. Wait, was he… was Poe flirting with him? Was Finn flirting? No, Finn didn’t flirt with boys. Never had. Right? But then, remembering yesterday, maybe that was just Poe’s personality. It must be! Still, Finn felt heat rising to his cheeks and he was very grateful that it wasn’t as visible with his dark skin. 

“Guess so,” he mumbled. “I think you gotta… your class, and-” His heart was racing and he didn’t know why. Was he freaking out? It had been so easy with Poe at first, why was he nervous again now? He didn’t want to be nervous, he was so tired of being nervous and anxious all the time, why couldn’t he be a normal teenager for once? Why couldn’t he- 

“Hey, buddy.” Poe was close again, but not touching. Just smiling, very gentle and concerned. “Take a deep breath?” Finn did. Again. And again. “That’s it. The restroom is down the hall to the left, try the cold water on your wrists, that always helps me.” 

“I’m okay,” Finn said, though it didn’t even sound convincing to his own ears.

Poe just nodded like that wasn’t even in question. “I know you are.” He looked at the time on his phone and cursed. “Hey, we’ll talk later okay? Still gotta tell you all the stories. You know where to find me at lunch?” 

“By the seniors’ tables,” Finn supplied dutifully, incredibly glad about the change in topic. 

“Great, yeah,” Poe said and looked behind himself to check whether the teacher was in the room already. Then he turned back to Finn and did that thing again where he was looking at him and biting his lip. Poe was kind of very distracting even when you were focusing on him only. “Great. I’ll see you then, buddy.” 

“Maybe,” Finn reminded him with a small smile as Poe walked slowly into the room. 

“Hopefully,” Poe offered with a grin before he disappeared completely.

Finn spent a second just staring at the door frame, a smile still splitting his face. His cheeks started to hurt but he didn’t care about that. Maybe this year wouldn’t be too bad after all. Maybe he could have friends. And if his heart could calm down, that would be cool, too. 

Looking down at the X-Wing he was still holding carefully in his left hand, he wasn't really sure he wanted the smile to go and his heart to calm down, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked it, please let me know. These are tough times and comments keep me going <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!  
> I'm so sorry you had to wait so long for me to update, but this chapter was really hard to get started for some reason, everything is kind of spiralling. But I watched a few Carrie Fisher interviews until I felt empowered enough to get some writing done! Don't worry, I'm not about to abandon this story :D  
> I also miss my friends so I'm making this fic as self-indulgent and full of love as I can. Everyone is soft and chaotic and I love them - I hope you do, too. Apparently, plot is lava. You know, trust me to write 4.5k words and still not get any plot in. I'm cool like that haha.
> 
> THANK YOU for all the love you're giving me for this mess of a fic, I really appreciate it! <3 I can't tell you how much I smile at every kudos and how much the comments make my day! You're the BEST!

They were standing in the foyer by the main entrance, waiting for Poe to meet them here. The school was almost empty save for some teachers and a handful students lingering outside on campus. By lunchtime Finn and Rey had been so overwhelmed by everything, they'd needed a moment for themselves to just see a familiar face and talk without trying to fit in. He’d felt kind of bad to bail on Poe, but he also hadn't had the energy to go and socialise. 

So instead, he’d felt for the X-Wing he’d just shown Rey and plucked from it the little note he and Poe had exchanged this morning. With bright purple ink he’d written an apology, asking if they could meet after school, and he had passed it to a girl after making sure she knew who Poe Dameron was. “Everyone knows Poe Dameron,” was all she’d said with a smirk before taking his note with a smile and passing it on to Poe. 

It was a good thing that the first person that wants to be friends with Finn was the popular kid, apparently. And that was a whole other thing he’d have to wrap his head around later. 

Right now they were waiting, hoping that Poe would actually meet them here.

“Finn!” 

Relief flooded Finn as he heard the call from behind them. They turned around and saw Poe approach them with a huge smile on his face. Seriously, that smile was too contagious. Apparently, even Rey wasn’t immune to that because Finn could see a small smile on her face, too. She was tense, of course, but not as much as she had been mere seconds earlier. 

“That him?” she murmured. 

“That’s him.” 

“Seems nice,” she remarked carefully. 

Finn grinned and nodded. Rey was even more anxious about meeting new people than he was, and she rarely ever let people get close - they’d never stayed before, after all. But Finn had a good feeling about this place, about Poe and his wide smile, and he really wanted Rey to like his friends. He wanted Rey to _be friends_ with his friends! So, fingers crossed. 

“Hey guys,” Poe said as he reached them. 

“Hey! You got my note,” Finn said, somewhere between statement and question, and cringed a bit at himself. Well,  _ obviously  _ he got it, dummy! 

“Yeah, I did. Thanks for that.” He smiled at Finn and then turned to Rey. “Hi, I’m Poe. You must be Rey?” 

“Nice to meet you,” she said with the hint of a smile, and that seemed enough for Poe. 

“You too. I love your hair!” 

That elicited a genuine smile from Rey as she ducked her head and absentmindedly played with one of her many buns. “Thanks. I love that spaceship you gave Finn.”

Poe turned to Finn now, slightly amused but definitely touched. “Aww, you showed her?” 

Now it was Finn’s turn to blush a bit, but he nodded. “Yeah, I didn’t want to put it in my bag and damage it, and she wanted to know what it was. Sorry if that wasn’t cool.” 

“No, don’t worry. It’s sweet.” He just. He just said that. Did people just say it when they thought things were sweet? Did people give compliments just like that? Or was that a Poe thing? He sure seemed utterly comfortable just saying what he thought. Before Finn could react, though, Poe had turned to Rey again. “Want one, too?”

Her eyes grew wide. She absolutely loved spaceships and generally everything related to space, had absolutely gushed over the X-Wing earlier. They were a bunch of little nerds right there. She nodded and smiled. “But only if that’s okay. You don’t have to.” 

“Nah, don’t worry, I love doing these little things.” Whether he meant folding the origami spaceships or generally making people happy, Finn didn’t know, but he had a feeling both things were accurate. 

He noticed there was a dimple in Poe’s cheek when he smiled and for some reason that was very endearing. Finn found he couldn’t quite look away - and boy, that was definitely something he’d have to examine later...

Poe turned back to Finn and raised his eyebrows. “Ready for the grand tour?” 

“Sure,” Finn motioned for him to lead the way. 

“Oh, I completely forgot! Is it okay if my friends Jess and Snap join us?” 

Finn looked at Rey and shrugged to signal he was okay with that. He had the feeling that if these people were friends with Poe, they couldn’t be too bad. And if it got too much at any point, they could still just leave. 

Rey nodded. “Sure, if they want to spend time with the new kids?” 

“Oh, you’ll love them!” Poe laughed. “I’ll be right back, they’re right over there.” And just like that, Poe ran off to get his friends. 

“You know, I kind of get the feeling that boy has a lot of energy.” Rey murmured amused, her eyes never leaving Poe’s retreating back. 

“He kind of does, doesn’t he? But it’s…” cute.

“Refreshing?” Rey supplied as Finn trailed off. 

“Definitely.” 

“It’s weird, and only the first day, but I kind of-” 

“Want this to work?”

“Yeah.” 

Finn nodded and threw his arm around Rey’s shoulders to pull her close. “Me too, Rey. Me too.” 

Poe returned with two people in tow. A beautiful girl, smaller than him, with a cheeky smile and Asian roots somewhere in her family tree, and a tall, good-looking, chubby boy who was laughing at something Poe had just said. 

“Finn and Rey, Jess and Snap. Jess and Snap, Finn and Rey,” Poe introduced them and for a short moment, everyone shared friendly but a bit awkward smiles and 'hey's. Or maybe that was just Finn being awkward. 

“I heard you two're gonna get the grand tour now?” Jess grinned. 

“Yeah,” Finn said, feeling shy but wanting this to work, so he smiled. “I was kind of promised there would be stories?”

The three friends shared a look and Jess looked like the cat that got the cream. She turned to him and Rey and cleared her throat for what was probably dramatic effect as she put her hands on his shoulders. “Finn. Oh, sweet Finn. Honey. Trust me, we have  _ all  _ the stories!” 

They laughed and started walking while Finn and Rey shared an amused if slightly concerned look. What chaotic group of friends were they about to get involved with? 

“Okay, guys, first stop is Mrs Organa’s office.” Poe declared as they’d rounded a corner and stopped in front of a door that was marked with a little sign saying  _ Principal Organa _ and her office hours. “Might be important to know where it is if you ever get sent here.”

“Like the one time the three of us were sent to Organa because you and Ms Holdo got into a heated argument about Hamlet’s sexuality,” Snap grinned. 

"And you called him the personification of _Be gay, do crime?_ " Jess offered.  


“Hey, my point was very valid, though!” Poe poked Snap in the ribs. “Hamlet and Horatio were totally a thing. They practically declare their love during the play!”

“Yeah, and everything was fine until you and I acted it out when Holdo didn’t want to hear your arguments,” Snap chuckled, poking him right back. 

"Yes!" Jess yelled. “Oh my God, yes! I still have that video!” She waved her phone in front of everyone’s faces, a triumphant look of mischief on her face.   


“Okay, I have got to see that!” Rey said, her eyes wide in wonder and amusement, and Finn was extremely happy to hear her say something, too. Also, he needed totally needed that video. For scientific research purposes, of course. 

“Hey, no sharing embarrassing videos of me on the first day, you know the rules!” Poe snatched Jess’s phone away and held it out of reach. 

“Psh, killjoy,” Jess grumbled and pouted at Poe who rolled his eyes but gave back her phone and stuck out his tongue at her. 

It was extremely sweet to watch them interact with each other but it also stung a little to have never known that kind of friendship and somehow still missing it. And then all of a sudden, Finn felt like an intruder, like an imposter, acting like he could just force himself into this established friendship dynamic and be a part of it. What were they even doing here? Maybe he and Rey should leave and just hope they’d find their way around school eventually. They should just leave Poe, Jess and Snap alone and-

Then Poe’s arms were around his shoulders. “See, my buddy Finn right here is one of the good guys. He’d never be mean to me like you, Jessika. Right Finn?” 

He swallowed arounf the lump that had formed in his throad. “Totally!”

“See? Told you! We’re gonna keep him around, I need someone on my side.”

And just like that, for the second time that day, the current of anxiety crawling under his skin dissipated a little. Poe probably didn’t even know what he’d just done, but Finn could take a real breath again. 

His arm still around Finn’s shoulder, Poe dragged him along to continue their way around school. “You okay?” he murmured so quiet only Finn could hear, and okay, maybe Poe had known exactly what he was doing. Somehow, that meant even more to Finn and made the undercurrent of anxious energy disappear completely. 

He smiled and nodded while he slipped his arm around Poe for a second, too, to return the gesture. Poe returned his smile with a grin and clapped him on the shoulder before slipping free and turning around to face everyone. 

“Okay, so the general structure of Ileenium is pretty simple. Every side of every floor is basically a different department, faculty or whatever you wanna call it. This side is humanities and languages, the other side is sciences over two floors, and right above us is the music and arts stuff. As long as you remember that, it’s pretty simple to find you way around.” 

Jess laughed. “Or not! Remember how in Freshman year I got really lost because for some reason I was so sure biology was in the humanities wing?” 

Poe chuckled. “Yeah, well, if you’re a person with common sense, it’s pretty simple.” 

“Hey!” Jess glared, then sobered up and shrugged. “Okay, true.” 

“And the gym is all the way back there, but you know that already,” Snap added.

“Okay, so.” Rey pointed in the various directions. “Sciences, humanities and languages, and art stuff above us.” 

“Yeah! See, it’s not actually that hard to find your way around, I was just dumb,” Jess said and smiled at her. “B y the way, I absolutely adore your hair. Your complete look, actually. Been meaning to tell you.”

Aww, was that a blush on Rey’s face? What was it with these people and their casual but absolutely genuine compliments? She returned Jess’s smile and tucked a stray curl behind her ear. “Thank you.”

Jess looked at her a moment longer, before something like recognition showed on her face and hey eyebrows shot up. “Oh! Now I know where I saw you before! You’re the girl from this morning who told Poe and me to shut up!” Jess laughed now and so did Poe. 

“Yes! Oh God, I remember! Sorry, I’m just really bad with background noises? Especially if that noise is other people’s conversations I don’t particularly care about.”

Rey was always up front, always honest, not sugar-coating, and while Finn usually loved that about her, he couldn’t help but wince now. What if Jess and Poe were put off by her bluntness?

Turned out he needn’t have worried. Jess only laughed and put her hand on Rey’s shoulder. “Hey, no sweat. Sometimes with that boy over there, we need someone to tell us to shut up.” 

“That’s true,” Poe shrugged. “Don’t worry Rey, feel free to tell us to shut up anytime. We’ll see if we do.” He winked, and just like that, any awkwardness and tension was gone. How did they even do that? 

The tour continued after that. Poe led them around the building, showing them all the essential rooms and sharing even more stories and anecdotes about themselves or even some teachers. Apparently he knew a few of them personally, but categorically refused to spill the tea in that are. Noble, but boring. 

After one particularly funny story involving Poe, Leia Organa and Mr Chewbacca that lead to both Poe and Mr Chewbacca being late for his own class and therefore not writing that test that had everyone extremely stressed for a week, Finn was certain that Poe hadn’t exaggerated. They did have the best stories. And nobody could stop laughing. 

“Or, guys,” Snap said again, holding his side, breathing hard and still grinning, lost in the memory. “Guys. The time I was extremely sleep-deprived in Freshman year and decided it was a good idea to prank that new teacher by hiding in the closet? And,” he trailed off, laughing, and Poe and Jess, who had just tried to calm down, joined in again because that story was a classic, apparently. 

“And then she does attendance,” Jess said, wheezing.

“And she gets to the last one, and all you can hear is a crash, while Snap is trying to get out of the stupid closet, yelling 'Wexley's here!',”  Poe jumped in. 

It was getting hard to understand them through their laughter, but Finn already thought this story was hilarious. 

“And the door has fallen off already, but there I am, feeling really cool and trying, but absoliutely failing to be casual.” 

“And all you hear is Poe going ‘Oh snap!’ and then half the class was on their tables, laughing for like fifteen minutes.” 

Finn tried to picture that scene, and yeah, he could totally see that happen. 

“I actually felt really bad for the teacher, but that day was iconic,” Poe declared, still shaking from laughter. Even Rey was laughing openly, and if that wasn’t a rare sight. 

It took a few moments for them to calm down a bit, but eventually Snap had enough control over himself to say, “I got detention that day and had to replace the stupid closet, but ever since that day, everyone’s been calling me Snap. So it was kinda worth it.”

“Wait, so what’s your real name then?” Finn asked, still chuckling.  


“Nope, not gonna tell you that,” Snap crossed his arms and turned to walk away, but he didn’t get very far before Poe chimed in. 

“His name is Temmin Wexley, because apparently that’s a name.” 

Finn stared at Snap who was glaring at Poe now. Temmin. Huh. “Okay, yeah, I can get behind the insistence on a nickname there.” He turned back to Poe. “Are all your stories that… chaotic?” 

“Excuse me, have you met me?” Poe asked, appalled at his level of chaos being questioned. 

“Huh, true,” Finn amended with a little shrug, and that was that. He was also extremely glad that he _had_ met Poe, but he didn’t need to say that out loud. 

The tour through the mostly empty school continued with easy conversation, away from the stories and on to Finn and Rey who told a bit about themselves. 

“So you’re adopted and moved here last week just because your father hoped you’d like it here?” 

“Yeah. He grew up here and asked us if we wanted to move. We couldn’t really… fit in back there. And he was worried. So it was kind of a no-brainer,” Rey answered her question and Finn hoped that wouldn’t evoke pity. He hated pity. 

“That’s sweet of him, though,” Jess smiled, not a hint of pity or condescending in there. 

“It is," Rey nodded, soft. Finn knew how much she loved their father and she never grew tired talking about him.  


“It’s also a good thing you two fit right in,” Poe said and nudged him with a soft smile. 

“We do?” Rey couldn’t contain her surprise. Neither could Finn if he was honest. 

“Uh, yeah?” Snap chimed in. “Finn being a hero and saving Poe from that fascist asshole and then asking if Poe's an idiot .5 seconds after meeting him is exactly the amount of sass and drama we need in our group. And you two just generally putting up with us for the past hour speaks highly of your low standards and sense of humor, so yeah, you fit in just perfect.” 

Poe and Jess nodded at that and Finn couldn't stop the giddy feeling. Oh God, Finn hoped they meant that. He really, really did. A little bit lost in his hope, he let the light conversation unfold around him, noting that Rey was keeping close to Jess and Snap, too, instead of sticking to herself and walking alone. He smiled at that, letting the warm feeling in his chest spread at the sight of the smile on Rey’s lips. 

“Oh!” Jess snapped her fingers, as they rounded a corner on the second floor, an excited grin on her face. “Or the day Snap spent a whole class on the toilet over there playing Candy Crush?” 

Snap guffawed. “Oh man, I completely forgot about that! But what can I say, I had a streak and it was far more interesting than... whatever the class even was,” he shrugged. 

“Buddy."  Poe huffed. " It was Candy Crush.”   


Snap shoved him. “You don’t get to judge me, Mister Crossy Road addiction!”

Poe shoved him right back. “That game at least has some action and needs reflexes, okay.” 

“Sure, if you say so,” Snap grinned, and threw his arm around a laughing Poe. 

Finn felt comfortable just walking along and watching them as they slowly wrapped up the tour around school. 

Sooner than he would have liked, they were exiting the building and attacked by the oppressively beautiful summer day. 

“Well, that was fun,” Jess said as they all stood in a circle in the shade just outside the building. “Welcome to Ileenium, guys!” 

“Thank you,” Rey smiled genuinely. 

“Hey, anytime,” Jess winked at her and Finn couldn’t stop his grin at the blush that was spreading across Rey’s cheeks. He had a strong feeling that Jess was actually flirting with his sister - but then again, he didn’t know her enough to tell if maybe that was just her outgoing, charming, flirtatious personality. Like it seemed to be with Poe... Who was looking at him. Did he have something on his face? Finn barely suppressed the urge to wipe his cheek to find whatever it was Poe was looking at. 

“We’ll see you guys around, then?” Snap asked, moving his messenger bag from one shoulder to the other. 

“Sure,” Rey answered without a hint of uncertainty or tension. This really went better than Finn could have hoped. 

“Yeah?” Poe asked, now looking at Finn with an extremely soft expression Finn was not prepared for. 

It was a non-question, really. He smiled at him and nodded. “Yeah.” 

“Sweet!” Jess exclaimed and clapped her hands once. Then she wrapped her arms around Poe and Snap before turning back to Finn and Rey. “Hugs?” she asked waited for them to nod before going in for a hug. She wasn’t a full body hugger, but it was still sweet. Snap followed suit and the two of them said their goodbyes before leaving Finn, Rey, and Poe standing there. 

“How’re you guys getting home?” he asked. 

“Oh, we’re walking. It’s just a twenty-minute walk from here. I think we might be headed in the same direction?” 

“Sweet! I gotta go get my bike, but uh, don’t feel like you have to wait for me or something.” 

Finn looked at Rey but she only shrugged. She didn’t seem to mind walking a bit of the way with Poe. “Nah, we’ll wait for you.” 

Poe beamed at them before taking off to get his bike. After checking in with Rey, asking if she really way okay with spending more time with Poe, Finn turned around to watch Poe again. He seemed to be struggling with the lock on his bike, though, and had to sit down in front of it. Finn could hear his muffled curses as he fought with his key and it was both hilarious and kind of adorable. 

“I’ll be right back,” he told Rey before jogging over to Poe. “Need any help?”

“No, just patience. And a new lock, apparently.” 

“I wouldn’t have guessed,” Finn smirked, leaning down so he could be obnoxious.  


“Wow, okay, smart-ass,” Poe grumbled but Finn could see the grin on his face, so he knew he hadn’t fucked up.  “That’s actually the reason I was late today.” A pause and more twisting and turning of the key. “Well, okay, no, I was already late. But this sure didn’t help.” A click. “A-ha!” Poe triumphantly raised the lock above his head as he got up off the ground. “And some people say violence is never the answer.”

“Oh, so you’re promoting violence now?” Finn grinned. 

“Only against stupid old locks, don’t worry.” 

“I thank you in the name of all the intelligent new locks then,” Finn said solemnly. 

Poe stared at him, his eyes narrowed but a smile tugging on the corners of his lips. “You’re making fun of me.” 

Finn gasped, and he honestly didn’t know where all that came from, but he really enjoyed it. “Me? Making fun of you? I would never!” 

"M-hm." More staring until Poe shoved him lightly. “Sure, buddy. Whatever you say.” Together, they walked over to where Rey was waiting for them. “Rey?” 

“Hmm?” 

“Your brother is being mean to me,” he pouted.   


Now she gasped, mirroring Finn from just a moment earlier, and Finn couldn’t stop himself from chuckling. “Finn? Mean to you? He would never!” 

Poe groaned and walked away from them, shaking his heads. “You both suck!” he exclaimed but laughed as soon as they caught up to him. 

Yeah, today really went so much better than Finn could ever have hoped. They made easy conversation as they walked home, Poe pushing his bike with one hand and pointing at various things he wanted to show them with the other, from buildings to shops to places he’d gotten in trouble. Finn had learned that Poe only ever got in trouble for a cause, and that was kind of admirable. There was more to Poe than a troublemaker rebel, though. He was kind and sweet and funny and honest and he seemed comfortable in his own skin. But more than that, he seemed to thrive making others feel comfortable, and that in itself seemed to be an act of rebellion in the best way possible. Finn had a feeling that with friends like Poe, Jess and Snap, they were not merely gonna survive Ileenium High, they were gonna have a good time even. 

Before he knew it, they had reached the park where he met Poe yesterday and they’d have to go their separate ways. 

“So, I’ll see you guys tomorrow?” 

“Sure! Maybe we’ll actually join you for lunch this time,” Finn grinned sheepishly. 

“Hey, if you don’t, at least I know I’ll get a note,” Poe laughed. 

“Yeah… Sorry about that,” Finn felt a little awkward about it, but there really was no way that could have gone differently. 

“Hey, don’t worry, I can appreciate a good note for a change.” His smile was cheeky but his tone seemed honest, genuine. Like he really didn’t mind the note. Poe was weird like that. 

And then his whole demeanour changed and he seemed nervous all of a sudden. Was he going to tell them that he changed his mind and they couldn’t be friends in public? Poe did seem to be rather popular, so maybe he really didn’t want to hang out with the weird new kids? Before Finn could go full-on spiralling, though, Poe gave him a shy smile. 

“Um, about that... I mean, I really do appreciate a good note, but, uh, I could also just give you my number? I you’d want to, I mean. If not, that’s cool, too, we’ll just go old school then.” Wow, okay, was he actually nervous? Just because he was asking for Finn’s number? That wasn’t a big deal, was it? Was it? 

“Uh, yeah, totally” Finn said, a little bit confused about Poe’s nervousness, but also a little bit giddy that he'd get to have Poe’s number. He passed his phone to Poe who smiled bashfully as he put in his number and then gave it back to Finn. 

_ Poe Damneron.  _ He laughed. “Is that actually how you spell your last name?” 

“Well, it should be.” 

“True.” He couldn’t stop grinning as he dialled the number until he heard Poe’s phone ring. Actually ring. Like, who even had their phone on any other setting than vibrate? And who even set a personal ringtone? Wait, was that...

“Marina and the Diamonds?” Rey asked, squinting at Poe. But he just grinned at them and started dancing to the first notes of Bubblegum Bitch until Finn finally hung up and was met with a pout from both Poe and Rey. Finn gave them a playful glare in response and then everyone cracked up. 

“Okay, we already said goodbye, this is only getting more awkward by the second,” he intervened after sliding his phone back into his pocket. “Thanks for the tour, Poe!” 

“Anytime, it was fun!” He gave both Finn and Rey a hug -- a real, full-body hug that was very sweet but definitely too much for a hot day like this. Finn found he didn’t really mind, though. 

And then they went their separate ways, Poe on his bike, Finn and Rey walking home through the park. It really was a beautiful day and the shade provided by the trees was just perfect. They walked in silence until he felt Rey watching him. 

“What?” he asked. 

“Nothing. It’s just… I’ve never seen you warm up to someone so soon.” 

Finn considered that for a moment. He’d been aware, of course, but to hear someone else say it? To have them see it? That made it more real somehow. Had he ever made a friend like Poe before? He couldn’t remember the last time he’d instantly felt comfortable around someone that wasn’t Rey or their father. He really did have a good feeling about Poe, though.

“Huh. Yeah, I don’t think that ever happened before, actually. You like them too, though, right?” 

She smiled and looped her arm around Finn’s. “Yeah, I do. It’s weird.” 

It was. Yesterday, they didn’t have friends. Now they have three. Wild. “Kind of. But a good-weird?”

“Definitely.” 

Finn felt as warm inside as the sun that was beating down on them. The sheer chaotic energy of the trio was amazing. Jess’s casual enthusiasm and Snap’s calm sass was wonderful, and Poe’s bright smile, his kindness and humor felt like the cherry on top. 

The warmth even lasted until he went to bed that night, a smile tugging on his lips as his eyes fell on the little X-Wing he’d placed on his bedside table. As a reminder of a good day and the good person he thought Poe to be.   


He checked his phone one last time, opening his non-existent chat with Poe. He wanted to say something, but he didn’t know what. And it was too late now anyway. So he just looked at Poe’s profile picture again that showed him lying in the grass with a cute little dog, white with a few orange splotches. Maybe a Boxer mix? He'd have to ask Poe tomorrow.   


Sighing, because he was a bit overwhelmed with the softness, he closed the chat and put his phone down with a smile.  That picture did something to his insides with the sheer joy it portrayed. It made the warmth even better, stronger somehow.  The prospect of going to school again tomorrow didn’t seem too terrible all of a sudden.   


Little did Finn know that a few miles away, there was a boy that had the exact same problem, smiling at the thought of him as he let the night settle over him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked it, please let me know; love in all forms keeps me sane these days <3  
> Also if you wanna come yell at me on tumblr for being a slow updater and writing many words without moving from a to b, I'm @natthemess over there.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies!! Who would have thought I'd be back so soon? Not me! But here I am, with A LOT of words for you!  
> Things have been really bad on my end, and then this chapter did not want to get written because apparently I had forgotten how conversations worked? You know, with social distancing and all that. But then I met a friend, so yesterday I started over with this chapter, fueled with the power of friendship, and??? SOMEhow within two days, I created this 9k words giant of fluff and pining and insecurities for you to enjoy. So that happened. Maybe some of you have been having a tough time, too, and maybe this self-indulgent bit of cuteness helps you a bit.  
> Also I had to give you something, because you went absolutely WILD after the last chapter!! The comment count doubled and all the love you gave me? All the kudos and subscriptions and everything??? This chapter is for you as much as it was a means of escape for me. That's why I'm not cutting it in half. You deserve the full dose of teenage mess! :D
> 
> I hope you're all safe and healthy! <3 
> 
> Brief WARNING for guilt that can be read as internalised homophobia, discussion of dead parents (not too heavy, though, but I can tag it or be more specific in the warning if you need me to) - but this chapter is really just the boys being cute and insecure. They're still teens.

Becoming friends with Finn wasn’t as easy as Poe had hoped it would be, but that wasn’t really anyone’s fault. Poe was always surrounded by his friends and people aspiring to be just that. He was a people person as they came and he was far from complaining about that, since he’d always choose a throng of people around him over being alone. And he enjoyed the ensuing chaos, mostly. 

But somehow that meant Finn was nowhere to be seen. Or, he was. Poe saw him almost every day, sitting somewhere secluded with his head buried in a book and Rey close by. They looked over sometimes and then Jess would nudge him and start talking about how cool Rey’s hair was that day or how they’d talked that morning. But they never joined them. And Poe tried not to be disappointed by that. 

“You know you could just walk over there and join them, right?” Jess had said one day when he just couldn’t seem to stop staring at how Finn’s face scrunched up while he was reading a book Poe hadn’t seen him with before. 

“Huh?” 

“You could go over there. Instead of yearning, I mean,” Jess chuckled. 

“I’m not yearning. Shut up,” Poe pouted and dove into his food instead. And that was that. 

The thing was, he felt like a creep with his crush on Finn that just refused to decrease in intensity. That has never happened before, his crushes never lasted longer than two weeks, usually. And by then he’d either done something about it or just gotten over it. Neither of these seemed to be an option with Finn, though. 

And then it was Friday afternoon of their third week in senior year. Poe had been nothing but a crushing mess for almost three weeks now, and Finn still hadn’t texted him. For the seventh time today, Poe opened the messenger app just to look at Finn’s picture. He felt incredibly stupid and creepy and weird, but also everything got a little tingly as soon as he saw it. Finn smiling at something off-camera, it looked like he was just about to start laughing, his face open and unguarded like Poe had yet to see. It wasn’t a special photo, not a professional one or taken with an exceptional camera, but… it was beautiful. Finn was beautiful. 

And Poe was terrible. 

“It’s been, like, three weeks, Poe!” Jess groaned next to him and took away his phone. Poe sighed and buried his face in his arms on the table. He and Jess were sitting in the shade, waiting for Snap to be done with soccer practice. 

“I know how long it’s been, Jess,” Poe whined into his arms. 

“Aw, are you counting the days here?” she teased but ran her hands through Poe’s hair to soothe him a bit. It worked. Damn her. 

“No. I hate this,” he grumbled. 

Jess seemed to realise that this was not Poe being petulant or a whining child with a crush he wouldn’t admit, but that there really was something more to it. She leaned down on her arm as well, mirroring Poe, but still running her fingers through his curls. Bless her. 

“Wanna talk about it?” 

He did. But it was stupid. And also terrible. And- ugh. He shrugged, but she’s known him for _years_ , so she just waited for him to start talking. 

“Okay, so,” Poe started eventually. He moved his head to face her properly, so his voice wasn’t muffled by his arms and the laws of physics. “I really like him. For some reason. I can’t stop thinking about him, and that would be really sweet and all, I know. But, and there’s some _huge_ buts here. One, I feel like a creep because there’s that boy, new in town, he’s got no friends and a history of being fucked over and manipulated by literally everyone. And he’s building his life here and just trying to get by and not bother anyone. And then there’s the weird loud kid everyone knows, and he’s kind of popular and a troublemaker-” 

Jess opened her mouth, likely to tell him he shouldn’t talk down on himself, but he stopped her in her tracks. “I’m not being self-deprecating, don’t worry. It’s just facts. I’m still me, Jess. Can’t deny that.” 

She deflated but resumed playing with his curls and he couldn’t help smiling. She just knew him too well. 

“Anyway, so the sweet, shy boy who most likely has trust and self-esteem issues then suddenly gets attacked by the troublemaker boy who ‘wants to be his friend’. Like, desperately wants to be his friend. For no reason, apparently. And who, to top it off, has a crush on him. Jess, you don’t need to be an psych expert to see there are several massive red flags here. That’s expert grounds for toxicity, manipulation, and mistaking gratitude for romance you bully yourself into. Especially since I don’t know if I can be _just friends_ with someone who has the cutest smile. And I can’t be more, either, because that thing should be the lowest thing on his priorities. If he even likes boys.” He paused. “And there’s the fact that I would get my ass whooped by Rey if she knew about all that, because... everyone’s just bound to get hurt here.” 

He shrugged, looking down again because he couldn’t deal with the look of sympathy on Jess’s face. He didn’t want sympathy, he just wanted to get over this stupid crush. 

“And then add to this that they’re never hanging out with us, huh?” she added, and of course she did. Trust Jess to know exactly what was going on in his head. He nodded but didn’t want to think about _that_. She sighed. “You’ve really thought about him a lot, huh?” 

“All the time!” Okay, he whined now. But he was allowed to whine and not be judged, thank you very much. “It’s so weird! Like, how does that even happen? It never happened before. Usually I just… get some. And then that’s that.” 

She snorted. There was a silence before she spoke up again. “What if those things weren’t a problem? If they started to hang out with us, if Finn had a crush on you, too, if everything went right for once. What then?” 

He stared at her, considering that. Dread filled him for some reason, because he couldn’t do relationships. He couldn’t fall in love, not yet. Unconsciously, his hand wrapped around the dog tags hanging around his neck as always. Of course, if all that happened, there wasn’t much he could do about it, but… “I’d be terrified. Like, really.” 

Jess’s eyes went to where his hand was clutching the tags through his shirt, and there was that sad smile again. “I know,” she whispered and sounded defeated, and Poe hated himself a little for that. But there was no point in lying, especially to Jess. “So, what are we hoping for?” 

Poe sighed. “We’re hoping for me getting over the crush, Finn turning out to be, like, _really_ straight, and then we can all be friends. And for you and Rey to get together,” he added with a sly smile. 

“What?!” she looked at him with wide eyes, a blush on her cheeks, he mouth agape. 

“Oh, come on, like I didn’t notice you staring at her, talking about her hair and outfit and her comments during your classes and her smile. You’re as far gone on her as I am on Finn, if not more! And it’s super cute,” he added, genuine. 

She looked down and Poe laced his fingers with hers still in his hair. “You think it’s cute?” 

“Bro, I always think you’re cute,” he laughed. “But yes. Very. And I think she might like you, too? She’s looking at you more than you realise, I think, because when Finn’s reading, she always seems to be looking over. I’m not sure, though. But there might be hope?” 

A small smile was playing with her lips now and Jess seemed to be a little lost in thought. Poe’s heart grew bigger at that. It was rare that Jess let herself develop a serious crush, she was a lot like him there. He really hoped that there could be something between her and Rey someday. 

“Hey Poe?” she spoke up again after a moment of companionable silence. He looked at her. “You’re not a predator. Or a creep. You’re allowed to have crushes, even when they’re inconvenient and even if you don’t know someone’s sexuality. That doesn’t make you a terrible person. It’s normal, it’s human. Don’t let people tell you otherwise, okay?” 

He had to look away, because he knew that. In theory. But he still felt guilty and couldn’t seem to do anything about it. 

Before he knew it, though, Jess had moved and was hugging him. “You’re not terrible, Poe.” He hugged her back. “Say it,” she demanded. 

Swallowing around the lump in his throat, he said, “You’re not terrible, Poe.” 

She laughed and slapped him lightly on the shoulder. “I hate you.” 

“No, you don’t,” he smiled.

“No, I don’t.” She hugged him a bit tighter and it was really warm today, even in the shade, but he didn’t care. He would never oppose to being hugged. 

“Thank you,” he whispered as they separated. “For everything.” 

“Anytime, babe,” she winked at him and just like that, the tension and heaviness of the conversation dissipated and they were back to normal. It was wonderful how that happened with her all the time. 

Only a few minutes later they saw Snap approaching them, a huge smile on his face. 

“Hey, nerd!” Jess called and Poe laughed. 

“Hey, nerds!” Snap called back and sat down next to them with a slight groan. 

“How was practice?” Poe asked, a bit jealous that Snap at least got to take a cool shower afterwards. 

“Was okay. How was waiting for me to come back?” he grinned. 

“Was okay,” Jess retorted. 

“Oh, so my company is only _okay_?” Poe asked, affronted. 

“Aww, pooky, no. I just don’t want to make Snap jealous with all our plans for world domination we just developed.” 

Snap snorted. “That sounds like business as usual, I’m relieved.”

“Yeah, I’m ready for weekend now,” Jess said. Poe and Snap gave nods in agreement, but Poe couldn’t leave yet. 

“Same, but I gotta stay a bit longer.” He was met with frowns. “Leia asked me to look at the guitars in the music rooms, tune them, attach new strings and all that.” 

Snap nudged him. “Sucks, man, but at least she chose the right person for the job.” He looked at Jess. “We going home?” 

“Yeah! I need my bed and a bucket of ice cream right now!” She got up and turned to Poe. “Can we come over tomorrow? I really miss your doggo,” she pouted. 

Poe laughed. “She’d love it if you came! I’ll go check and let you know tonight, okay?” 

“Yay!”

He hugged the both of them and watched them bicker as they left before turning around to go inside again. It wasn’t the first time that Leia asked him to tend to the guitars, because she was aware how much he loved them and would actually make sure everything worked and sounded the way it should. He wouldn’t half-ass that job and she knew it. What she didn’t know was that he actually looked forward to it. Every guitar was different in sound and feeling, even the ten cheap and used school guitars that were all of the same model. 

The halls were almost empty and the very last block was almost finished, but he knew the music rooms would be free. So he set to work, wanting to be efficient because while he did look forward to it, he also looked forward to his well-deserved weekend and to the extra long walk he would take with Bee-Bee as soon as he was home! 

He lost himself in it a little, tuning the guitars and attaching new strings if it was a lost cause. His mind went blessedly blank, and more often than not he would end up playing a little song on the guitar he was tuning, so there went his efficiency. Still, he was allowed to have a little fun. 

It must have been a little over an hour before Poe finally reached the last one - which was still impressive for the amount of guitars and his attention span. The closer he got to his weekend, though, the more he felt his mind wandering again. Weekend meant sleeping in and time with Bee and thinking about texting Finn. Oh right. Finn. 

With his thoughts coming back to the intelligent boy with the sweet smile, Poe played the first thing that came to his mind as he was checking if the final guitar was tuned correctly.

But suddenly, movement caught his eye and he stopped playing to look up. He didn’t know what he had expected to see. But it was certainly not _Finn_ , standing in the door, watching him with a curious expression that quickly turned apologetic as Poe met his eyes. 

"Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt." 

"Don't worry, you didn't." Poe couldn't help the smile that spread across his lips at the sight of Finn. Or the way his heart began racing, but Finn didn’t need to know that. “Haven’t seen you all week, buddy. How are you?” 

“I’m good, thanks. You?”

“Good. Just checking if these babies are all good to go," he raised the guitar resting on his leg a little so Finn knew what he was talking about. 

Finn gave him a shy smile. "I didn't know you could play," he offered after a moment of silence. He was sweet, because how could he possibly have known that? 

"Yeah. I love it, actually." 

And now there was a silence Poe didn't know how to fill, making him feel incredibly stupid. He always knew how to fill silence and how to avoid it in the first place. But it might be the look of wonder on Finn's face that had him dumbstruck. Or the smile. Or probably just Finn in general. He could ask if Finn played as well. Or if he played any other instrument. Or just generally anything to find out more about him. Ugh. He was so pathetic.

Before he could say anything stupid, though, Finn pulled him from his thoughts. "I knew that song.” 

"Huh?" 

"The intro you've just played? That was _Iris_ , right? Goo Goo Dolls?" 

Oh shit. Had he really just played that? While thinking about Finn? He felt like a deer caught in the headlights. "Uh, yeah!" Still, Poe knew he lit up again because Finn was making conversation and actually recognised the song. It was one of his dad's favourites and Poe had a soft spot for it. Maybe good taste in music was another thing he could add to the ongoing list of _Finn things_ he was secretly keeping in his head. And then sharing them with Jess just to annoy her. 

"I used to love that song! Still do, kinda. It's sweet.” Finn smiled. 

And so did Poe. Because it was. He was. 

"Can you…. Would you play it again?" Finn asked, ducking his head but still looking at him with those pretty eyes. How could Poe possibly say no to him? 

So he did it. He played it again and it didn't sound quite right with the school's used guitar, slightly off-key from the original, but it did the job of bringing a smile to Finn's face. And that made Poe feel like he could do anything, so he started singing quietly, just for the two of them. 

_“And I’d give up forever to touch you, ‘cause I know that you feel me somehow. You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be, and I don’t wanna go home right now.”_

He didn’t mean to look at Finn while he sang because that felt way too intimate. But Poe Dameron was not known for his high level of self-control, so he did it anyway. And nearly choked up at the wide-eyed look of wonder he was met with. 

_“And all I can taste is this moment. And all I can breathe is your life. And sooner or later it’s over, I just don’t wanna miss you tonight.”_

It wasn’t even good. His voice was not warmed up and he didn't hit all the notes, probably, but Finn's eyes were huge and his smile so bright, Poe had to look away again and try not to let his nerves show. But he kept going.

_“And I don’t want the world to see me, ‘cause I don’t think that they’d understand. When everything’s made to be broken I just want you to know who I am.”_

Finn deserved more. He deserved the drums and the violins and the piano and everything this song needed, but all Poe had was his own voice and the guitar, so he tried his best to make it good. 

He made it all the way to the second chorus before it got too real. He stopped because he was absolutely certain that he couldn’t keep his voice from wavering any longer at the sudden intensity of the moment, but Finn didn't seem to mind. In fact, he just stared at Poe with that soft expression of his. How could someone be soft and intense at the same time? Poe didn’t know.

"Wow." Finn cleared his throat and looked away from Poe, but that smile was still there. It did _things_ to Poe's insides. "You, um, you have a really beautiful voice." 

Breathe. He couldn't breathe. His whole chest was made of his heart now, his lungs must have dissolved a long time ago. "Thanks," he breathed, and really, that was all he could say. Or else something like _You have a really beautiful smile_ would come out of his mouth, and he couldn't have that. Not yet. 

Silence again, but this time Poe was too occupied just _feeling_ to worry about it. He put down the guitar and checked if he'd missed one, but no. Every guitar in the room was equipped with a new set of strings and ready to go. Perfect.

"I'm actually done here," Poe turned back to Finn, a small, tentative smile on his face, just hoping Finn would walk with him. Where, he didn't care. Wherever Finn needed to go. 

"Great!" Finn said. "I was just about to head home, actually." 

"Mind if I join you?" 

"Not at all." 

For a moment there, they just looked at each other before Poe remembered that wasn’t a thing normal people did and that he had to snap out of it right now! He put the guitar back in its stand, grabbed his bag and then followed Finn out. 

It was late afternoon now and that meant it was actually quite nice outside, the September sun not as oppressive as it used to be. They went to get Poe’s skateboard -- he’d been in the mood for skating today and Bee had gone wild when he’d used it on their walk this morning.

He saw Finn eyeing the skateboard he carried under his arm as they were walking together. It wasn’t the best board, but it was his oldest and he loved it and tried to take good care of it. But there was something in the way Finn looked at it that made him curious. 

“Do you skate?” he asked. 

Finn shook his head and looked away again. “No. I never learned.” 

Of course he didn’t. Poe felt stupid for asking. “Do you want to?” 

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I could show you if you wanna learn?”

“Are you serious?” Finn asked and actually looked at him this time. He seemed unsure, tentative, but also like he really wanted to.

“Sure! We’ll just get you some protectors and a helmet, and I’m gonna take this baby while you start with the longboard. That’s longer, has better grip and is easier for beginners, I think.” 

“You think?” Finn smiled. 

“Well,” Poe huffed, a little sheepish. “I wouldn’t know, actually. I started with this one. But it didn’t go too well the first time, so I’m definitely making you wear protectors, buddy.” He was getting ahead of himself there. “If you want to, that is. Sorry, no pressure,” he tried to backtrack. Because showing Finn how to skate would mean a lot of physical contact, holding him upright or even holding his hand and cheering him on, and while that did sound wonderful, it also sounded potentially dangerous for his crush that wouldn’t stop blooming. 

“That would be nice, actually,” Finn said, ducking his head. Honestly, why did he have to be so shy and sweet? And since when did Poe have a thing for that? All he wanted to do was hug Finn and hold his hand and not let go. Great, now he was spiralling again. 

“Great,” he soldiered on, trying to will his heartbeat back down to a normal rate, but it didn’t quite listen to him. Business as usual right there. “Just hit me up whenever, I’ll be there,” he promised. Because that’s what it was. A promise. That Finn didn’t even know about. He sighed quietly, cringing at himself. It had never been this bad before, this was unknown territory for him. 

Finn looked at him, like he was trying to figure something out. Like he was trying to figure Poe out. Heat rose to his cheeks and dread filled him. Could Finn see right through him? Did he know Poe had a massive crush on him and couldn’t stop thinking about taking his hand? 

“What?” he asked, his voice no more than a croak and he hoped Finn hadn’t noticed. 

“Nothing,” Finn shook his head. “You just. You confuse me.” 

Oh. Oh shit. “Um. Sorry?” He didn’t know what to say, but he really was sorry. He didn’t mean to confuse Finn, to make this any harder on him. Still, there was a voice in the back of his head that wondered if he confused him in a good way or a bad way. 

“No, don’t be,” Finn amended with a shy smile. He sighed. “It’s just. I think you surprise me. In good ways. And that’s confusing sometimes.” He shrugged and chuckled. “And you never do what I’d expect, so add that to everything.” 

Was he… Finn was thinking about him? At least a little. Enough to have expectations Poe could crush. Hopefully in a good way. Please let it be a good way. 

Poe didn’t know what to say, so he just smiled and ducked his head as they kept walking. A silence settled between them, but it wasn’t uncomfortable - at least to Poe it wasn’t. He hoped it wasn’t for Finn either. Just thinking about that made him want to break the silence, though, because his brain was an asshole like that, apparently. 

“So, what other music do you like?” It was a lame attempt to keep the conversation going and to get to know more about him, but it was worth a shot. 

But Finn didn’t reply. He kept his head down and when Poe looked over, he saw a frown on his face. He took a deep breath like he was steeling himself for something. “You know you don’t have to do this, right?” There’s been a shift in Finn’s mood and it was palpable. He sounded small, insecure, and Poe swallowed thickly. 

Now it was his turn to frown, but Finn wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Do what?” 

“This. Hanging out. We don’t have to do that.” 

Oh. Well, that was that, huh? Poe’s heart broke a little, but part of him had expected that already. He’d talked about it with Jess earlier, everyone knew it was weird that Poe wanted to be with Finn so much. _Be with_ in any sense of the word, as it was. 

But there was something in Finn’s voice, in the tension of his shoulders and in the frown that spoke of pain Poe knew couldn’t possibly be directed at him. So he had to ask. He had to be sure. 

“Do _you_ not want to?” 

Finn shook his head, but before Poe’s heart could break some more, he spoke up again. “I don’t want you to feel like you owe me. For when I first met you with that bully.” 

“For when you saved me, you mean.”

“I didn’t save you,” Finn huffed. “But yeah.”

Now it was Poe who stared at him, at a loss for words. Was Finn really worried Poe felt like he owed him? That that was the only reason he wanted him around? He had to make sure Finn knew exactly where he stood, had to grasp for the right words to say because Finn seemed extremely fragile in this moment, and he couldn’t have that. 

“Have people done that before? Manipulated you? Pretended they wanted to be friends with you and then use you?” 

Finn looked down at his feet like he was embarrassed, but he nodded. Poe’s heart did break now, but for Finn this time. For the sweet, beautiful, smart boy that has been fucked over by life itself time and time again, apparently. He ached for him and the urge to just wrap him up and hold him close and make him happy again was stronger than ever. But he couldn’t think about that now. 

Poe stopped walking and gently grabbed Finn’s elbow to make him stop, too. “Okay, listen,” he started, his voice soft but firm. “I am very grateful for your help back then. And I always will be, and yeah, that was the first time we met. And the reason I talked to you on the first day of school. All of that is true. But Finn.” He searched for the words, desperate for Finn to understand. “That’s not why I wanna be your friend.” It was lame, but it was a start and important for Finn to hear it. 

“It’s not?” 

Poe shook his head and inclined his head to make Finn look at him. “No. In fact, I was worried for the past two and a half weeks that you thought _you_ owed _me._ That you thought you have to be my friend now but don’t really wanna do that. Because you don’t. Have to, I mean. You can tell me to fuck off anytime, and I will. But Finn, I really wanna be your friend. Because I think you’re amazing.” 

Finn frowned at him, confused, and Poe could get behind that because he’d said a lot of words. Damn. But he still wanted to say more of them because he was Poe Dameron after all. And he needed Finn to understand and not be worried. 

“Don’t look at me like that, of course you’re amazing, Finn!” He smiled and shook his head, a little lost in the dark brown eyes. “You’re funny, witty, know a lot of things, you’re brave and ready to punch a fascist at all times, and you’re kind and... not even aware of most of these things, huh?” He laughed, embarrassed now because he couldn’t shut up when it came to Finn. “Sorry. I say a lot of words.” 

Finn shook his head, a surprised smile playing with his lips. “No, it’s… uh.” He looked so cute when he didn’t know what to say. Poe did that. His heart fluttered a bit at that thought. Okay, it fluttered a lot. “You really mean that?” 

“Yeah. Sorry if that overwhelmed you.” He really, really didn’t want to overwhelm Finn and make him uncomfortable, but more than that he needed Finn to not be intimidated by him. 

“No, it’s okay. I just. I’m bad with compliments? And I didn’t expect that. But thank you, Poe.” They smiled at each other and Poe really had to try not to get lost in those dark brown eyes again. It was hard. “That thing I mentioned earlier about you kinda surprising me? Well. You did it again,” he grinned. 

Poe’s heart did a somersault at that and he couldn’t keep the laugh from bubbling up. He was feeling bubbly and it was Finn’s fault, but he was not going to complain about that. It was just another thing on the list of _Finn things_ he’d have to add. 

“For what it’s worth,” Finn spoke up after a moment as they resumed walking. “I wanna be your friend, too. You’re, like... the best person.” 

The best person? After not even three weeks and, like, ten conversations total? Poe was electric now. If you plucked him to a generator, you could keep their whole city going for at least a month. Because Finn thought about him. Thought about him enough to think Poe was a good person. No, the _best person_! He was pretty sure he couldn’t breathe, but who needed air in their lungs when they had Finn saying they were the best? 

The silence that followed then was the result of Poe’s brain being absolutely short-circuited, and the secret smile on Finn’s face didn’t help one bit. 

They moved on to lighter topics then, away from all the intensity -- but maybe that was just because Finn was no longer looking at him as they continued walking. Poe asked Finn about his day, how he liked Ileenium so far, if he’d settled in. And Finn answered the questions honestly, didn’t just go over them in small-talk manner like a part of Poe almost expected. 

All too soon, immersed in easy conversation, they reached the park where they would have to continue on their separate ways. But Poe was not ready for this to be over yet, he didn’t want to spend the weekend thinking about Finn and then start the next week going back to their old ways of not really talking. He did not want to stop talking to him already. 

Bee was at home waiting for him, though, and Finn probably had plans for his Friday afternoon. Still, it couldn’t hurt to voice the idea he just had before Finn could have the chance to say goodbye.

“Hey, uh, you wanna meet my dog?” he tried to ask casually, and was absolutely not ready for the way Finn positively lit up at that. 

His eyes grew wide and there was a huge smile on his face. “For real?” 

“Yeah!” Poe found himself grinning along. “She’d love you, man!”

He actually gasped a bit. “Yes! Please! Oh my God!” Finn was so excited he was almost bouncing on the spot and Poe couldn’t help but laugh a little. It was extremely cute to see him like this. “Is she the one on your profile pic?” 

Finn had looked at his profile pic. Finn had looked at Bee-Bee on his picture! Could he get any sweeter? 

“She is! She’s the best dog in the world, you’re gonna love her so much! Come on, let’s go meet her!” And before he knew it, he had grabbed Finn’s hand and dragged him along so he could meet Bee. Finn was laughing and followed him just as enthusiastically. 

Finn’s hand was big and soft and warm in his as he physically dragged him along. Wait. Wait! He was holding Finn’s hand! Oh shit. He let go immediately.

“Sorry,” he chuckled, heat rising to his cheeks out of embarrassment, and as he felt his face getting hotter by the second, that only worsened his embarrassment. Damn it! 

“Hey, no worries,” Finn laughed and bumped his shoulder as they slowed down a bit. “Unbridled enthusiasm for dogs is where it’s at.” 

Relief flooded him at the realisation that Finn thought he apologised for the enthusiasm. Not for taking his hand. He huffed out a laugh as well. “I know, right? Can you believe there’s people who genuinely don’t like dogs? Not those who are afraid, though, I mean those who can look at a doggo and just… feel nothing? Can you believe that?” 

“Yeah,” Finn shrugged and shook his head in exasperation. “Those people don’t know a good thing when it licks their hand.” 

And just like that, the awkwardness was gone and they were back to talking like Poe wasn’t hopelessly crushing on Finn. He clutched his skateboard with both hands now so he wouldn’t reach out to take his hand again while Finn kept talking about all the wonderful dogs he’d met before, absolutely unaware of how Poe found it hard to breathe or stop smiling around him. If he could, he would stop walking and just stare at Finn for the rest of the day. As it was, he kept walking and stared at him. What could he do, he was a weak man like that. 

A few minutes later they turned the corner onto Poe’s street. His dad’s car was in the driveway - that made sense, it was pretty late in the afternoon already. He felt a little guilty about it, but looking at Finn, he decided it was worth it. Hopefully Bee hadn’t demanded that Kes take her out on a walk, though. 

“That’s my place,” Poe said as they’d reached his house. “My paps is there, so you can just wait here if you’re not up for new faces, I’ll just lose the board and get Bee. Or you can come in, it won’t be long. Your choice,” he smiled, trying not to make Finn do anything he didn’t want. The offer was to meet his dog, not his dad, too, so that wasn’t what Finn had the chance to mentally prepare for. If he did that sort of thing. He sure seemed like the person who would need a minute before meeting new people and Poe didn’t want to overwhelm him again. 

“Is it okay if I wait here?” Finn asked, a little apologetic still.

“Totally! I’ll be right back.” He smiled and walked toward the house as Finn sat on the curb. “Want me to bring you something to drink?” 

“Water would be nice, yeah. Thanks!” he called, and Poe hurried to get inside. 

Immediately, he was greeted by an excited Bee-Bee jumping him, barking, wagging her tail like the cutie she was. Poe laughed as he set down his bag and skateboard before kneeling to scratch her behind the ears and pet her all over. “Hey, querida! Hey, you, sweetie! I missed you, too! It’s been so long, sorry, I know!” Kneeling down only invited Bee to jump him more, lick over his face and push him over so he lost his balance and landed on his butt, where she only had better access to everything. He chuckled at that and didn’t stop petting her. “Someone’s excited!” he cooed before turning the tables and throwing his arms around her and wrestling her into that hug she loved. It only got her more excited. God, he loved her so much! 

“You’re home late,” he heard his dad chuckle and looked up to see him watch them with a fond amusement. There was no judgment in his eyes, no disappointment or anything else, though. 

“Yeah,” Poe said, looking at his dad but all of his attention still on Bee. “Sorry, Leia asked me to take care of the guitars and I thought you had a long day at work, so I didn’t think to text you.” He _was_ sorry, but he was also sure his dad didn’t really mind. 

“No, don’t worry. I only just got in, too. I was ready to take her out, but since you’re here now, I’ll let you do the honours,” he grinned. Poe knew his dad loved Bee, but he loved sitting on the couch and reading and doing nothing until it was time for dinner just a bit more on a Friday afternoon. 

“Yeah, I’ll do that now,” he said and got up, for which he only earned an indignant bark. “I’ll be right back, sweetie, chill!” He bumped her wet nose and scratched her neck again before going to the kitchen to grab two bottles of water for him and Finn. Of course, that didn’t go unnoticed by his dad. 

“Two bottles? You got company?” 

“Uh-huh.” Poe tried hard not to blush as he occupied himself with Bee’s harness and leash instead. “Finn’s waiting outside, I told him he could meet Bee.” 

“Finn?” 

“Yeah, a friend from school.” 

“Lucky guy if he gets to meet this little ball of excitement,” Kes said and Poe was sure his dad was only ignoring the blush that was high on his cheeks because it was Friday. Any other day, he would be Asking Questions. First and foremost, why Poe was blushing over a boy, probably. He was sure his dad _knew_ , but… well, he’d never said a word. And he’d only cross that bridge once he got to it. 

“Will you be home for dinner? And will Finn join us?” his dad asked. 

“I will, but I’m sure we won’t be long. And no, he won’t.”

“Alright then, I’ll take my time,” he winked. He actually winked! This was not happening! 

“Yeah, right, bye!” Poe shoved him lightly and then opened the door for an excited Bee to run out. 

Finn immediately stood and lit up at the sight of her. “Hi,” he greeted Bee, who immediately started off toward him, dragging Poe along this time. He leaned down a bit and held out his hand for her to sniff. Bee, being excited but well-raised by Poe himself, looked at him first to make sure it was okay to sniff the stranger’s hand. 

“Go ahead,” he smiled and knelt down again, which resulted in Bee bumping her nose against his forehead first. Finn chuckled at that. 

“Man, you’re really cute,” he said, and Poe was absolutely certain he meant Bee, but when he looked up, Finn had been looking at him for a brief moment before looking back at his dog. His heart was going crazy in his chest as he was grasping for words to say. 

“She really is,” he settled on, and Finn shook his head minutely but didn’t say anything else. It would be really cool if Poe’s heart could calm down again, please. “Bee, this is Finn. Finn, this is Bee-Bee.” 

“Hi, Bee-Bee,” Finn cooed and finally had the permission to scratch her. Once he started with that, though, there was no way in hell Bee would let him stop anytime soon. So Finn sat down opposite Poe for a moment to give Bee all the pets she demanded, and nope, there was no chance for his heart to stop racing. Not as long as Finn was around. He looked really good with a dog under his hand. He just. He looked really good. Especially with that soft smile and the wide eyes and the look of adoration and wonder he directed at Bee. It did things to Poe he didn’t know were possible. 

At some point, though, Bee decided she had enough and walked ahead of them, turning around to look at Poe as if to tell him she was ready for her walk now. Poe and Finn laughed at the move, then got up and walked with her. 

“She really is the cutest, wow,” Finn grinned, watching her. 

“Told you,” Poe nodded. “Also told you she would love you.” 

“Yeah, apparently she does,” Finn wondered. 

“Well, it’s not like it’s hard to immediately like you,” Poe said before he realised what the words were. He blushed, decidedly not looking at Finn and focusing on Bee instead. 

Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Finn looking at him with that smile still in place, though, before he bumped their shoulders again. “Thanks. You’re sweet,” he mumbled. 

Sweet! He was sweet! Ugh! Poe didn’t know what to say to that, because everything he wanted to say would just make things worse and his crush more obvious. So he just kept his mouth shut and instead decided to bump his shoulder against Finn’s as a clever retort. He was so high on emotions right now, it was unbelievable. Finn did this to him and he surely didn’t even try. It was unfair how that worked. 

They walked together, closer than before, although that might only be Poe’s sudden hyper-awareness again. He sure as hell wouldn’t be doing anything about it, so they might as well walk as closely as they did. 

“By the way,” Finn spoke up after a moment as they crossed the street. “I listen to every kind of music.” Poe shot him a confused look, because what? Where was that coming from. Finn huffed, sheepish, and scratched the back of his head. “You asked earlier, and I never gave you an answer.”

“Oh, right! No worries, buddy.” 

“No, just. I love music. And I love talking about it, and I really loved the song you played. It makes me kind of nostalgic for memories I don’t even have,” he laughed a little, like he was embarrassed about that. Like it wasn’t the exact same for Poe. “It’s stupid.” 

“It’s not stupid,” Poe interjected softly, stopping and unclipping Bee from her leash so she could run around freely in the park they’d just reached. It was the same spot where he and Finn first met, he realised. Huh. “It’s what music does.” He sat down in the grass, patting the ground next to him so Finn would do the same. “It’s what art does in general,” he amended. 

“Give you fake feelings?” 

“No,” Poe laughed, watching Bee run around like crazy as she met another dog and his owner they knew. A Golden Retriever with very shiny fur, his name was Pío if Poe remembered correctly. He gave the owner a little wave. “No,” he turned back to Finn but found he was looking at Bee, too. “Art just takes what’s there already and gives it a voice. Or a picture in your head, or a specific mood. It’s like it creates a connection between yourself and a point in any kind of universe. Like, when I sing a song my dad loves, it always makes me think of my mama. But like, when she was young, when they were young and had just met. I don’t have these memories, but I know the stories, so the song just takes what is there and then makes me feel things I haven’t before. It’s just... how it goes, I think.” 

There was a moment of silence where Poe realised what he had just said. He hadn’t meant to open up like that, but now here they were. 

“What about your mom,” Finn asked, quietly, tentatively. 

Poe hesitated but if someone understood him and wouldn’t meet him with pity, it would be FInn. So he took a deep breath and looked back at Bee. “She was the best. Fierce. But she loved me and papa so much, it’s still there. I can still feel it somehow.” 

“When did she die?” Finn whispered like he didn’t expect an answer. Like he made sure Poe knew that he didn’t have to answer. 

“When I was seven. She was in the army. They both were, but paps stayed home with me while she wanted to do one final tour. She’s a hero. Died saving a lot of people. Lived saving even more.” His hands were shaking as he pulled at the dog tags dangling around his neck, and handed them to Finn. He’d never handed them to anyone before, and he surprised himself with it, but Finn’s little gasp and the way he held them, like they were made of glass instead of metal, told Poe he made the right choice. 

“Shara Bey,” Finn whispered as he read the inscription and turned the tags over. Poe nodded and smiled at the mention of her name. “I’m sorry she died,” Finn said as he handed the tags back to Poe, and there was no pity in his voice, only genuine sympathy. 

Poe shrugged as he put the chain around his neck again, the weight almost comforting. “Thank you. What about your parents?” Poe asked and immediately felt bad about it. “Sorry, you don’t have to talk about it.”

“No, it’s okay. You told me about your mother, too. There’s not a good story here, though, because I don’t even remember them. I was told they died in a car accident when I was a two. Drunk driver hit them, everyone died. Well, except baby Finn in the backseat. People called it a miracle, but I refuse to think a miracle means losing your family at the age of two.” He shrugged and his voice was oddly distant. Poe felt bad for him, but he didn’t know what to do. So he leaned against him to offer some comfort, and a disgusting part of him rejoiced when Finn leaned against him, too. 

“So then I went from one foster family to another, ran away at ten, met Rey when she was stealing food, then we ran away some more, got caught, were put into an orphanage while they tried to find a family for us because we refused to be separated. We gave them hell when they tried.” He smiled a bit, lost in memories apparently, and Poe could just picture it. Little Rey ready to take on the world if it tried to tear them apart. It was a bit heartbreaking. “And then four years later, we met Luke, who was apparently running away from his life, too.”

Wait. Wait! Poe had never believed in the record-scratching sound when people had a sudden realisation, but he could _swear_ there was one in his head right now. 

“Wait,” he said, because sometimes it wasn’t enough to think words. “Luke?” 

“Yeah. Our dad?” 

“No, I mean… Okay, wait,” he said again, because _what_? “Don’t tell me your dad is Luke Skywalker?” He knew the look on his face could best be described as bewildered, but that pretty much covered how he was feeling, so yeah. Bewilderment! 

Finn was looking at him with a confused smile. “He is! Do you know him?” 

“Oh my God!” Poe exclaimed and leaned away from Finn, laughing a bit in astonishment. “Man, the world is small!”

“What’s going on, Poe,” Finn laughed, too, although he seemed unsure as to why he was laughing in the first place. 

“Okay, so here’s the tea. My dad and your dad had been friends forever. They basically served in the army together, and they had that group. Mamá, paps, Luke, Luke’s sister Leia - who by the way is our fucking principal, man! Then Han, who would later marry Leia, and two dudes called Wedge and Lando. They met overseas and then it turned out they were all from around here? And then they stayed friends afterwards, and then one day after mamá’s death, Luke disappears just like that, and paps is, like, really mad at him? And now he’s back and he has you and Rey, and then we met, and history is repeating itself kinda, and,” he trailed off, because he said the words as they came to him. He was realising all of this just now. 

Finn laughed and shook his head, on the same page as Poe now. “No way! This world is just really small, man.”

Still grinning but more curious now, Poe looked at him. “So, Luke didn’t tell you?” 

“No,” Finn shook his head, pulling a few blades of grass before him. “He just said he had unfinished business here, and that this is where he grew up so it was a good way to go back to the roots, or something like that. I didn’t think everything was this complicated.” 

“Complicated is one word for it.” He huffed. “Leia, Han, and paps were really mad when they heard that Luke was back.” He shrugged. “But none of this has anything to do with you or Rey, I promise, This is between the grown-ups.” 

“Adults are weird,” Finn decided after a moment and Poe laughed. 

“That they are!” 

Bee chose that moment to return to them, excited as always and with dust all over her fur. Finn immediately reached out and she let him pet her, licking at his hand whenever it got close to her face. The boys laughed and Poe saw that Finn had fallen in love with Bee already, just like he’d hoped. It warmed his heart to see them like this. In an ideal world he could lean against Finn again, put his head on his shoulder and grab his hand again. He never knew he had a thing for hands before, but apparently he did now. Or maybe he just had a thing for Finn. Finn, who was practically glowing in the early evening sun right now. Just barely did he manage to suppress a swooning sigh. Just barely. 

“I hate to say this,” Finn started after a while, “but it’s getting late.” 

Poe looked at his watch, and Finn was right. It was almost half past six already! Had they really been out that long? Apparently, but he still wasn’t ready to leave Finn again. 

“Can we walk you home?” he offered, not really succeeding in hiding the hopeful tone.

Finn smiled and looked at him with that soft expression of his. “I’d like that. But only if it’s okay for you, you don’t have to do that.” 

“No, I’d like that, too,” he returned the smile and got up, offering Finn his hand. Only so he could help him up, not so that he could have an excuse for holding his hand again and feel the sparks as Finn grabbed it and pulled himself up. Nope, that was not the reason at all!

Poe clipped the leash back on his favourite dog in the world, who only got more excited in her tail-wagging when she realised that they were not going home yet. 

“Lead the way,” Poe said and motioned for Finn to walk with him. 

They were watching Bee sniff at random flowers and lampposts she hadn’t yet encountered, and smiled at the way she would always turn around to see if they were still there with her. Like she wasn’t on a leash. 

“I love her, Poe,” Finn said gleefully. 

“Same, buddy. Absolutely same.” 

“Can we… Can we do this again?” he asked, and there was that shyness again. 

“What, walk Bee?” 

“No. Yes. No.” Poe tried not to laugh, but Finn was just really cute when he was looking for words. Poe could relate so much. Finn took a breath and started again. “I mean, this? Hanging out. Preferably with your dog, okay, but without her, too.” 

“Yeah, Finn, we can absolutely do that,” Poe smiled at him. Because how could Finn even doubt that after everything they’d talked about today? 

“Great. Because I really enjoyed this afternoon. And Bee-Bee, of course,” he added with a laugh as she bumped into him. 

And Poe had an idea. “Hey, actually. We could come pick you up and then take a walk together? I’m sure she would love the change in scenery, and she obviously loves you, too.” 

“Isn’t that, like, really off track for you, though?” Finn seemed hesitant, and Poe couldn’t have that. 

“Maybe a little, but it’s worth it. We would get to hang out and you’d get to see her, too. If you want to, that is.” 

“I do. I want to. Can Rey join us, too, if she wants?” 

“Totally!” Poe was both a bit relieved and disappointed. It would feel less like a date if Rey joined them, and he’d get to see her, too. But he’d have to share Finn then and actually confront his feelings if someone else saw him act like he did around Finn. Still, the pros outweighed the cons by a lot. 

“Sweet,” Finn smiled. 

“Sweet,” Poe agreed. “How about Sunday?” 

“Sunday’s great!” He wouldn’t stop smiling, and neither would Poe. 

And so they agreed that Poe would shoot him a text on Sunday. That was only in two days. He’d get to hang out with Finn again in two days! Amazing how that happened. 

They reached Finn’s house way too soon, and looking at Bee, Poe was sure he wasn’t the only one who didn’t want Finn to leave. Before he could say something stupid, though, Finn wrapped his arms around Poe and gave him a hug. A real hug, longer than you would expect, but Poe didn’t mind. He really, really didn’t mind as he got to wrap his arms around Finn, too, and breathe him in. Of course he had to smell wonderful, on top of everything. 

“Thank you for hanging out and introducing me to his little princess,” he said as they separated and leaned down to thoroughly pet Bee all over for the last time today. 

“Anytime, buddy. Really,” Poe smiled at him and he was sure that there were hearts in his eyes right then. Especially since his heart was no longer beating in his chest anymore. It must have moved to his eyes. 

“Have a nice evening, Poe,” he said as he walked up the driveway to his house. Poe was watching him, making sure he got in there safe. Because maybe there would be a sudden meteor or tree monster attacking him on his doorstep, Jesus Christ, Poe! Watching Finn walk was a treat in its own right, though, so he let himself enjoy that, too. 

At the door, Finn turned around to face him again, which made Poe’s heart swell some more. Maybe he should go see a doctor about that, this couldn’t be normal. And then Finn gave a cute little wave before opening the door and disappearing behind it. 

Poe found Bee looking up at him, her head slightly inclined, and Poe shook his head with a sigh. 

“I have it bad, Bee. I have it so bad.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! If you have the time, energy, and mental capacity for it, please consider leaving a comment, since they are essentially my life force these days <3  
> If you wanna come yell at me, my tumblr is @natthemess or @happybeeps-nat


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies! IT IS 3 AM HERE!  
> Ughhh I am SO SORRY that I took so long to update this fic! Being alive has been really hard lately.   
> THANK YOU so much for all the love you have been and keep giving me! It is insane, you're all so amazing! <3  
> I have mixed feelings about this chapter, but because it is Pride Month, I decided to leave it as it is and not add more plot to this. It deserves to stand as it is. Because Pride2020 might be messed up, but it's still so important. Every single one of you reading this, whether you're inside or outside the closed, is important and valid and I love you. Thank you for being alive and spending your time reading this little fic <3
> 
> Brief WARNING, this is basically a coming-out chapter. Finn is having a bit of a freakout upon realising that he *likes* Poe. There is internalised biphobia/homophobia going on because he is overwhelmed and has never had the chance to figure out his sexuality. If you wish to discuss this with me in the comments, I'm open to that, but I do think this reaction was one of the most realistic ones.   
> Also Poe is missing his mother, so talks of a dead parent happening here, too.

Finn and Poe hung out almost every other day after that. And when they couldn’t spend time together, they would text and call each other all the time. Sometimes Poe even took him on walks with Bee via facetime when Finn was stuck with a load of homework or when he had a test coming up. Poe loved that, loved how easy it was to be Finn’s friend, loved the close friendship they had formed. 

Finn would always listen to him ramble about his new favourite show or actor, and to his rants of various injustices. And Finn really  _ listened _ . Whenever Poe would start rambling, Finn would get that little half-smile, turn all his attention to Poe and just listen. The smile was also the reason why Poe could not stop talking, because he didn’t want it to disappear again. So he would say anything that was on his mind like he’d always thought people only did in the movies. But now here he was with no filter whatsoever around Finn. What was even worse was that Finn didn’t even seem to mind. And that thought did  _ things  _ to Poe!

Obviously, none of that did anything for Poe’s feelings. Jess had initially had the theory that once he got closer to Finn, got to know him better, the crush would stop. Like it always did. Once you got to know a person’s flaws, it was likely for the crush to be put into perspective and then disappear. But that had yet to happen with Finn. It wasn’t that Finn had no flaws, not by a long shot. It was just that Poe didn’t really mind, either. 

He didn’t mind Finn’s quiet nature, it was a welcome counterpart to everything that was Poe’s entire existence. He didn’t mind was anxious and insecure, Poe could be patient and outgoing enough for the both of them. He didn’t mind ordering for Finn, he didn’t mind that Finn wasn’t ready to come inside the house, he didn’t mind that Finn didn’t join him and his friends for lunch because most days, Poe and Jess would just go sit with Rey and Finn instead. Poe didn’t mind any of the things Finn kept apologising for.

Finn was wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, funny, really fucking cute and it absolutely didn’t help that Finn was just a bit taller than him. Poe just really couldn’t stop thinking about him. Or talking about him, for that matter. 

He was in the kitchen making dinner because Kes had a long day today and just got in, exhausted and hungry. His phone was playing his secret Finn playlist that was basically just every single Troye Sivan song, and Poe was singing along quietly while making a simple but spicy stir fry that he and his paps both loved. As the veggies sizzled in the pan, his phone vibrated with a new message from Finn. Poe couldn’t stop the smile on his face, but before he had the chance to open the message, there was a voice behind him, making him jump. 

“Finn?” Kes came in with a knowing grin. 

Feeling strangely caught, Poe quickly put his phone back into his pocket, his cheeks heating up. “Huh?” 

His paps chuckled. “I’m sorry, mijo, I didn’t mean to startle you,” he said and put a hand on his shoulder before looking appreciatively at the stir fry. He looked really hungry, and Poe could sympathise, still feeling bad that he’d started dinner so late. He’d actually meant to be done before Kes came home, but he completely forgot about the passing of time where he sat in the grass with Finn and Bee earlier, sharing a bucket of ice cream.

“So, when am I gonna meet Finn?” his dad asked out of the blue as he was getting two plates from the cupboard above the sink. 

“What?” Poe’s heart was racing and he may have been gripping the wooden spoon tighter than was strictly necessary. 

“Mijo, you never shut up about him,” Kes smiled as he took the spoon from Poe, turned off the heat and carried everything to the living room. Poe was slow to follow. 

He was not freaking out. He was  _ not _ ! But he was sure he was staring at his paps, eyes wide, and his hand was starting to shake a bit. Because this was it, wasn’t it? But couldn’t they at least eat first before Poe would lose his appetite to crushing adrenaline? 

They sat down at the table and Kes filled the plates while Poe was desperately searching for words. Kes looked at him, an expectant smile on his lips. “Uhh.” Nope. Poe.exe stopped working. 

“It’s just, you’re always so happy after you two do something. Or before. Or even when he’s just texting you. But you never bring him here when I’m home, and-” 

“Papá, it’s not like that!” Poe interjected before Kes could say more, before all the blood in Poe’s body would apparently decide to move to his head because his cheeks were  _ burning _ . 

Kes stared at him. “Oh. It’s not?” 

“No!” Because it wasn’t. They weren’t together, Finn probably didn’t even feel the same way and Poe was just being a pathetic boy with a crush who was finally not-quite-coming-out to his dad over dinner, and… It wasn’t like that. 

“But you want it to be,” Kes stated, quiet and gentle, and  _ oh _ . 

Tears in his eyes, Poe nodded. He didn’t know why there were tears, but he could also spontaneously come up with eleven different possible reasons, so there was that. He wiped his eyes and resumed eating, but his papá didn’t. 

“Cariño. ¿Por qué estás llorando?”

“I’m not crying,” Poe said needlessly, wiping his eyes again. He shrugged, wishing Bee was here but she was sleeping in the last bit of evening sun out in the garden. 

“There is no need to cry, Poe. Especially not about  _ that _ . You’re my son and I love you.”

Poe nodded and there were more tears, but he smiled this time, hugging his knees to his chest. “How long have you known?” he asked, his voice small but he didn’t care. He felt so many things right now, and shame wasn’t one of them.

Kes chuckled a bit and leaned back in his chair. “Remember when you were eight, and Snap got bullied for one thing or another? The day you first met him, when I came to pick you up from school, you said you two were married now. You said you loved him and he would never have to be alone, and that the others would stop bullying if they saw he was the first one who married.” 

Poe gave a wet laugh. He did remember that day. “And then you gave us rings from your key chain because we couldn’t be married without wedding rings?” 

“Right! You still have that, don’t you?” 

“Of course!” Poe said, grinning, a bit offended to even be questioned in his loyalty to his eight year-old self. 

Kes laughed again, clapping Poe on the shoulder. “That day, when you told me you married Temmin Wexley, just like that, I figured you were going to be just fine. It was one of those weird moments parents have, when I knew you were better than I could ever have raised you, and you became that on your own, and you would  _ keep  _ getting better and I would get to watch.” 

There were tears in his papá’s eyes now, too, and Poe was so incredibly touched by his words, he didn’t even know what to say. “Papá.”

“Sorry,” Kes sniffled and tried to cover it up with a laugh. “Did I… make you feel like you couldn’t talk to me about that?” 

“That I’m gay?” Kes nodded. Poe considered the question. “No. It wasn’t like I tried to hide it. Part of me kinda hoped you knew and that I wouldn’t have to, like, come out and tell you. And I guess that part was right.” He added the last sentence like an afterthought, and Kes smiled at his food.

“I did have a feeling. But not that you were gay, just that you would like whoever you liked. At some point I even figured you’d refuse to be heterosexual out of spite.” They both laughed at that, because that thought had actually crossed Poe’s mind when he first found out he liked boys. “Is it just boys then?” 

Bless him. Bless his dad for  _ still  _ not assuming and instead just asking. Poe nodded. “Yeah, and I don’t think that’s gonna change.” 

“And it doesn’t have to,” his paps reassured him, and Poe felt like the weight of the world he hadn’t even known was there lifted off his shoulders. Like Kes had just taken it and told it to fuck right off. That would be a lot like Kes Dameron, if he thought about it. 

He ducked his head and smiled at his still full plate. “Gracias papá,” he mumbled as they resumed eating. 

“He makes you happy,” Kes said as he put down his fork, finished with dinner. 

It wasn’t a question but Poe found himself nodding anyway, a smile forcing its way onto his lips like every time he thought about Finn. “He does. And it’s scary.” 

“That’s how you know it’s real.” 

Poe looked at him for a moment. “That’s what mamá used to say.”

“Did she?” 

“Yeah. When she left… Before she left the last time, I asked her if she was scared. If she was scared over there, scared to go back. And she said yes, but not as scared as she was when she asked you out, and later when she asked you to marry her.” 

Now Kes was the one whose eyes were filling with tears. But Poe kept talking, his voice hoarse because he missed her so much.

“And then she told me that you made her not scared, too. She said, ‘Poe, when I’m scared, I only need to think of you and you papá, and the world is a bit better again’. And then she promised me I would find someone who”, he choked up and had to take a deep breath, wiping new tears from his eyes. “Someone who would do that for me. Who would make everything better and less scary.”

Kes took his hand. “And Finn does that?”

Poe shrugged, wanting to retreat, to hide and not admit everything right away. But what choice did he have but tell his dad everything on his mind? “He does. Kind of. You do, too, obviously, but. You said it yourself, he just makes me so happy. He is the best.” 

His dad pulled him into an awkward but much-needed hug. “Then I hope I can meet him sometime,” was all he said. And Poe really hoped that, too. 

After dinner, Kes and Poe brought their dishes into the kitchen and Poe set to cleaning up so Kes could go sit on the couch and enjoy the rest of the evening with a nice book. He seemed to have other plans, however, because instead of leaving, he leaned against the door frame while Poe set to washing the dishes. 

“Does Finn know?” he asked.

“Nope, I don’t think he does,” Poe said, not turning around. 

A beat. “Will you tell him?” 

And if that wasn’t the million dollar question right there. Would he tell him? Would he risk the friendship they had for his admittedly not-so-little crush? Would he be unfair to Finn and not let him have a say in this and thus risk pissing him off when he found out some time later? Would he risk Finn feeling the same but neither of them saying something so they would be each other’s eternal What-Ifs? Would he risk missing out on the chance of something good just because society made an utter lack of communication the status quo for everything? 

Would he tell Finn he had feelings for him? He knew the answer, actually. He was a Dameron, he would do the right thing. Even if it was just to spite societal norms of not telling people how you felt.  _ Especially  _ then. 

“Yeah. I gotta.” 

Kes sighed from behind him. “Yeah, you do. But it’s okay to be scared. And you can take your time.” 

“I know,” Poe nodded, turning off the water and drying his hands on the towel by the sink. He turned around just in time to see a curious Bee walking into the kitchen and looking up at him, her head inclined. When he smiled at her, her tail began wagging in excitement. 

“Yeah, girl, you wanna go for another walk?” he laughed, leaning down to scratch her all. “Yeah, you wanna go outside, huh? Okay, let’s go.” He got up, and Bee was faster by the front door than should have been possible. 

He grabbed her stuff, put on a jacket and tried not to make it seem like he had the sudden urge to run away from an emotionally vulnerable situation. Because he totally wasnt. 

“Bye,” his dad called before he closed the door behind him. 

Although the fresh air of the early autumn evening helped a bit, he still felt a bit off. He hadn’t expected any of the things that just happened, and while he was extremely grateful and happy to know his dad was okay with him being gay, and that he had figured it already, it felt weird. Too real. Too unspectacular. Like there should have been explosions and he got a hug instead. 

He didn’t even know what he had expected, if he had expected anything at all, but a casual dinner conversation about Poe’s crush and then about his mamá was certainly not on the list of things of how he had expected for things to be going. Real life was weird like that sometimes. 

Without realising what he was doing, he pulled out his phone and called Jess. 

_ “Poe-bear!” _

He smiled. “Is this a bad time?” 

_ “Nope, just giving up on trying to understand what on earth Hemingway is trying to tell me.”  _

“Eh, probably just that adverbs are bad. And emotions. And women.” 

_ “Yep, got that on my list already” _ There was a crackling sound in the background that told him Jess had probably just shoved everything off her bed and was now lying on it spread-eagle. “ _ What’s up, boo?”  _

Bee tugged on her leash because she saw a bird ahead looking at them, and she needed to go and say hi to him. Or try, anyway. “Well. I just kinda came out to my dad.”

_ “Oh my God, really?”  _

“Yeah. Or rather, he came me out? Forget about grammar,” he chuckled. “He asked when he’d get to meet Finn, whom he thought was my boyfriend.” 

_ “No way!”  _

“Yes way!”

“ _ Classic Kes, _ ” Jess laughed.  _ “How are you now?”  _

“I don’t know. Weird. Like, it’s amazing? But also makes everything more real. Like before, my life was kinda divided and I was two kinds of Poe, and now I am one and every aspect is equally  _ real _ now. Like I can’t hide anymore. But also like it don’t have to hide anymore, which is extremely wonderful. Ugh.” He sighed. “Everything is a bit overwhelming right now.” 

_ “Yeah, I figured,” _ Jess sounded genuinely empathetic, and Poe was grateful that he had her, that she would listen to him ramble at all times.  _ “Want me to come over?” _

“Would you?” 

_ “Of course man! Not like we never had a sleepover on a weekday,”  _ she laughed.  _ “And I don’t think you wanna be alone right now.”  _

“I love you so much, Jess. I’m out with Bee right now, should we pick you up?”

_ “Yay! I’ll be ready in 20!” _

***

Rey kicked him softly with her plush sock. “Finn, Jess says you should stop texting Poe, she’s annoyed he’s on the phone all the time.” 

Finn lowered his phone and shot his sister a Look. They were both sitting sideways on the living room couch, opposite each other, a blanket over their legs, while they were waiting for Luke to join them for movie night. 

“How can Jess complain about Poe being on the phone all the time if she’s been non-stop texting you for at least two hours?” He raised an eyebrow at her. 

“Well, you haven’t stopped texting Poe, like,  _ ever _ . I can have two hours with Jess!” 

Finn blushed, because Rey was right. He hadn’t stopped texting Poe. And he never wanted to. He felt warm and fuzzy whenever he saw the notification of  _ Poe Damneron sent a new message _ . Damneron. Finn had never taken the time to change that, and whenever he saw that, it made his heart jump a little. Just seeing Poe’s not-really-but-kinda-real name pop up just like that made him smile every time. Poe taking the time of day to talk to Finn, even going out of his way just to do so! Finn felt really giddy about that for some reason - but then again, he’d never had a real friend before, so maybe that was normal. 

It was normal to never want to stop talking to someone, right? Right? 

“It’s cute, though,” Rey added with a smirk, looking at him over her phone. “You two, I mean. Look, Poe agrees with me.” She leaned over and handed him her phone. It was her chat with Poe. She’d sent him a picture she must have taken a few moments ago, of Finn snuggled up into the blanket, sipping his tea. Finn blushed at the photo and wanted to be mad at Rey, but then he saw Poe’s reaction. It was the gif of Kermit freaking out, captioned with “SO CUTE OMG I CANT” and a meme he created of Bee where she’s surrounded with a lot of heart emojis. 

Finn’s heart began racing as he took Rey’s phone carefully and kept reading and re-reading the exchange. He couldn’t stop the smile even if he’d wanted to. Breathing was difficult for some reason, because he was suddenly filled to the brim with  _ something _ . With  _ feelings. _ He couldn’t stop smiling and it started to hurt his cheeks. 

This wasn’t just friendship. It  _ couldn’t  _ be. He didn’t feel that way when Jess sent him memes, he didn’t wanna talk to Snap day and night… But with Poe, he did. 

It wasn’t just friendship. But what was it? What could it be? He’s never felt that before, and he couldn’t possibly have a real crush on Poe. That didn’t happen. It didn’t even happen a lot in the movies, and sure as hell didn’t happen to Finn. Over a  _ boy _ . A sweet, gentle, kind, funny, beautiful boy ready to fight for what he believed in. But still a boy. 

Okay, his heart was racing for a different reason now, and he still found it hard to breathe, but he felt far less warm and fuzzy now. He felt like he was going to cry. Because nothing felt right. And Luke would be so mad. And Poe would be as hurt and confused as Finn was now, and Rey would be disgusted, and then Luke would kick them out, because that was what happened, right? Boys didn’t just fall for boys and everything could be alright. That was never how it worked, never how Finn had been told by others.

He didn’t know what to do, what to think. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

“Finn?” Rey took back her phone and instead sat up properly to take his hands in hers. “Talk to me.” 

Finn shook his head, wiping his eyes. “It’s nothing, I’m okay.” 

“No, you’re not,” Rey said, but there was no accusation behind her words. “Was it something I said? About you and Poe?” Finn didn’t say anything, but that seemed to be enough for her. “I’m sorry, it was stupid.” 

“No,” he said before he could stop himself. He wasn’t crying, but it was a close thing, so he took a deep breath.

“No?” 

He shook his head, feeling miserable, but now that he realised that he really might  _ like _ -like Poe, it felt too real and he couldn’t keep it from Rey. He never could keep anything from her. 

“It wasn’t stupid,” he mumbled, fidgeting with the soft blanket, but looked up to check if Luke was somewhere close. He didn’t want to come out to him just yet, he wanted to know what it was. If there even was an  _ it _ . Maybe it was just a phase.  _ Surely  _ it was just a phase. “I think… I think I might... have  _ feelings  _ for Poe.” 

“Oh.  _ Oh _ . Uhm. Did you… did you only realise that just now?” It didn’t feel like she was mocking him, there was only genuine curiosity in her voice. Like it was normal to realise you apparently liked boys, just like that. 

He shrugged, back to fidgeting with the blanket and feeling dreadful. Because now that he said it, he couldn’t take it back. Now that he said it, he acknowledged everything that happened over the past few weeks. How he stared at Poe when he wasn’t looking. How he couldn’t help but smile every time he saw him. How his heartbeat picked up every time Poe’s entire face lit up when he saw Finn. How Poe’s hugs got just a little tighter, just a little longer every time. How Poe would sometimes grab his elbow or his shoulder or his arm when he was excited. How he stared at Poe’s hands when they walked Bee together every other day, imagining he could just reach out. How he stared at the hands running through Bee’s fur and wished he could hold them instead. How obsessed he was with Poe’s hands, apparently. 

He groaned and buried his face in his arms. “I hate this.” 

“What do you hate?” Rey asked gently. 

Finn sighed and took a moment to sort out his thoughts. What was it that he hated? Liking Poe? No, he couldn’t possibly hate that. The thought of Poe finding out and not feeling the same way and then abandoning him? Yeah, he definitely hated that. The thought of Poe actually feeling the same way and then wanting to be his boyfriend although Finn had no idea how relationships worked and whether he was even ready for one or if he even  _ wanted _ one? Well, now he was definitely freaking out. 

He was scared. And overwhelmed. And worried. He told Rey, but she only smiled at him. 

“Finn, it’s okay to be scared. There is nothing wrong with you. Not a single thing! And this might feel like a huge deal, and it kind of is, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad.” She took his hands away from his face and squeezed them. “I’m gay, too, Finn,” she whispered. “And it’s okay to freak out, but you don’t have to be alone. You don’t have to know what your label is right away, or if you even want one. You can still like girls, you can like boys only, you can like everyone, or just Poe. And you have all the time in the world to figure that out, and I’ll be right here by your side, okay? And so will Luke.” 

As always, Rey knew exactly what to say when Finn didn’t. And the tears were really running down his face now, but they didn’t feel oppressive anymore. He was relieved that Rey reacted like that, that she loved him, that they kept being stuck in the same boat. He tugged her forward by her hands and pulled her into his arms. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. 

Rey just kissed his cheek. “Of course. Always.” 

Right in that moment, Luke entered the living room, carrying two bowls of popcorn. “Aww, cuddle time?” 

“It’s always cuddle time,” Rey laughed as she sat back on her end of the couch so Luke could give her one of the bowls, which she placed between their tangled legs. 

“True, how could I forget,” he grinned, then looked at Finn who wiped his eyes, making sure the tears were gone. “You okay?” 

“Yeah,” he cleared his throat and forced a smile. “What are we watching?” 

Luke stared at him like he knew something was going on, but thankfully he decided to let it go. “I was thinking Addams Family,” he suggested then. 

Rey’s eyes lit up! “Oh my God, yes! Jess says she loves that movie and won’t stop bugging me about it,” she laughed. 

“Same with Poe,” Finn added with a smile, because he remembered how Poe wouldn’t stop talking about his favourite things. Ever. And how his eyes would go wide and his smile even wider and make Finn feel like Poe was all the good things in the world pressed into one energetic person. 

Luke was looking at them with narrowed eyes. “Hey! I kept telling you how good it is, too, and you never wanted to watch it with me, but suddenly your friends talk about it and now you wanna see it?” 

“Aww, don’t feel betrayed, Luke, we still love you more,” Rey smiled at him while he set up the movie. 

“Yeah, yeah, keep telling yourselves that,” Luke grumbled, making Finn and Rey laugh. 

Maybe it could always be like this. Maybe things wouldn’t have to change, maybe Finn could like boys and still be loved by his family. He really, desperately hoped for that. 

Checking his phone one last time before he’d put it away for family movie night, he had three new messages from Poe. 

**Poe Damneron:**

> _ Finnnnnnnnnn we hate Jess now okay _
> 
> _ Okay  _
> 
> _ Gotta go, byeee _

He smiled at his phone, because that way way too many letters and their only purpose was drama. Which Poe had told him was a perfectly valid reason at all times. Laughing softly, he wrote  _ have fun :D _ back and then put his phone away so Luke wouldn’t complain about phones like the old man he was. 

Addams Family was actually a great movie, and for some reason, Gomez reminded him of Poe. But these days, everything reminded him of Poe, so maybe that was that. He actually had fun watching it, throwing popcorn at Rey in the process whenever she would sneak a glance at her phone. Whenever Luke wasn’t watching them with suspiciously narrowed eyes from his armchair, Rey would take her literally sweet revenge.

It was almost enough to make him forget about the inner turmoil of dread and guilt and feelings. He felt like an imposter, like a liar, like he was betraying Poe and Luke and everyone around him. Just because he liked Poe more than he probably should. It was stupid, but he couldn’t stop those thoughts from surfacing. 

He retired to his room right after the movie ended.A short while later, Rey knocked on his door. 

“Hey. How are you feeling?” she asked, coming in. 

“Weird. You?” 

“Worried. You just left after the movie, Luke was worried, too.”

Finn looked up in alarm. “Doe he know? Did you tell him?” 

“Geez, Finn, no. I wouldn’t, I promise!” She sat down on his bed and he deflated, mumbling an apology but she waved it away. “I’m sorry.” 

He frowned. “For what?” 

She shrugged. “For always being so blunt. I should have realised you hadn’t… put the pieces together yet. I’m sorry. You shouldn’t realise you like boys because your sister can’t keep her mouth shut.” 

Finn actually smiled at that and put her arm around her. “It’s okay, Rey, don’t feel bad. It’s not like… It’s not like I didn’t think about it before. I just. It’s never been like that. We never even had close friends, Rey. I thought it was normal to feel like that. Like someone makes your whole world brighter.” 

“Well, it can be. I’m pretty sure Poe and Jess are each other’s ‘whole world’, you know? Having a close best friend can be just as extreme a kind of love as romantic relationships. But… I don’t think that’s what it is with you and Poe. Or what it could be.” 

Finn considered that and nodded. “I wanna hold his hand so badly, sometimes. Like, he’s next to me, and I wanna take it. And hug him. And for him to hold me, too. Randomly. And I think I wanna kiss him, too, but I don’t know how that would work, but… Yeah. I don’t think that’s what close friends would want, huh?”

Rey huffed softly and lay down beside him, wiggling her way under the blanket. “No, I don’t think so. But it’s something you’ll have to find out for yourself.” 

Finn nodded and turned on his side to face her. “I’m beginning to feel like there’s a lot of things I’ll have to figure out for myself here.” 

“Yeah, same. But knowing Poe, I’m sure he’ll let you. That boy is a treasure,” she smiled. 

“He is,” Finn whispered and felt his heart race just thinking about Poe. Yeah, okay, there was no denying that he absolutely had more-than-friendship feelings for him. Damn. 

They lay in bed like that, Finn’s fairy lights above his bed bathing the room in a soft light. After a while, Rey spoke up again, her tone devoid of its optimism. “It’s kinda scary.”

“What is?”

“Everything. Life. Being a teenager with a crush. Sexuality. Just… ugh.” 

Finn stared at her, confused about that answer, because never before had Rey admitted that life itself was scary. Something must have been wearing her down for a while and Finn felt awful for not noticing before. 

“Is it about Jess?” he asked, tentatively, because it  _ must  _ be. Rey had told him she was gay before they started movie night, and she’s been hanging out with Jess a lot, and talked about her, and basically every time Finn hung out with Poe, Rey hung out with Jess. The four of them just worked out like that. He had just never realised... Gods, what else was he so utterly oblivious to? 

Rey nodded. “Is it that obvious?”

“No, at this point I’m pretty sure nothing will ever be obvious to me again,” Finn gave something that was half-laugh, half-sigh. “No, you just said you were gay earlier. And you and Jess are practically inseparable. And then there’s the way you look at her, and how she looks at you, and-- wow, I really can’t believe I didn’t connect the dots. I’m so stupid, I’m sorry, Rey.”

She laughed. “Don’t worry, Finn. Everything is weird and complicated, but at least we have each other. Whatever happens, right?” 

“Whatever happens,” he said with a smile. 

She searched his phone for a song to play, and a few seconds later  _ Girls Like Girls _ started playing, which, figured. She told him about Jess, about how soft she got when she was around. About how they did nothing but compliment each other and then choke up on real, actual conversations. It was really sweet to hear, because he knew the feeling, and this was the first time he saw Rey having a crush.

“Jess tells me I’m pretty in a different way every day. And I never know what to say to her except give compliments. Like, I don’t know how conversations with her work,” she laughed. Then she groaned and turned around, burying her face in the pillows, which was a whole mood. “Finn. I’m so gay!” 

He laughed, really laughed, because it was only now that he understood that he wasn’t alone in this. That Rey was just as lost as he was. They were in this together, and they were both dramatic as hell, and Finn laughed. When Rey asked why, he told her, and she couldn’t help but join him. 

They got ready for bed together and Rey decided neither of them wanted to be alone tonight, so she buried herself under Finn’s blanket again, which he was extremely thankful for, because she was right. He didn’t want to be alone. There were a few messages from Poe, but he didn’t feel like opening them for some reason. He didn’t want things to get scary again. 

“I don’t think I can go to school tomorrow,” he said after a while. 

“Okay,” Rey said, taking his hand again. It was a long day. There were too many thoughts in his head and he didn’t know if he could breathe through them if he went to school tomorrow. So he didn’t want to risk it. He was sure Rey understood, because they both had such days every now and then. “Luke will be okay with that,” she reassured him.

They set their alarms anyway, though neither of them felt like sleeping just yet. There were too many raw emotions going on. For a moment, though, with Rey next to him, a comfortable mattress under him and the fairy lights above him, the world didn’t seem so scary anymore. Then Rey grabbed his phone and put his latest playlist on shuffle. Because life was an asshole, though, the song that started was  _ fallingforyou _ by The 1975. 

Rey didn’t know it, so she didn’t skip, but a part of Finn wished she would. That song always made him think of Poe, and sometimes it even made him cry because something about it felt too real. 

“Oh,” Rey breathed at some point during the chorus. “It’s…” she trailed off, and Finn could relate. There were no words to describe the mood. 

“Yeah.” 

They lay there, staring at the fairy lights above Finn’s bed. Just staring, lost in thoughts and feelings. 

_ I don’t wanna be your friend. I wanna kiss your neck. _ _   
_ _ Don’t you see me? I. I think I’m falling. I’m falling for you.  _

He felt like the weight of the world was on his chest, like he couldn’t breathe because his throat closed up completely, and tears were forming in his eyes. Because the song was right. The song was absolutely right, he was falling for Poe, and falling fast, and maybe he had fallen already. Maybe he had crash landed in full speed. 

“I think I’m in love with Poe,” he whispered as the song ended, tears rolling down his cheek, though it might have been because he wasn’t blinking. “But I don’t know what that means. And it’s scary.” 

Rey took his hand and said nothing, willing to listen to whatever Finn had to say. 

“He wants to teach me how to skate. And all I wanna do is hold his hand.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this! Please don't ever feel pressured to leave a comment or a kudos, I am so honoured that you read this at all! Thank you so much! However, comments do keep me going, they are what keeps me alive and writing and I love them all so much.   
> Really, just so much love going out to each and every one of you. Thanks for being alive <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, you lovely people! <3  
> Finally, here we go with another chapter!! I come to you with a large chunk of hurt/comfort because don't we all just need that? I'm sorry I took so long to update this, but my mental health has been spiralling even more than usual :P  
> That being said, I will have to take a break for a while which I will explain in the end notes, but I promise I'm not abandoning this fic :D 
> 
> I wanna say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who ever left a kudos, who subscribed and bookmarked and even left a comment. I am so humbled and blessed by each one of you and by your kind words and your dms and just. I nearly abandoned this baby after chapter 2 but looking at it now, this fic means the world to me and I'm so utterly thankful for every bit of love and every kind word you've sent my way <3
> 
> BRIEF WARNING for this chapter: Finn is depressed. This is a hurt/comfort chapter, and I do not hold back on the comfort here, don't worry. But it might be a bit hard to read if you're not in a good, stable place right now. Please be safe <3

Much like he expected, Finn woke up from a night of restless sleep feeling absolutely hollow and empty and miserable and tired. Great. He was distantly aware of his phone’s alarm going on and on, but he didn’t have it in him to reach over and turn it off. 

Dread filled him upon waking up, a weight settling on his chest. He felt like crying. He felt like sleeping and not waking up until next year or something, and he absolutely did not feel like getting up and facing life. The odds of him leaving the bed at all were low, and he just pulled the blanket over his head with a pathetic whimper. 

He was pathetic. He felt pathetic and absolutely useless, and-

“Finn,” Rey’s tired voice came from next to him, a soft hand rubbing his shoulder through the blanket, but Finn flinched away with a jolt of energy he didn’t know he could muster up. He didn’t want to be touched or looked at or talked to. He just. He wanted to sleep and not have to exist today. 

“No,” he said from under the blanket. 

The mattress shifted beneath him and then his alarm stopped and the silence felt both like a blessing but also oppressive and too much. He didn’t feel like he could breathe right, and that had nothing to do with the hot, stale air under the blanket. 

“No?” Rey asked gently next to him, probably having laid down next to him again like she always used to do when they were younger. They always used to just lie down with each other until they felt better, and Finn ached for it, but he really couldn’t ask that of her. 

“No,” he said definitively, sounding and feeling a lot like a petulant child. He closed his eyes although it was already dark under the blanket, but maybe if he just wished hard enough, he could go back to sleep. And then wake up again in a time where he could be okay. 

“Want me to stay home with you, peanut?” Rey asked gently, thankfully not reaching out to touch him. 

Finn considered that, considered staying in bed all day with Rey like they used to, but- 

“Don’t you have a date with Jess later?” 

She actually blushed a bit at that, but shook her head. “I’ll explain to her, she will understand that-” 

“No, Rey,” Finn said, lifting the blanket a bit so he could look at her. “Go have a wonderful date with Jess, you’ve been dancing around each other for so long, I really want you to go get her.” He smiled at her blush and added a little gentler, “I’ll be fine.” 

“You sure?” She still did not look convinced but seemed ready to respect his decision. 

“Yeah,” he said, trying to muster up a cheeriness he did not feel at all, but he didn’t want Rey to be feeling bad about this the whole day. 

“Okay,” she said with a small smile, still blushing at what must have been the thought of their upcoming date. “I’ll go get ready and then I’ll tell Luke, okay?” 

“You do that,” Finn nodded and pulled the blanket over his head again, cutting himself off from the world as well as he could. 

“Love you, peanut,” she said as she got out of bed, the mattress swaying a little under Finn. 

“You too,” he mumbled and then immediately felt bad for not saying it properly, for not getting up and giving her a hug and thanking her and being okay. Ugh. Great start for the day. In a desperate attempt of not losing his mind too much, he curled up into a ball and gripped the blanket tightly, wrapping it around himself and creating his own bubble of hot air. 

Distantly, he was aware of Rey rummaging in her room, packing her bag, walking down the stairs, talking with Luke. He hoped they weren’t talking about him. Just the thought of people talking about him when he wasn’t there, even if they were his family, was overwhelming and made him want to disappear, rip out the floor and bury himself underneath it where nobody would ever find him. The blanket wasn’t enough but it was a start. 

After a while of Finn staring at the underside of his blanket, debating whether he should lift it and get a decent breath of cool air or stay down here where he felt safe, Luke knocked on his door. That was enough of an excuse to lift the blanket, he didn't want Luke, his father, his protector, his family, to see him like this and get the thought that Finn was ungrateful for everything he got. 

But as Luke opened the door, there was a soft smile on his face. Worried but not pitying. Loving, even. Finn was so relieved for some reason, he felt like he was going to cry. 

"Good morning," Luke spoke softly. "Can I come in?" 

"Sure," Finn nodded and made to sit up properly, but Luke waved a hand. 

"Nah, you don't have to get up for me, it's okay." He sat down on the edge of Finn's bed, looking at him intently. "What do you need?" 

The weight on his chest both lifted and got ten times heavier and Finn wanted to not be looked at right now. Still, he held Luke's eyes. "I can't go to school today," he said, his throat closing up. He felt absolutely pitiful and pathetic and if he could, he would get up now and tell the world he was okay. That he wasn't a mess right now. But he couldn't. 

"That's okay, you don't have to. Got any tests or exams and need a doctor's note?" 

Finn shook his head. 

"Then it's settled," Luke smiled and moved to reach out, but the frown on Finn's face seemed to have stopped him. Ugh, he felt so terrible and ungrateful and- "Do you want me to stay home?" 

"No," Finn said immediately, probably too fast to not sound desperate, but he'd given it some thought already when Rey asked, and he just… He couldn't deal with company right now. "Sorry." 

Luke shook his head though and shot him a reassuring, soft smile. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Can I get you anything? Coffee? Tea? Breakfast?" 

"Um…" Jesus, decisions were hard. 

"All of the above?" Luke asked with a knowing smile. 

"I mean, if that's… I don't want you to…"

"Finn. You're my son and I love you, of course I'll get you breakfast. And then I'll call your school and then I'll leave and soon, you'll be okay again. And until then, of course I'll make sure to take care of you. Please don't think that's a hardship." 

Finn breathed in deeply. He could do this. He could believe Luke and he could accept the offer and the love and the care. He could do it. He deserved it... Or something like that. 

"Okay," Finn whispered. "Thank you." Again, he felt like crying. As soon as Rey and Luke were gone, he needed to get that out of his system, he decided. 

Relieved that he wouldn't have to face reality today, that he got to have a bad day without being judged by his family, Finn closed his eyes again. He was only half aware of Rey saying goodbye, or Luke coming back and setting a tray on his bedside table right next to that little origami X-Wing starfighter spaceship thingy that Poe made him that first day. 

Only distantly did he hear his phone vibrate repeatedly with a bunch of new messages, and a small part of him hoped they were from Poe, but he was too tired to check. And a bit scared to find out that maybe they weren’t. For now, all he wanted was to go back to sleep, and the last thing he heard was the front door falling shut the second time before he finally managed to fall asleep again. 

It was more like a doze, though, drifting in and out of consciousness. He was aware of the time passing, the breakfast Luke had brought him probably getting cold and dry, but he did not have enough energy to decide he could be awake right now. 

So he slept for a while, exhausted from a nearly sleepless night, the sun creeping in and shining through his curtains, putting his room in a dim, gloomy light which he felt was highly appropriate, thank you very much. 

At some very tragic point, however, it became impossible to ignore the pressing matter that was his bladder, and he could no longer put off getting out of bed. 

On the way to the bathroom, he even managed to check his phone and saw several new messages from Poe, both from last night and this morning. Poe wishing him a good night, a good morning, sending him a cute pic he snapped of Bee-Bee this morning that made Finn feel a little better even. Crazy how Poe always did that. 

**Poe Damneron** : 

> Finnnnnn where are youuu
> 
> Oh nevermind
> 
> :( 
> 
> Rey told me you’re not feeling well, I’m sorry
> 
> Hope staying home helps
> 
> Hope my double texts don’t make things worse but you know me, I have zero chill
> 
> No but seriously, I hope you’re feeling better soon
> 
> Just know you’re the most amazing person ever and I’ll be really happy when I see you again and whatever your brain tells you, it’s wrongg bc you’re the best
> 
> Okay sorry. I mean it, but I know it gets overwhelming
> 
> Anyway, text me if you want. And don’t if you don’t. No pressure. 
> 
> Gotta go now, Holdo is mad that I’d rather talk to you than listen to her
> 
> ndqwpodjp

When Finn reached the end of what felt more like Poe’s stream of consciousness, Finn found himself smiling and feeling just a little bit lighter. But it was an important bit because it gave him the strength to take care of himself a little, brush his teeth and wash his face. 

It felt good to think that Poe was thinking about him and taking the time to let him know. And that last message suspiciously looked less like a key-smash and more like an accidental pocket message that Finn found adorable despite himself. 

He didn’t know what to reply, though, so after a moment of contemplation and staring at the texts like they would give him the answer he was looking for, he typed a simple _thanks <3 _ . The heart was a bold choice, but he felt like it was the right one… Poe sent them all the time. To everyone. Surely, he wouldn’t even notice… right? It didn’t have to mean that Finn… No. Nope, okay, too bold. He deleted the _ <3 _ , but then the _thanks_ looked too plain. Ugh, why was this so hard? 

That could wait, he decided. Thankfully, Poe hadn’t been online to see Finn typing, so that was at least a small grace. He left the bathroom and felt incredibly drained again upon stepping foot into his room. Why couldn’t Poe just talk to him all day and Finn wouldn’t have to say anything? Why couldn’t Poe have a YouTube channel with tons of videos so Finn could listen to his soft voice and the way his accent made the consonants a bit softer and the vowels more rounded in a perfect combination that Finn never wanted to stop listening to? Why could Finn not just… get his shit together on the Poe front and just get over it? Over him? Why did he feel like a hot mess, pining after someone like he was in a stupid Jane Austen book? 

He sighed. Hopeless pining and a depressive episode, what a day! Standing in the doorway because there was no energy left in him to take the final steps to his bed, he took out his phone again and typed a new message. _You’re the sweetest, thanks :)_

Yeah. That should be okay. They’d been on that level of compliments already. Poe just told him he was the best, then Finn could say he was the sweetest. That was the natural progression of superlative-compliments. There was no going back to simple adjectives. And he was certainly not complaining. 

He hit send and went to Rey’s chat who had been sending him messages about how beautiful Jess looked today, attached with a few secretly taken pictures as proof. Finn smiled at how far gone Rey was on Jess, but found himself looking for a glimpse of Poe in those pics, so he was one to talk. 

He’s been meaning to tell her that his brain was stupid, that he hated it, that he wanted to go back to sleep but then Poe had to come and be all sweet and give him a bout of manic energy that sent his brain into overdrive and thinking about adjectives. But he couldn’t. He didn’t want to bother her, she seemed so happy, and she had her date with Jess today. What right did he have to make this about him? 

So instead he sent her a lot of heart emojis and a selfie as proof that he left the bed.

Her reply was an instant meme of Bee-Bee who has become the go-to meme provider for their gang thanks to the comedic genius that was the chaotic combination of Poe, Jess and Snap. It was the one where the most happy-looking Bee was surrounded by nothing but heart emojis. 

**Real MVPeanut:**

> So proud of you! Look at you, all glowing! 
> 
> Love you peanut! 
> 
> Also Jess and Poe and Snap send their love <3 
> 
> Poe’s been worried about you all the time, he’s really sweet about it though. 
> 
> And he’s asking me what I’m texting you rn hahah I love that boy so much
> 
> No but really, I love our friends. And you. 
> 
> But gotta go now, class and stuff :(( Talk later <3

To that, Finn didn’t reply because he was still stuck on the _Poe’s been worried,_ which both touched him, and made him feel like shit. He hated it when people worried about him. He felt like a burden, and he felt like his sadness was a burden to people because they tended to say “I don’t want you to be sad”. And that always felt a lot like what they were really saying was “I don’t like it when you’re not happy when I’m around, am I not enough to make you feel better?” or “Geez lighten up a little!” and well, that was not helpful at all. 

Not that he figured that’s what Poe was thinking, but just the idea of that made him feel pathetic, miserable, overwhelmed. He threw his phone onto his pillow and sat down on the floor, leaning back against the bed. The softness of his bed didn’t feel quite right, the floor felt like a more accurate choice now. ‘More dramatic,’ he heard Poe saying, ‘and sometimes your soul needs the drama to realise it is entitled to feel what it feels.’ A small smile crept onto Finn’s lips as he remembered those casually wise words. Poe was a lot more intelligent than he realised. One of these days, he’d have to tell him and make Poe believe it. 

Slowly, Finn worked his ways through the breakfast Luke had left for him. To his utter surprise, Luke had filled the tea and the coffee into two thermos mugs so they would be kept warm. It brought tears to Finn’s eyes from the sheer thoughtfulness. Just to honour Luke, to make him happy and to thank him, he even finished the two slices of peanut butter toasts.

When he was done, he didn’t feel like sitting anymore and lay down on the floor instead. He closed his eyes for a while even though he knew he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep on his hardwood floor, but closing his eyes and resting and pretending like he didn’t exist for a while was enough for now. It felt right. He didn’t know why he was like this, where it came from and what it would take for that to go away again. 

At some point, he didn’t know if it was minutes or hours later, he heard his phone vibrate repeatedly. Wait, that was a phone call. Someone was calling him. That meant he had to get up. And function. And talk. He’d rather not have to do any of those things, but if he missed the call, he’d likely feel bad about it for the rest of the day. And he was _already_ feeling bad. Ugh, decisions. 

Eventually, he sat up and groped his pillow until he reached his phone. 

_Incoming call: Poe Damneron_

Finn’s heart skipped and he picked up before he could think twice. 

_“Finn?”_ Poe sounded surprised and a little breathless. 

“Yeah, Poe? Did you not mean to call me?” Finn asked, confused. 

_“What? No! No, sorry, I’m just… surprised you wanted to- like, that you picked up. That’s cool. Hi! How are you?”_ Poe was rambling. He was rambling and Finn finally got to hear his voice that made him feel a little better instantly. Or maybe he just wanted for it to make him feel better and this was just a placebo effect. But a placebo effect is still an effect, after all. 

_“Finn?”_ Poe asked again and Finn realised he hadn’t actually said anything. 

“I’m… yeah.” He didn’t wanna say _good_ , but that was the reflex every time people asked him. And he’d been honest about it already today and he didn’t feel like saying it again, admitting it again, admitting it to the world and himself. 

Thankfully, though, Poe seemed to understand just fine. “ _Yeah, I get that. That’s okay, some days are just days. Listen,_ ” there was shuffling on the other side and it sounded busy. “ _Um… Is it okay if I came over?”_

“What?” Surely, Poe couldn’t mean that. 

_“It’s completely fine if you’re not up for that. But… well, Rey told me you’d be alone all day because she has that date with Jess and Luke is working late today and I really don’t want you to be alone, and I can make you food, and we don’t even have to talk, and… And you can still say no, I don’t have to come over, but I kind of really want to, and that’s completely irrelevant because what you want is what matters here, but like…”_ he paused and laughed sheepishly. _“Sorry. Hi.”_

Finn laughed a bit at that last bit. “Hi,” he said. They always did that when someone wanted to start over, and it was incredibly cute every time Poe did that. 

_“Is it- Can I come over?”_ he tried again. 

Up until then, Finn hadn’t known that that was exactly what he wanted. At least a part of him. A big part of him. But on the other side, if Poe came over, he’d have to function. 

He hesitated. “I don’t know, Poe, I’m really not in a good place right now,” he said and he absolutely, ridiculously hated himself so much for saying that. But it was true. Well, that was probably why he hated it so much. _Please come over, Poe._

_“I know that. And that’s okay, you don’t have to be in a good place at all times, I’m the last person to judge you. But I can… I can make you food and you’d have company and we can just exist together if you want, we don’t even have to talk.”_

“Poe Dameron offers not to talk?” Finn interjects with a small smile, relishing in the tiny bit of normalcy that came back as soon as Poe was talking to him. 

_“Hey, only for you, buddy,”_ he replied with a very audible smile. _“No, but really. It’s okay if you don’t want that, but I want you to know that I really don’t mind you being in a bad state of mind, I just… wanna be there for you, I guess. And with you. You know?”_

Finn smiled again, closing his eyes against the lump that was forming in his throat, because he had the best people around him. Rey, Luke, Poe. He didn’t deserve any of them and yet he got them all, and they were so wonderful and patient, and he really wanted for Poe to be here with him. 

So he let himself be selfish for once and found himself saying, “Okay.”

 _“Yeah?”_ Poe breathed, sounding relieved and excited at the same time. 

“Yeah, you can come over,” Finn nodded for some reason. “But, like, don’t expect too much, okay?” 

_“Of course! But don’t you worry about that, you’re good. So, I’m at the store right now, what do you wanna eat?”_

“Wait, you’re not at school?” 

_“Nope, I’m done. Fridays are my short days,_ ” Poe said. 

“But… you’re always there late?” 

_“Oh! Yeah, that’s ‘cause I know Fridays are your long days and I’m waiting for you,”_ he explained casually like he hadn’t just admitted that he’d been spending more time in school on Fridays just to spend a little time with Finn once he was done. Damn, Dameron!

“Damn, Dameron!” Finn laughed. “You don’t have to do that!” 

_“Oh, I know,_ ” he said, and then that was that. Finn shook his head at the miracle that was Poe Dameron. _“So? Food?”_

Finn snorted and they brainstormed for a while until they decided that anything with cheese sounded nice because it was time for comfort food. Poe said he could make quesadillas and then churros for dessert - both of which Finn never really had, at which Poe had treated him with what he later told him was a silent headshake. 

_“You gotta try them. I can make some, but not as good as paps, so excuse me in advance. My churros are actually good, though, and if we make enough of both, we don’t have to think of something else for dinner, so that’s cool. I’m still bringing vegetables and making a salad because salad is underrated comfort food.”_ Finn was listening to him ramble on and off, leaning back against his bed and closing his eyes to enjoy Poe talking all the while. He rattled off some ingredients, asking if Finn knew whether they had any of that, most of which Finn could answer. 

It felt good. It felt special, but it also felt normal and it was the exact mixture of everything plus Poe to make the weight resting on Finn’s chest a bit lighter, a bit more bearable.

There was a short break in Poe’s monologue as he was paying for the groceries, but as soon as he was out of the store, he started talking again, much to Finn’s utter enjoyment. 

_“Hey, so, is it okay if I come over right away? Or would that be overwhelming? I can wait a bit, go home first and you can get used to the idea of me being there, or I can go home and get Bee if you want her there, although I promised Snap he could take care of her today, so, sorry?”_

Finn used the short break - which sounded a bit like a question but with Poe Dameron, who could ever be sure? - and jumped in, assuring Poe that it would be fine if he came over right away and that he loved Bee, but it was better if Poe didn’t bring her. After all, Finn didn’t know how Luke would take to her, and if he would have the energy to take her on a walk later, and that thought felt a bit overwhelming after all, so really, it was better that Poe didn’t bring her. “Sorry,” he added. 

_“No, no, no, don’t be sorry, it’s cool. Snap was the happiest when I told him he could have her for the afternoon. Paps will be home early today, so there’s no worries, Bee should be fine. Man, I swear it’s like Bee-Bee is our kid and the three of us have shared custody,”_ Poe laughed. _“Well, the five of us, really,”_ he added, a bit shy, and Finn’s heart fluttered both at that tone and at the sentiment. It was hard not to sigh and swoon right then and there, but then Poe would hear it and would ask what’s up and he really didn’t feel like explaining his wistful sighs over the phone. Or at all, really. 

It went on like that for another twenty minutes, Poe was talking and Finn was listening and neither of them complaining about it, until Poe finally said, _“Okay, buddy, I’m in your street right now, be there in a minute.”_

“Great, I’ll let you in,” Finn said although it took him another few moments to gather the energy to actually get up and walk downstairs to the front door. The sight that greeted him, though, was absolutely worth getting up for. Poe was walking up their driveway, his face splitting into a beaming smile as soon as he met Finn’s eyes. Like he was elated to see him. Like he wasn’t coming to Finn to take care of him because he was depressed. Like there was nowhere he would rather be. 

Finn’s heart did that fluttery thing again and he was glad Poe wasn’t close enough to hear him take a deep breath because he couldn’t deal with the utter sunshine that was Poe Dameron. 

“Hey, buddy,” Poe said as soon as he reached Finn, the two of them standing in the doorway for a second before Poe asked. “Is it okay if I hug you?” 

Right up until that moment, Finn hadn’t realised how badly he wanted to be held. He nodded, feeling a bit desperate for it, like he wanted to crawl out of his skin and into Poe’s just so he wouldn’t ever have to go without human contact again. Earlier today he hadn’t wanted anyone to touch him. Now he was aching for it. He hated how that went. He nodded again just so the two of them could be absolutely sure of it. “Please,” he said and already moved closer to Poe. 

Poe, who had dropped the grocery bags not quite as gently as he probably should have, and moved in to wrap Finn into a long full-body hug. Finn was taller than Poe by a few inches but he felt so small that he actually buried his face in the crook of Poe’s neck, which in turn made Poe rise to his toes so he could hold Finn better. That made his heart do the thing again and he instinctively tightened his hold on Poe, breathing him in like he hadn’t done before. They had never hugged this long, this intense, but to Finn it felt absolutely right. 

It was a while before they separated again, and Poe didn’t step away too far, gifting Finn with another one of his soft, gentle smiles. One thing about Poe that Finn had noticed was that he had different smiles for different people, and he didn’t know about the others, but the smile directed at him made him feel very special. So he tried to give Poe one of equal brightness but he wasn’t sure he succeeded. He meant it though, the smile. He always meant it when he smiled at Poe. And he felt like Poe meant it, too. 

Okay, he was staring, but at least so was Poe. “Hi, Finn.”

“Hi,” he replied, still smiling. It was weird, though. He didn’t feel good instantly, he didn’t feel like his depressed mood was over, he still felt like crawling under his bed and never reappearing again - only this time he wanted to do that with Poe next to him. But wasn’t it supposed to be good now? Wasn’t it supposed to be better when the person you really, really liked was there? Wasn’t that the case in the books and movies all the time? Wasn’t he supposed to be okay now that Poe was here? Wasn’t he supposed to be okay _for_ Poe? 

The world was closing in, his throat closing up and everything was a bit much because everything only got more and more confusing with him, with Poe, with him and Poe and this stupid fucking day and his damned little crush and- 

Poe stepped away from him, giving him room to breathe. “Hey. Sorry. Sorry, I can- uh. Talk to me, Finn?” He picked up his bags from the ground and looked at him, worry clear in his eyes but there was an overlying patience that made Finn feel a bit at ease. “Or would you like me to talk?” 

“I’m… Sorry, I just. I’m bad at this.” 

“At what?” Poe asked, inclining his head. “At letting yourself feel bad?”

Finn shrugged. _At having a crush and at taking care of myself and at being me because I’m still just Finn no matter what mood I’m in, and I’m just bad at this._ But obviously, he couldn’t say any of this, so he shrugged again and said, “Yeah, I guess.” 

“That’s okay, we don’t really get to practise that. You don’t have to be good at it, but it’s nice that you’re trying anyway. Give yourself some credit.” With that, he shot him another smile, bumped their shoulders together gently and then moved past Finn. That was a good thing, too, because otherwise they would have spent the day standing in the open door, and that would be a shame what with all the groceries Poe had brought. 

He sighed and closed the front door behind himself before following Poe into the kitchen. 

“You hungry right now or do you wanna wait? Have you eaten today?”

Finn nodded, looking at the bags rather than Poe. “I’ve eaten. Can we not do this right now?” 

“The food?” Poe asked from where he was standing on the other side of the counter. 

Again, Finn nodded. He really just wanted to lie down and close his eyes again and he felt like shit for it now that Poe was here. It was unfair to Poe. 

“Hey,” Poe said softly. “Of course. We do whatever feels right.” Oh God, did he have to phrase it like that? Could he say it without a _we_ , because at this point Finn was reading things into this and it didn’t make anything easier, really. “We can make food later. Wanna go upstairs again?” 

Decisions! But yes, that actually sounded like what he might want right now. So he nodded again, not looking at Poe because surely he looked as miserable as he was feeling. 

Poe ducked his head so he could meet Finn’s eyes and gifted him with another beautiful, kind, gentle smile. “Can I hug you? You look like you could use another hug.” 

“Please never stop hugging me,” Finn blurted before he could stop himself but Poe only laughed in surprise, not in malice, before wrapping his arms around Finn again in a warm hug. 

“Yeah, I can do that,” Poe said quietly, rubbing his hands up and down Finn’s back, and he wanted to melt. Because that hug could mean so much, and while he didn’t know what it meant to Poe, to Finn it kind of meant everything. And he didn’t want it to stop, so he held Poe tighter and didn’t let go. He felt Poe sigh softly before he seemed to melt into Finn as well, and… yeah, this was everything. Everything he wanted, everything he needed. 

It _had_ to stop eventually and he knew that, but it still hurt a bit when it did. Poe didn’t step too far away from him, though, but instead took both of his hands and squeezed them gently. “Okay, then let’s go upstairs.” 

He waited for Finn to take the lead, but honestly, Finn was a bit at a loss at what to do with his hands still in Poe’s, ice cold fingers being warmed until he was sure he really would melt. 

Finally, his brain got the memo and he lead Poe upstairs, one of Poe’s hands still loosely holding onto him like an anchor, like a reminder that he didn’t have to be alone, and Finn was immensely grateful for that. He never wanted to let go. For a number of reasons. 

“Here we are,” he said upon reaching his room and opening the door for Poe. It occurred to him then that Poe had never been in here before and he felt like closing the door again and asking to go downstairs again because this was it. Now Poe was seeing his room, getting to know another aspect of Finn, getting to know Finn better, and if that wasn’t a scary thought, what was? 

But he soldiered through at the delight on Poe’s face as he took everything in, immediately walking to Finn’s bookshelf that was absolutely overflowing with books.

“Man, I knew you liked to read but, this? This is insane, no wonder you’re brilliantly intelligent. Jesus Christ,” Poe was shaking his head, looking through the books in silent admiration. “I don’t even know most of these!” he surmised with a laugh, turning back to Finn and then back around. “Please tell me you’re running a secret bookstagram or something.” 

“Yeah, and I called it Finnstagram,” he shot back, sitting down on the floor again, absolutely content with watching Poe. The undercurrent of everything not being fucking okay was still there, but quieter now. 

“No way!” Poe whirled around, surprise and delight clear in his face. “You’re shitting me! Please tell me Finnstagram exists, I need this to live, please, please, please, Finn!” He came over and sat down right beside him. 

“It does not exist, hate to disappoint you,” Finn said, gently bumping into Poe’s shoulder before letting himself fall back until he was lying on the floor again, staring up at Poe’s smile and the little crinkles by his eyes. Poe was so beautiful, he never wanted to look away. But the world became a bit much right now, so he closed his eyes. 

There was a silence in which Finn assumed Poe was looking around the room again to take in everything, but when he opened his eyes again for a second, Poe was still looking down at him, a small smile forming as soon as their eyes met. 

Finn couldn’t stop his own smile from forming or his heart from fluttering as he closed his eyes again. 

“You okay?” Poe asked quietly, probably feeling the need to fill the silence. 

“Better,” Finn answered eventually, letting out a long breath. “Thanks for being here.” 

“Of course.” There was movement beside him and then Poe was lying down, too. “Didn’t want you to be alone,” Poe said, his tone strange, a bit off. 

It was a thing Finn had notices very early on, that Poe was never alone. There were always people around him, and even when there weren’t, he looked for them. Poe always surrounded himself with people, always waiting for Jess and Snap or Finn and Rey. Jess was always there even when there was no real reason for her to be. And now Poe said he didn’t want Finn to be alone. That was when it clicked. 

“You don’t like being alone,” Finn observed, eyes still closed. 

“Nope,” Poe said and then went quiet again. “Actually, I’m scared of that,” he added after a while, voice hesitant like he was still contemplating whether he should actually be saying that out loud. 

“Of being alone?”

“Mmh,” Poe hummed. “It’s stupid, I know.” 

Finn opened his eyes and turned his head to face Poe who was staring at the ceiling. “It’s not stupid. I think we’re all afraid of being alone.” 

Poe huffed out a little laugh at that before turning his head toward him, a sheepish smile on his lips. “Yeah, but I didn’t mean the noble fear, the existential need to not be alone when you die. I mean… like, the silly fear of a kid who’s alone in a dark room supposed to sleep. That feeling. I don’t like being alone, I always feel like I’m that little boy then.” He huffed again. “I’m fucking eighteen years old and cannot be alone without being afraid something’s gonna happen.” He sighed. “It’s stupid. But… yeah. I guess that’s that. So, whatever your brain is telling you right now, however stupid and crazy it may seem, you can always remember that Poe Dameron is scared of being alone, and maybe you won’t feel so silly anymore.”

“It’s not stupid,” Finn insisted, reaching out but stopping before they could touch. “It’s not. Thank you for telling me.” For some selfish reason it even made him feel better to know he was not the only one with irrational and weird hang-ups. And it was nice of Poe to just tell him things about himself. Maybe that’s why Poe did it, though, to make Finn feel less alone and stupid. Well, it certainly worked. 

Poe smiled at him but still looked a bit tense as he looked back up at the ceiling. This time, Finn did reach out, squeezing his hand a little, Poe immediately answering with a small smile and squeezing back. He hoped it meant that Poe understood he was in no way being judged and that Finn just didn’t know what to say. He didn’t dare to leave his hand there, though, so he pulled back quickly. The small smile stayed on Poe’s lips and he looked a bit more at ease now, so there was not much room for overthinking this. 

They lay on the floor for a while, staring at the ceiling, each other or nothing with their eyes closed. Poe told him about everything he’d missed in school today, which wasn’t much, but apparently Rey and Jess were even cuter today than usual. 

“I really hope they get together soon,” Finn said. “Rey is… She’s so cute. We talked all night about-” _you two_ , he almost said, trailing off, his heart racing again. 

“Yeah, me too,” Poe said, lost in thoughts, and Finn desperately wished he knew if Poe meant he’d talked about him all night, too. Maybe with Jess? Maybe Poe thought about Finn as much as Finn thought about him? 

“I’ve never seen Jess crushing so hard,” Poe continued, none the wiser to Finn’s pining. “I guess I get it, though,” he mumbled like he didn’t even realise he said it out loud. It sent Finn’s heart racing again and his thoughts rapidly stumbling over each other. What did that mean? What did he mean? What did he get? How did he get it? Why, with whom, since when? 

Poe turned toward him, something heavy and serious in his eyes, so overwhelming that Finn had to close his eyes again. He didn’t want heavy and serious right now, he didn’t want to see, he didn’t want to be seen. 

Neither of them said anything for a while and they let the music Poe had chosen play quietly between them, let it fill the air with soft acoustic guitars and lyrics Finn didn’t have the energy to pay attention to. At some point, Finn’s stomach decided it had enough of whatever was happening here and growled in protest of not being fed. 

Poe chuckled and sat up, checking his phone for the time in the process. “Come on, I’ll make some food. It’s almost dinner time anyway.” Poe got to his feet and held his hand out for Finn to grab. That hand looked like more of an invitation than the idea of food did, even though his stomach vehemently disagreed on that front. He reached up to take Poe’s hand and pulled himself to his feet. 

Again, Poe didn’t pull back his hand immediately, so Finn went in for another quick hug before leading the way downstairs. He did not miss the way Poe melted against him or how he was still smiling as they entered the kitchen. 

Finn watched Poe prepare dinner, guiding him through the kitchen and otherwise just “sitting there and looking cute” as Poe had instructed, making Finn blush harder than he thought possible. His heart apparently hadn’t got the memo that it’s been exactly seven minutes since Poe said that, because it was still going crazy in his chest. 

At some point, after it became obvious that Finn didn’t feel like talking much, Poe began humming a song and singing under his breath. It was a beautiful sight that made Finn want to get up from where he was sitting on a stool, leaning against the countertop, and join Poe and hug him and hold him and lean his head on his shoulder while Poe continued preparing whatever he had said he was making. He wanted to get up and reach out so badly, he had to clench his hands to keep himself from doing just that. 

Before he could lose all sense of self control there was the sound of keys jingling against the front door, immediately followed by Luke’s, “I’m home!”

Finn saw Poe tense up a bit but still called out, “Hi! We’re in the kitchen?” 

“Yeah, I figured,” Luke answered with a laugh. “What smells so nice?” he asked upon entering the kitchen adjacent to the living room. “Oh, hello,” Like said when he laid eyes on Poe, surprise clear on his face. 

“Hello, sir.” Poe reached out to shake Luke’s hand. “We’re having quesadillas, and churros for dessert,” he said, a bit awkward which came as a great surprise to Finn. He’d never seen Poe be anything but charming and confident before. 

Luke was staring at him, too. Like he was trying to figure something out. And then Finn remembered! They used to know each other, when Poe was much younger Luke and Poe’s parents had been very close! Luke was probably trying to put the pieces together. 

“Oh, sorry, sir. I’m-” 

“Poe!” Luke exclaimed, eyes wide in recognition. 

“Uh. Yeah, hi.” Poe chuckled and looked decidedly awkward, and Finn could not handle how cute he actually was. 

“Wait, did you just call me sir?” Luke laughed “Do you know that I used to change your diapers?”

Poe blushed a deep red and seemed at a loss for words, so Finn saw it as his duty to jump to his rescue. “Dad!” 

“Sorry, I don’t mean to embarrass anyone. I’m just… Poe!” he turned to Poe again who was concentrating hard on the quesadillas in the pan. “Poe Dameron,” Luke tried the name again. “Man, you’ve grown up. How have you been? How’s Kes? How’s everyone?” 

Poe looked up at him, a stubborn defiance in his face and Finn was filled with dread for a second. This could not end well. “We’ve been good,” was what he ended up saying, though. Nothing more, nothing less, and Luke seemed to understand. 

“Good. That’s good,” he nodded and then turned to Finn, approaching slowly, his hand outstretched to give Finn enough time to pull back. He didn’t and Luke wrapped his arm around Finn’s shoulders. “How are you? How was your day?” 

FInn shrugged, leaning into Luke’s embrace and catching Poe’s eyes as he smiled in their direction. “Okay. Poe’s here.” Like that wasn’t obvious. Like that explained anything. Like that didn’t say more than Finn had meant to say. Like Luke didn’t see right through him. Oh God, what if he found out? Shit, shit, shit. 

“Dinner’s almost ready,” Poe chimed in, a slight blush on his cheeks. “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt. But, um, these will be done soon. And there’s enough for the three of us, so, uh, you can join, sir.” 

“Please stop calling me that, Poe. I’m Luke, I always have been nothing but Luke. Okay?” 

“Okay,” Poe mumbled. “Sorry. Yeah, I can do that. Anyway, food?” 

Finn couldn’t stop the smile from forming. Poe was cute. And sweet. And pretty and too good for him, for anyone. 

“I’ll go set the table,” Luke said, stepping away from Finn. 

“Sorry for that,” Poe whispered as soon as Luke was out of earshot. 

“Nah, you’re good,” Finn assured him with a smile. 

Despite earlier awkwardness, dinner was a comfortable affair with Luke and Finn continuously praising Poe’s food. But if they’d thought the quesadillas were amazing, the churros were a dream! 

“Oh my God, you’re gonna have to come over every time just for these, Jesus, Poe!” Finn said around a mouthful of the soft vanilla and cinnamon-y dough. 

“Well, I’m sure something can be arranged,” Poe laughed. “I’m glad you like it, though. It’s the perfect comfort food.” Finn and Luke found themselves agreeing with appreciative groans and Finn absolutely lived for the happy, satisfied smile that refused to leave Poe’s lips.

Later, as soon as they were in Finn’s room again with a few of the leftover churros, Poe told him that he used to bother his mother until she would agree to make some. Little Poe had been addicted to the sweet treats very early on. Finn could not blame him one bit, and he loved it when Poe told him something about his childhood. It felt like an achievement every time the learned something new about the boy who made his heart do wild things. 

They were lying on the floor again but this time Poe got up again with a groan and grabbed the blanket from Finn’s bed. “Come on, at least we can make this more comfy.” And with that he spread out the blanket and some of the pillows on the floor so they could be more comfortable. Finn didn’t know what it was but something about this gesture was very touching and warmed him to his core. He wanted to wrap around Poe and hold him and thank him and never let go. 

But he didn’t. Instead, he just let Poe dote on him and spread out the blanket and pillows until he was satisfied and let Finn lie down again. Poe lay down beside him, closer than before. Finn looked down at where Poe’s hand was lying next to him, palm facing the ceiling. He wanted so badly to take it. As he looked up at Poe’s face, Poe was looking at him already, smile in place but curls falling over the side of his head in a stubbornly cute way. He wanted to reach out and tuck them back behind his ear, he wanted to reach out and touch Poe’s cheek and feel the soft skin. Or maybe it wouldn’t be soft, maybe it would be rough from stubble or from having shaved in the morning. 

The onslaught of thoughts was too much, the desire too strong for him to handle, the certainty that Poe surely could not feel the same way, that Poe could not possibly want for Finn to touch him like that, to look at him like that, to think of him like that. But Finn couldn’t stop it. And he felt disgusting for it because it was unfair to Poe, but he couldn’t stop thinking about how wonderful, kind, sweet, caring, brave, smart and absolutely beautiful Poe was. 

He couldn’t stop. And he couldn’t stop shaking as he closed his eyes against the world again, had to stop looking at Poe. 

“Hey,” the boy whispered. “You’re okay. I’ve got you, I’m right here. Want me to get Luke? Want me to leave? Turn on the lights or close the curtains?”

Finn was shaking his head, his eyes still closed. He didn’t want any of that.

“What do you need, Finn?” Poe’s voice was gentle, caring, no judgment in there and Finn was ready to melt or cry or laugh. All of it, probably. 

“A hug?” he said eventually, though he didn’t know how they would manage. All he knew was that he wanted Poe in his arms right now. Or be in Poe’s arms, respectively. 

Poe huffed again in that amused way he had, and then Finn felt arms around his middle and Poe’s head resting on his chest. It was awkward since they were still on the floor of his room, but he managed to wrap his arms around Poe in turn and squeeze lightly, careful not to hurt him. 

Poe didn’t say anything but Finn felt the arms around his middle tighten a fraction and with a jolt he realised that Poe could probably hear his racing heart. If Poe knew how to read him, he was an open book right now. 

But. That thought didn’t feel too scary, which probably shouldn’t have been surprising, but it was. It definitely was. If Poe knew how to read, he could be a book. 

All he needed was- “Courage.” 

“Hmm?” Poe hummed, not moving from where he was basically lying on top of Finn. 

“You asked me what I need. That’s it. I need courage.” 

Only now did Poe move back to where he had been lying next to Finn before, to properly look at him and make sure he understood what Finn was trying to tell him. There was a slight frown between his brows. “But, like, you’re the most courageous person I know? What do you mean you need courage?” 

“Wait, how am I the most courageous person you know? Our dads are literal war heroes, Poe.” 

Poe rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean. Okay, let me rephrase: within my social cohort and peer group,” Finn smiled and shoved him for the smart-assery, “you are the most courageous person I know. You literally saved my unknown ass from a complete stranger with a knife the first time we met, so you don’t get to prove me wrong here. So, what do you mean then?” 

Finn sighed and looked up at the ceiling again. “I just. Sometimes there are things that I want. And things that I can have, things that are offered to me, and still there is something that holds me back every time. A part that is scared or something, I don’t know. It’s weird. But I can’t really… I can’t stop it? Being afraid. And I don’t even know what I’m afraid of, all I know is that I can’t have it because I won’t let myself. Or something.” He waited a beat. “And I’m afraid that if I don’t figure this out, I’ll never end up having what I want. I really don’t like that idea, though.” 

There was a silence for a moment before Poe

"It's a huge step, to take what you want. Even if it's freely given, Finn. I get that, don't be too hard on yourself. You're gonna be just fine and one day, you'll have all the things you want," Poe said with a lopsided smile. 

"That's easy to say," Finn mumbled, but he knew Poe knew that. And he knew Poe was right. 

"It is. But it remains true. I wish I could help you take what you want, but I'm afraid I can't do that, because then that would just be active giving, not active taking." 

Finn smiled at him. "You're too smart, Poe, get out of here. This is not a smart place today." 

"Everywhere you are is a smart place, Finn," Poe said quietly, and when Finn met his eyes, there was something intense in them. Something scary. But also something that... 

"Can I try something?" he asked, his heartbeat picking up. 

"Sure," Poe said without missing a beat, without moving, without even blinking. He was waiting for Finn to make his move, patient as ever, and Finn was really grateful that Poe was here with him. 

Slowly, ever so slowly, he moved his hand toward the other boy, lifting it slightly. Poe's eyes didn't leave his, he trusted Finn enough, apparently, to not try and see where his hand would go. Finn, however, had to look at his fingers, look at the proof of how he was taking what he wanted, a small, insignificant movement, but he has been meaning to do it since forever. 

Gently, tenderly, he ran his fingers across Poe's forehead and pushed a few stray curls back from where they had fallen into his eyes. Poe's skin was soft, his hair was glowing in the evening sun shining through his window, and he was radiating heat like crazy. 

Mesmerised, Finn followed his fingers until they disappeared into Poe's hair. It was only when Poe's breath hitched slightly that he realised what he was doing. And that it was weird and inappropriate and he pulled his hand back immediately, afraid to meet Poe's eyes and see the confusion or even disgust in them, but- 

Poe was still looking at him with that intense look, but now there was that small, secret smile on his lips. "Was that something you wanted to do?" 

"Yeah," he admitted, wanting to look away but his eyes were glued to Poe's. 

"How did it feel?" 

"Good," he breathed. 

Poe nodded slightly. "Yeah," he whispered. "Good."

They stared eat each other for a while, and the weight of the world could never be as heavy as the weight of Poe’s eyes on his, but it also could never feel as comforting, either. Finn found himself smiling, his breath coming short, his heart racing. This felt important. This felt like a change, like a chance, like a promise. This felt like so much more than he could imagine. 

"For the record, now you're better than any of the protagonists in those cheesy books you've been reading," Poe said, some of his old cheekiness back where there had been intense stares just a moment before. 

"Huh?" 

"You were terrified and then you did it anyway," Poe explained, moving slightly to find a more comfortable position on the blanket. "That's more than any of the flat YA characters have ever done. They're never terrified for the right reasons," Poe grumbled. 

Finn huffed and looked up at the ceiling, letting that statement hang in the air because there was obviously more to it, but Finn was not really up for talking about being scared anymore, still high on having touched Poe's face, still vibrating, still confused about what that meant. 

"Do you not like books?" Finn asked after a while, tearing his eyes away from their fixed point on the ceiling and looking back at Poe again. At his warm, open expression that made him feel like it was okay to be lying on your bedroom floor sometimes. 

"Well, I do like books. And stories of all kinds. But very rarely the protagonists. They're just… flat mostly, and their only character trait is being the protagonist of a YA novel. It gets old. Especially when you're not white and straight." He trailed off. "Sorry," he said, giving Finn one of his cute, embarrassed smiles that were very rare, Finn found. 

"What for?" 

"I don't know… for always having an agenda. It must get tiring." 

"No, not at all," Finn reassured him, and he meant it. Poe was the last person on this planet who could ever be tiring. With Poe it was something new every day, but there was also a clear, obvious pattern. Poe cared. About most things in life, things that other people didn't even think about or didn't deem important. Poe didn't think he was very intelligent, but he was one of the smartest people Finn had ever met, and he made a mental note to tell him some day. 

No scratch that. Not some day. He was depressed, he hadn't left the house today, had barely left his room at all, but Poe was here. Next to him, lying on this bedroom floor like it was where he belonged, and he didn't even bat an eyelash. He didn't even consider not being kind. Because he was Poe, because he was smart and kind and sweet and like a fire warming him up on a cold night. 

"I know you don't think so, but you're very smart, Poe. One of the smartest people I know," he said, quietly, but the way Poe's eyes met his again, the surprise, the sweet happiness in them, the doubt buried underneath the sparkle told him that Poe had heard him. 

"Um… wh…?" He was so taken aback, he didn't even manage to form the question. 

Finn smiled and wanted to reach out and take his hand that was lying between them, palm up. Palm up… was that an invitation? When had it turned? When had the urge to take Poe's hand in his become so strong? 

"It's true. And you always say true things about people, just like that, so I thought I could say it, too. I gotta get better at that, sorry." 

"No, no," Poe jumped in before Finn could apologise more or explain himself. "I just. I wasn't expecting it. Thank you, Finn, I appreciate it." He smiled, honest and genuine and beautiful and Finn felt his heart in his throat. He really, really wanted to reach out again. Take his hand. Ask again if he could try another thing, a new thing, but… he was scared again. And it got too real. And he wanted to hide. But he couldn't, because he was here, on the floor, with Poe next to him who always saw right through him. 

He couldn't hide. But he could pretend. So he turned on his side, away from Poe, staring at the dust and strands of Rey's hair that had gathered under his bed. Just barely did he resist the urge to curl into a ball and start crying just so the pressure on his chest would lift that was always there when he got scared because of Poe. One step forward, two back, apparently. 

But there was no movement behind him, Poe was not getting up to leave, he was just lying there, next to him. Patient. Sweet. Kind. 

"You okay?" Poe asked, just barely above a whisper. 

"No," Finn said and was actually surprised that he said the truth. Usually he would say he's fine on instinct, but well, looking at their situation, there was no point in lying to Poe. 

There was generally never any point in lying to Poe. Ever. 

"Do you… Never mind," he winced at himself both for what he had been about to say, and for how he tried to deflect. Stupid, stupid, stupid! 

"Do I what?" Poe offered. 

"No, it's stupid." 

"Finn," Poe huffed, amused at something. "I literally just told you that I'm scared of being alone. I know enough about stupid, but I also know you're not likely to meet these conditions." 

Finn actually smiled at that. Poe trusted him without a second thought, told him about his fears that he was embarrassed about, and didn't expect anything in return. If Poe could do this, Finn could, too. He could try, at least. 

"I just… I feel like you see me. Like, really see me sometimes. And that's… that's really scary. Because I like it, but I also really don't." There was a pause that Poe didn't fill, that he left for Finn to find his words, and Finn really just wanted to turn around and hug him. Cuddle, really. He took a deep breath and balled his fists before him, trying to get this out right. "I just. It's like I've been put in an armour. Helmet and all. Or maybe i put it on myself, I don't know. Point is, nobody knows me, nobody sees me, they only see the armour, kinda. And then… then you come along, and just like that, I lift the helmet. I want to lift it, but also you make it like I have no other choice. No choice but to trust you," he added so Poe wouldn't get the wrong thought. He closed his eyes because maybe then he could pretend that he wasn't saying this. That he wasn't being brave. That he wasn't sure he was absolutely in love with Poe Dameron. 

Taking a deep breath, he kept going. "And for the first time, the helmet is up. And for the first time I want the rest gone, too, and for the first time I think that's possible. But also, I am absolutely terrified because I don't know what it means. I don't … I don’t know who's under that helmet, that armour. I don't know who I'm supposed to be, Poe," he finished on a whisper, trying hard not to cry. It was just so... overwhelming to fight every urge to run away with Poe lying right here beside him. But maybe it could be worth it. 

“That’s okay, though,” Poe whispered beside him, quiet but insistent. “It’s okay not to know who you are. Stop me if you don’t want to hear it, just let me know and I’ll stop if what you wanna do is vent, go ahead. But Finn. Knowing who you are is overrated. It might not feel like it, but that’s part of the problem. Why aren’t we allowed to find out? Why don't we allow ourselves not knowing and then an eventual moment of surprise? Knowing who you are is something most people never really achieve. It changes. Let yourself change, Finn. Let yourself grow and be wonderful, because I _know_ you are. You're Finn, and you get to decide what that means. You, and nobody else. And you have your whole life to figure it out. There is no rush. And I’m rambling again, I know that, but I am so grateful for what you said? That you trust me and that you’re not as scared of me seeing you as you are with everyone else. I’m flattered and honoured and blessed, but Finn. You gotta let yourself see you, too. Because you’re wonderful and I think you’d really like the Finn I know,” he finished, his voice growing lighter towards the end until only his soft smile was left. 

Of course. Leave it to Poe Dameron to take not only his breath away but to steal every possible thought right out of his brain. Finn didn’t know what to say to that? What did you say when the person you were hopelessly crushing on gave you a speech with existential depth and more profound than anything he’d ever read or heard from people who claimed they had it all figured out. Leave it to Poe “Let me hold dramatic speeches” Dameron to casually uncover the universe’s best-hidden secrets. 

Finn didn’t know what to say, because what could you possibly say to that? So he said nothing, only shuffled a bit closer to Poe, muttering a “Thank you” under his breath, but he couldn’t even say it out loud because it wasn’t enough. 

The two of them lay in rich but comfortable silence for a while, so close together that Finn could feel the warmth Poe was radiating. He wanted to close the distance and rest his head on Poe’s chest this time in a direct reversal of their earlier hug, but he wasn’t sure that was okay. He couldn’t ask, he couldn’t take what he wanted, still a bit drained from earlier. 

What came to his mind instead of things to say was the question that had been burning there on a low flame since the moment Poe had entered his house. Or since Poe had called him at noon earlier today, asking of he could come over. There was the ever-present question of why he was here. Surely it wasn’t simply that Poe didn’t want him to be alone. 

He had to ask or he would never know the answer.

"Hey, Poe?" 

"Hmm?" The other boy turned his head to look at Finn, stray curls falling over the side of his head, making Finn itch to run his fingers through them. Again. He had let Finn do that, and that was just another reason why Finn had to ask this. 

"Why are you here?" He knew his voice sounded small and he was actually not sure if he was ready to hear the answer. Whatever it would be. Finn wasn't ready, but still he needed to hear it. Sure, Poe could lie, evade the question, reply with "Why wouldn't I be?" and then that would be that, but somehow Finn knew he wouldn't. 

And he didn't. Because he said nothing at all for a while, apparently thinking, really thinking about it. That did nothing for the way Finn's heart was racing, had been racing since the second Poe had called him earlier. 

"Because," Poe started, voice wavering a bit as he paused, biting his lip, a frown forming between his eyebrows. Oh shit, Finn hadn't meant to overwhelm him, he was so stupid, he should apologise, should make it better, should say it didn't matter, should- 

A light chuckle ripped him from his spiralling thoughts and he looked back up at Poe's eyes. For the first time today, they were closed. But Poe was smiling that secret smile of his, like he saw something in his mind that made him happy. 

"Because, Finn, I didn't even think about not being here. I don't... I don't want you to feel sad," he sighed and opened his eyes, staring intently at Finn. "But that's selfish, and more than that I want you to... to know that it's okay to not be okay. I'll be right here, always, whenever you need me. Not just when you're happy and won't stop talking about your favourite books or bands or animals. I'm here. I wanna be here. Always, because it's you, Finn, and it really is not hard to want to be there for you. That's why I'm here. That's why it didn't even occur to me to not be here, actually. And I'm sorry, that's a bit presumptuous and I know I can be a bit much and I can leave anytime, you just gotta say the word. But... yeah." He frowned. "Does that answer your question? Sorry, I think I kinda trailed off a bit," he laughed sheepishly, rubbing his face with both hands. 

Finn was... He was speechless. He felt like he was about to burst because something was... different. Right. Confusing but at the same time absolutely clear. 

He liked Poe Dameron. There was no denying it, that much was obvious, but for the first time there was also no pain in that thought. No denial. No wishing he didn't. Because how could he not? How could he not like someone who went absolutely out of their own way just to be there for him, to take care of him, who didn't even think twice about it, whose heart was made of absolute gold and made everything just a little bit better just by existing. 

He was staring at Poe. At his hands, at his hair, at his glowing form, because he absolutely was. Poe radiated light and warmth and lying here beside him, Finn felt like he could breathe for the first time in days. Months. Years, possibly. 

He was staring. And now Poe was lifting his hands slowly, unsure of what Finn thought of him now after the rambling. What Finn thought was, I wanna hold your hand, please let me hold your hand. Please like me back.

"What?" Poe breathed, amused and insecure confusion clear on his face am that Finn felt he could read like an open book. 

Finn smiled and shook his head, losing himself in those kind, dark eyes. "Nothing, I just-" Tell him. Tell him like he told you. Finn huffed out a breath and smiled, tears forming in his eyes because everything felt just that more intense right now. "I just... You're so amazing," he said, his heart racing like it hadn't before, like he was running a marathon face- first through the wall for the first time in his life. He should say it. Say more. But he couldn't, because it was too much, and he didn't want it to get even more overwhelming now, he didn't want to run straight into the next wall without watching where he went. 

But it was true. Poe was amazing, and there was no amount of lies Finn could tell himself that would change that. Poe was amazing and he deserved to know it, deserved to know that Finn thought so and was absolutely sure of it. 

The radiant but still somehow shy smile on Poe's face was absolutely worth having potentially permanent tachycardia.

“Finn,” he began with what was more of a sigh than anything else. Poe shook his head in wonder, a blush rising to his cheeks and the smile splitting his face nearly in half. He ducked his head like he was shy all of a sudden, and breathed a, “Thank you. I think you’re amazing, too.”

He looked back up at Finn and really did look shy now, uncertain, almost insecure, but hopeful. Finn had to stop reading too many things into Poe’s expression, he decided as he waited for what was coming, his heart picking up again in slight panic at the thought that Poe had finally caught on, figured out that Finn had feelings for him and would now let him down slowly in pure Dameron fashion. 

“And I know,” Poe started again but hesitated, looking away from Finn briefly before taking a deep breath and starting over. “I know I keep telling you. That you’re amazing, and I know you keep not believing me. But Finn. I’m... You… I just.” He sighed and raked a hand through his hair. “I’m bad at this. I’m really bad at this, and I don’t want to unload this onto you, especially now, especially today when you’re not feeling good and just wanna hide, but. You know I can’t keep my mouth shut, and you let me into your house, so you basically did it to yourself this time. But, um. I think you need to know, that it’s unfair if you don’t, and that this comes with no obligation or anything, I just… Finn, I need you to know that I think you’re amazing and that I really, really like you. More than I should, maybe, and more than you might be comfortable with, which is okay. Just say the word. Or figure it out and say the words later, but like. Yeah. Sorry. I just really like you and forget how words work sometimes.” 

Finn was pretty sure that he forgot how to breathe. This could not be happening. Poe Dameron could not be telling him that he _liked_ him. No way. Nope. Surely that wasn’t what Poe was saying. It couldn’t be! 

“You… like me?”

“Uh-huh,” Poe nodded, not meeting his eyes, frown in place. 

“Like, as more than a friend?” 

“Yep.” Poe was trying and failing to be casual, but Finn didn’t care. 

Finn couldn’t breath but he didn’t care. He couldn’t feel his heartbeat because it was racing so fast he couldn’t keep track of it, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t feel his hands because everything was tingly and electric and overwhelming and bordering on too much, but he didn’t care. Because Poe Dameron liked him and he liked Poe, and maybe they could work this out. 

A laugh bubbled up in Finn’s chest and he rolled, crossing the few inches left between himself and Poe, and rested his head on Poe’s chest, hugging him with everything he had, feeling giddy and energetic and maybe a bit manic, but he didn’t care, because Poe was hugging him back. Tentative at first, then as tightly as Finn was holding him. 

“Poe? Can I hold your hand?” he asked, still insecure and anxious about it, if it was okay for himself and for Poe and for _them_ , but now he had solid reason to believe that it could be okay. 

And it was, because Poe said, “Yes. Any time,” and then Finn was reaching for Poe’s hand, squeezing his fingers. Poe pulled back briefly, only to lace their fingers together and then moving to support Finn’s weight better. It was still awkward down here and Finn had yet to say something real, something that told Poe what he was thinking, but Finn could let them have this before he would have to break the spell. Because he couldn’t deal with this. Not now, not today, maybe not even soon. Like Poe had said, all he wanted to do was hide - only the spot had changed, because currently he was trying to hide his face in the warm crook of Poe’s neck. 

“Poe?” he said eventually as the other boy started drawing small circles on the back of Finn’s hand

“Hmm?”

“I, uh. Can we talk about this later? Please? I mean, I really like holding your hand, but…”

“Yeah, Finn,” Poe said, nodding against where Finn’s head was still buried in his shoulder. “We can talk about this whenever you’re ready. And… if you want there to be a ‘we’, we won’t do anything until you’re ready. I won’t do anything until you’re ready. And-” 

“Poe,” Finn hated to interrupt him, especially when he was being vulnerable, and he felt like an asshole, but he really, absolutely couldn’t talk about this right now. 

“Sorry,” Poe said, squeezing his hand. “Is this okay, though?” he moved his thumb against the back of his hand a bit more pronounced so Finn knew what he was talking about. 

“Yeah. All of this right now is okay. More than okay. But…” he trailed off. 

“You just really wanna hold my hand and not let go and talk whenever you’re okay again?” 

Finn nodded. “Sorry.” 

“No, don’t be,” Poe chuckled, tightening the other arm around Finn’s waist and closing his eyes. “This is good. I’m just glad I told you. We’ll talk about the rest later, okay? There’s no rush.” 

“Mhm,” Finn nodded, closing his eyes and just breathing Poe in, trying hard not to slip on the fine line he was wandering between _wonderful_ and _too much, overwhelming, abort mission, hide!_ It was hard, but he was trying. “For the record, I’m happy you told me, too. Like. Kind of really happy.” 

They lay in each other’s arms in silence, both of them enjoying this too much to break the spell, afraid that the little bubble would burst. Finn was scared of leaving Poe’s embrace, of Poe going home and leaving Finn to think about everything that had happened today and then spiralling into another crisis. So he pretended he wouldn’t have to leave Poe’s embrace and closed his eyes against the world again. Poe did the same, content to just hold Finn and draw silly little patterns on the back of his hand and sometimes his other arm moved up and down Finn’s side with a featherlight touch. He was unable to lie still, always needed to be in motion, but Finn didn’t really mind that. 

It was dark outside, the days growing shorter and the nights longer with fall on their doorstep. Luke knocked on the door, thankfully not coming in before Finn could untangle himself from Poe, and asked how Poe would be getting home and if he should drive him. But before Poe could answer Finn said that he would bring him, earning a radiant, soft, touched smile from Poe. 

“You don’t have to do that," he said as soon as Luke closed the door behind himself again.

“I know,” Finn said and slowly, tentatively lay back down, his head pillowed on Poe’s shoulder. “I know, but… I don’t want to say goodbye yet. You spent the day with me, making sure you get home safe is the least I can do.” 

“Will you be okay, though? Is it a good idea to let you walk in the dark when you’re still kinda sad? Will things get worse?” 

Finn shook his head but even he knew there was a fair chance his mind would go spiralling again. “Can I call you if they do?” 

Poe smiled and hugged him tighter. “You can always call me. Any time. I’ll even give you your own ringtone so I know it’s you.” 

“What, I don’t get to be a Bubblegum Bitch?” FInn asked in mock offence. 

Poe laughed. “You can be any kind of bitch you want, Finn, I’m not gonna stand in your way.” 

“Good,” Finn chuckled, rubbing his cheek against Poe’s chest. “Thank you,” he said, and he didn’t mean the ringtone. He meant _everything_. 

Later, as they were walking together, Finn found himself wanting to take Poe’s hand again, wanting to know what it would feel like to hold hands in public, even if it was in the safety of the night. But… could he just grab it? Was that okay? Did Poe want that? Was public display of affection okay? Was any of this okay? Was it even real? Was it- 

Poe bumped their shoulders together and brought him back to the moment. Finn breathed deeply and found the courage to ask, “Poe? Can I take your hand again?” 

“Yes,” Poe said, ducking his head and smiling at the ground. But he didn’t reach out to take Finn’s hand, he waited until Finn laced their fingers before tightening his grip. It occurred to Finn that Poe had just made him take what he wanted even if he’d made sure that Finn knew it was given freely. 

And if that wasn’t an overwhelming thought. It was a small gesture that took no effort on Poe’s side but it made Finn feel like Poe understood him. Really understood him. Like Poe was patient and ready to make this work and ready to wait until Finn felt like making this work, too, and-

He stopped walking, tugging Poe in with their joined hands and wrapped him into a hug. A long, warm, gentle hug where he buried his face against Poe’s neck and just let himself enjoy the moment. 

Poe didn’t do anything, just held him in return, and that was everything Finn needed. Everything Finn wanted. 

So they walked together, hand in hand, sometimes just connected by their pinkies, and Finn was still shaking, still reeling, still fighting the urge to run and hide, but for the first time in a while he felt like he had a real reason to not run away. A reason to try to stay. And that reason was a beautiful, kind boy and his warm hand that seemed so full of promises. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was LONG! I hope you liked it anyway :D If so, please consider leaving a comment, I love hearing from all of you <3 
> 
> As I mentioned in the notes at the beginning already, I'm gonna have to take a break from all things fandom and writing because exams are coming up and they do not mix well with depression, anxiety AND writing. I will be back in August, I hope, but since I have SO MUCH coming up, I can't make promises. Writing this story is so healing and cleansing and wonderful to me, I will not abandon this story! I'll just have to take a small break and make priorities :/ 
> 
> If you want, you can come say hi over on tumblr at [happybeeps-nat](https://tumblr.com/blog/happybeeps-nat) where I constantly post little snippets of my various WIPs, or just come for a chat and tell me if you're having a good day or a bad one, I'm always there to listen!  
> Much love to all of you! <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look! I'm still alive!!! Not sure anyone still cares about this story apart from all my friends on Tumblr that I keep annoying, but here we go!  
> I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to this, but 2020 has not been kind to me, and this chapter has initially been a lot sadder and more dramatic, but then I thought we're all feeling like shit, 2020 is still going, we're all sad and the world is dramatic. It's time for some fluff :D So here comes (mostly) fluff! It was so hard to get back into the YLSA writing flow, but once I started writing today, I had 6k words down :D Those past 3 months have been catching up!!  
> Hope you're all safe and healthy <3
> 
> Special thanks to my mutuals on tumblr, you know who you are, I love you so much!

The next day, after having talked to Finn until late at night, and right after taking Bee-Bee on her extensive Saturday afternoon walk, Poe went over to his best friend’s house. 

“Jessika, I’m so fucking soft!” he declared upon entering Jess’s room, throwing himself on her bed with a dramatic sigh.

She finished typing something or other on her laptop, then spun her desk chair around slowly so she could face him properly, regarding him with an amused expression. “Hello to you, too.” 

He sat up and grinned at her. “Hi. Back to the point, I am soft. Soft, Jess! Ugh!” He fell back again and flailed. Like, actually flailed. 

Jess laughed and leaned back in her chair, resting her feet up on her bed by Poe’s legs. “You’re cute.” 

“No, Finn is cute! Have you seen him? He’s… he’s so… ugh!”

“I swear, apart from you I’ve never heard someone say ‘ugh’ instead of just groaning.” 

Poe chuckled. “Let me live, man.” 

“I’m not stopping you,” she grinned and got up to lie down beside him. “So. You’re soft?” 

“Very!” 

“Finn?” 

“Finn.” 

She smiled at him. “Yesterday was good then, I take it?” 

He closed his eyes and couldn’t keep the smile off his lips as he remembered last night. “So good,” he sighed. 

She chuckled beside him. “Same,” she said with a smug tone. 

“Oh my God! Right!” She’d been on a date with Rey yesterday! An actual, real date! Poe opened his eyes and looked at her, taking her hand in his to emphasise the wide-eyed look he was giving her. “Tell me everything, I feel so robbed!” 

Jess blushed and absolutely failed to suppress her grin. 

“Aw, you’re such a goner!” Poe cooed, laughing at her intensifying blush. 

“Shut up,” she shoved him. “I’m not gonna tell you anything.”

“Yes, you are,” he grinned and shoved her right back. 

Jess sighed. “Yes, I am.” And so she told him everything about their date yesterday with that soft smile on her lips that Poe had never seen before and that he couldn’t help but to mirror. They went to the botanic garden right after school where Jess told her all those random facts about plants while secretly watching how Rey’s eyes went wider by the minute. “She was so cute about the plants. Told me over and over how she’d never seen so many different flowers before, then she kept pointing out flowers that reminded her of me, and then she honest to God _blushed_ every time! And we picked up flowers and petals from the ground and put them in each other’s hair like we were some 17th century ladies or something. And then we made fun of the Latin names for the plants because most of them sounded like lame characters from a basic YA book, and then we made our own characters, and just... _Poe_! I’m so soft. I’ve never been so soft!” 

Poe’s heart swelled with joy and he was so happy for Jess and for the way she could not seem to stop smiling. She was straight up gushing about Rey and he loved that so much. And Poe totally related to that never having been so soft part of the story. 

“And then we had ice cream and a little girl just kept smiling at us in the cutest way and Rey said she’s never been so happy, ever? And I didn’t know what to say, so I just went and hugged her. And then we didn’t stop, so we’ve just kinda been cuddling for an hour or something? I don’t know, time flew by like crazy.” She chuckled. “Only in the end she got worried about Finn again, but I told her you were there with him, and then she just smiled.” 

At this, Poe perked up. “Do you… Like, do you think she _knows_?”

“Pookie, everyone knows you have the Feels for the Finn.”

Poe blushed and didn’t know what else to say to that. Jess chuckled and he tried to pout, but couldn’t keep that up long. “Man, I’m so happy for you!” 

“Yeah, me too,” she whispered like she was trying not to jinx it, but her expression was so dreamy and happy, maybe she was only lost in thoughts. 

She was quiet for a while, though, and Poe started to worry a bit about that silence, so he asked, “You okay?”

“Mhm,” she nodded. “Yeah. It’s just... a lot, I guess. And I don’t know if she, like, actually really likes me, too? Or if she just wants friendship? Or if she actually had the chance to find out what she wants in life and in a relationship, and I’m afraid that I’ll be her drafting board, you know? And just, you know, all that struggle with girls, and I know it’s stupid but. I mean, what if I’m misreading the situation? And… yeah.” 

Poe stared at her ceiling, a cynical feeling spreading in his chest as he realised that Jess was having the same issues as he and Finn. And he remembered when Jess was head over heels for Paige Tico and Paige thought she’d been in love with Jess, too, only to find out that she fell in love with their moments rather than with Jess as a person. Ever since then, Jess’s useless lesbianism increased significantly. Things with Rey were moving fast, faster even than things with Finn, and Poe really hoped that Rey was serious about this. He needed to have a talk with her about that - it was his duty as the best friend. Just like Rey would likely have A Talk with him, too, if things with Finn continued as they were. 

He sighed, bringing himself back into the present. “It’s so weird how this is supposed to be a good thing, a wonderful thing, but all we are is panicked and insecure,” he mused. 

Jess rolled her eyes and nodded. “Yeah because nobody told us how to be gay and in love. Ugh.” Poe huffed before he could stop himself, and she looked over. “What?” 

“Now _you_ said ‘ugh’ like the dramatic gay you are.” 

She laughed and swatted at him. “Oh, shut up and let me live.” 

Poe joined in and they lay on Jess’s bed for a few moments, staring at her ceiling while ABBA came from the speakers in all their glory. 

“I, uh, told Finn I like him. Last night while we were lying on his bedroom floor.” 

Jess looked at him with a proud little smile and curiosity clear in her eyes. “Yeah? And how did that go?” 

The memory of last night made Poe feel warm and fuzzy all over again, like his skin was tingling with the ghost of Finn’s touch, his hug, his hand in Poe’s. _Never stop hugging me_. He chuckled as the scene played out again before his mind’s eye. “It went good, I think.” Jess waited for him to tell her all the details like she knew he would. Like he had done for years. “I mean, I guess? Like, he took my hand and we cuddled and then he walked me home, so that has to mean something, right?” 

“Yeah. But?” 

Poe shook his head on a sigh. “No but, I’m just a bit worried.” 

She nudged him gently. “You always are.”

Poe turned his head and looked at her, one eyebrow raised. 

“Secretly, you always are. You just don’t want people to know.”

Poe smiled at her, then shrugged. “Yeah, guess you’re right.” There was a brief pause. “He didn’t want to talk about it, though.”

“About you liking him?”

Poe nodded. “And, like, I get it? Especially when you’re having a bad day, there’s no need for The Feel Talk. But…” he trailed off, looking back at Jess’s ceiling that was still sprinkled with those glow-in-the-dark stars that they both still love. 

“You’re worried that he won’t talk to you about it at all? And that he’ll subject himself to his anxiety rather than talking to you?” 

After a beat, Poe nodded. “Yeah. Or, like, that he’s not ready for it and I’ll end up making a fool out of myself. Like, I can be patient and take it slow for him. I really, _really_ like him. But I’m so far out of my comfort zone that I can’t help but worry that I’m in way deeper than he is.” He sighed. “Sorry, I’m rambling.” 

“That’s okay,” Jess said, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze. “I’ve never seen you like this, though, it’s kinda cute.” 

Poe chuckled. “Yeah, I’ve never _felt_ like this. It’s the first time that it’s so… intense, you know? Weird.” 

“You don’t usually go for the quiet, shy, and anxious type,” Jess reminded him. 

“Finn’s more than that. He’s extremely brave and bad-ass if he wants to be.” 

Jess looked at him again. “And now you’re hoping he’ll be brave enough to love you? Or to try, at least?” 

Poe didn’t know how Jess did it, but she always managed to hit the nail right on the head. But maybe he was just that easy to read. He nodded. “Basically. I just hope everything’s not too much for him right now, you know? Like, having a rough few days, being a senior, a shit-ton of workload, having someone like _me_ have a crush on him, a new town, new friends, new everything while life won’t stop for a moment?” He sighed, feeling miserable. “I could see that being too much.” 

Jess nodded slowly. “Yeah, same with Rey. But I don’t wanna, like, dance around her and pretend to know what she wants and needs, either. Though she at least is someone who’s frank about what she wants, so I don’t have to worry too much on that front. I hope. But Finn? I can see him trying to solve everything on his own and not wanting anyone to think he’s weak or something. I don’t know how I’d go about that, either.” She sighed. “I’m sorry this is all so complicated.” 

“And thus we’ve circled back to the initial saltiness of being raised in a heteronormative world where nobody is allowed to talk about their feelings, huh?” 

Jess laughed at that. “Don’t we always?” 

“We do! And I love that for us.” 

They looked at each other in silence for a while, Jess’s playlist had reached Alec Benjamin and they just wanted to wallow in their conflicted thoughts with him for a while before eventually turning back to ABBA like they always did.

“I want us to be happy,” Jess said after the song. 

“You will be,” Poe assured her. 

“No, I mean _us_. You and me. We deserve this. We gotta be happy, babe.” She took his hand again, squeezing, bringing back the worries from earlier. 

Because part of Poe still didn’t believe this would actually work out. Part of Poe was still preparing to be hurt, for Finn to be a wise man and take care of himself first before taking on Poe as a maybe-boyfriend. Part of Poe wanted to back out, run away from the feelings and just look for someone to have sex with again, no strings attached. But he couldn’t do that, because he had attached all his strings to Finn already and now everything was in Finn’s hands. Poe’s strings were Finn’s to pull or to let go, and that was scary, and Poe was preparing to fall. Though whether that would be falling in love, or just plain falling, he didn’t know yet. And he didn’t think he had much control over it. And not being in control was something that scared him. A lot about this whole thing scared him. But not enough. And hopefully, Finn would be the same. 

He sighed. “Yeah, I guess we do. I hope so.” 

“We will!” 

“We will.”

* * *

On Monday morning Poe woke up a full half hour before his alarm went off, feeling warm and awake for once, full of energy that could only come from the thought of seeing Finn today. And from the memory of talking to him on the phone last night, the way Finn spoke to him while Poe had been playing on his Playstation 4, the way there had been an obvious smile on Finn’s lips as he teased Poe for being distracted and asked him questions about his game. 

Checking his phone, he smiled at the _good morning_ :) text he already got because Finn was an impossibly early riser, and replied in kind with a little heart emoji at the end. Then he almost jumped out of bed and into the shower before going downstairs where an impatient Bee-Bee was already waiting by the closed glass door that led into their garden.

“Buenos días, mi amor,” he greeted her overly joyful, ruffling her ears and pressing one or two kisses to her forehead. Where Bee had been impatient to get out just moments before, she was now trying to tackle Poe in an attempt to give him all her love right back. He laughed as they wrestled for a good minute before Bee had enough and demanded to finally be let out. “Alright, go chase the flowers or whatever,” Poe grinned and watched her dash around the dark garden for a while, throwing herself into the grass and rolling around before getting up again just to start over somewhere else.

Stars, he loved his dog! Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he tried to snap a few pictures of her but it was still too dark in the early morning, October coming closer, and the days getting shorter. Instead, he went to text Jess.

**Poe Damneron:**

> Sometimes I wonder if Bee loves grass and fresh air more than me :/

**Testor:**

> honey we all love grass and fresh air more than you
> 
> its less trouble

**Poe Damneron:**

> ...hey!
> 
> Okay, fair.

**Testor:**

> anyway wanna bring me a triple espresso?
> 
> pwetty pwease??????
> 
> im dyingggggggg

**Poe Damneron:**

> Only if you come pick me up and get it yourself

**Testor:**

> bruh thats like a 20 minute walk just to get to you

**Poe Damneron:**

> …Take the bike Jesus Christ

**Testor:**

> ill do anything for Dameron triple espresso and you know it

**Poe Damneron:**

> *Damneron

**Testor:**

> damn YOU eron !!!

**Poe Damneron:**

> <3<3<3

Poe was grinning down at his phone as their coffee maker was steadily filling the whole coffee pot that he and his paps needed every morning.

“Well, someone’s up early,” came a surprised, sleepy voice behind him and Poe turned around, the grin still on his lips, as he wished him a good morning.

“Yeah, it’s that one day of the year, you know,” Poe bit his lip.

“Uh-huh,” Kes grinned and moved to the coffee maker, letting out a delighted hum upon noticing that Poe had already made coffee for them. He gave him a sideways hug and raised his eyebrow. “And I suppose that has nothing at all to do with a certain boy in your life?”

Poe couldn’t fight the blush that was undoubtedly forming on his cheeks. He turned around to grab their two favourite mugs from the cabinet – just to be effective, of course. Not at all to hide the blush his paps had definitely seen already, judging from the deep chuckle. “Maybe?” Poe admitted after a moment and couldn’t help the soft smile breaking out again.

“Things are going good, then?” he inquired further.

Poe nodded and let out a breath, still not entirely used to talking to him about boys. “Yeah, I think so? I told him I liked him on Friday.”

“Oh? That’s good. I’m so proud of you, mijo! What did he say?”

“Nothing,” Poe shrugged, ignoring the questioning frown that was forming between his father’s brows. “He couldn’t really say anything, I think he was overwhelmed. It was bad timing on my part, as always,” he huffed, smiling fondly at the memory. “He hugged me, though. And took my hand. And didn’t really let go. And… yeah. I think he likes me, too, paps.”

Now it was Kes’s turn to smile fondly, leaning against the counter, mug of steaming coffee between his hands. “Why, of course he does! How could he not like you? He’d be silly not to, and I’m not saying that because I’m your papá.”

After filling his giant mug – a bright orange one with a washed-out picture of Bee-Bee as a pup on it – with coffee and oat milk, Poe leaned against the counter next to him. “Thanks. I’m gonna take this slow, though. Don’t want to mess this up,” he said, then took a sip of the steaming hot, delicious coffee. “Really don’t want to mess this up,” he repeated quietly, more to himself than anything else.

“You won’t,” Kes said with a lot of confidence that Poe had yet to find within himself when it came to Finn. “Talk to him. Really talk. I think that boy is someone who needs to know things before he can really feel them. Like a defence mechanism maybe.”

Poe nodded because exactly that had been the plan he’d had the whole weekend to refine. “Good thing I never had a problem with talking, huh?” he remarked with just a hint of self-deprecation.

“In true Dameron manner!”

“I’ll drink to that,” Poe laughed, clinking their mugs against each other, and that was that.

They both got ready for the day and Poe took Bee-Bee on her morning walk, letting the cool air of late September blow over his face and through his hoodie. It was a beautiful day. A few clouds making for an amazing sunrise, the air smelling fresh, and leaves crunching under his feet that created the soundtrack to his favourite season of the year.

He snapped a few pictures of Bee-Bee in the pinkish light of the rising sun, red and yellow and brown leaves sticking to her fur, and sent them to his friends. He even took a selfie in the perfect moment when Bee-Bee came over to where he was kneeling down and decided it was time to lick his cheek. Feeling brave and more than enamoured with his wonderful dog, he sent it to Finn with no caption or comment.

The reaction was immediate and Poe watched the _…typing_ bubble obsessively, his heart beating in his throat even as Bee tugged on her leash, demanding to go back home. Just as Poe turned off his screen, the message came in. _Jealous! :) <3 _ And if there was a big fat smile on Poe’s face the whole way back, that was nobody’s fault but Finn’s.

Back home, he had 10 minutes left before Jess would be there, so he grabbed his bag from upstairs, the lunch box his paps always left him even now that he was a senior, and prepared her triple espresso with just a dash of pumpkin spice because he knew she loved that but hated asking for it.

“You’re an angel, I love you so much, I will never ever say anything mean about you ever again, ever!” she rambled as he passed her the cup. She downed it in one go, gave it back and then jumped on the spot repeatedly. “Okay, Monday, let’s go, let’s do this!” she exclaimed, overly enthused.

Poe stared at her. “There’s no way this shit is already in your system.”

“No, but one, placebo effect. Two, I already had three cups of coffee but none of them were Dameron-level good. And three, the fact that I get to see Rey again today is helping a lot with the whole Monday business,” she grinned.

And, yeah, okay, Poe could relate.

Together, they made their way to school on their bikes, slowly and talking all the way, completely ignoring road safety rules in the process. But there was hardly any traffic around here anyway, so nobody cared.

Like most mornings, Rey and Finn were already there, waiting for them with tired smiles on their faces.

“Is that Poe Dameron I see, _early_ on a Monday morning?” Rey gasped, teasing and cheeky – and Poe would be annoyed or feign it at least, but he was so happy that she had warmed up to them like that, that she had grown from a reserved, quiet, careful girl to one of his closest, cheekiest friends, that he couldn’t quite manage to even feign annoyance.

“Well, good morning to you, too,” he grinned and leaned over to give her a hug and a kiss to her cheek.

He stepped away from her and turned to Finn who was smiling at him, those warm, dark eyes trained solely on him, their expression soft and making Poe’s heart skip a beat like usual. For a moment, neither of them moved, and Finn looked a bit uncertain, his hands clenched by his sides like he didn’t know what to do with them. Poe smiled and stepped in, wrapping Finn in a tight hug, hyper aware of the way Finn tensed a bit at first, then wrapped his arms around Poe as well, though not as tight as Friday night. Poe tried not to read too much into that, or how Finn stepped away after a moment and stuffed his hands in his pockets, still clenched into fists.

They needed to talk. They really, really needed to talk about everything. Poe needed to explain himself and his feelings and how he didn’t want that to pressure Finn, how Finn was under no obligation to date Poe now or at any point. He needed to talk to Finn as soon as possible, before Finn would talk to his own anxiety instead of Poe.

“Hey,” he said instead of anything profound, because this was not the time or place for any sort of Talk.

“Hi,” Finn breathed, a soft smile still on his lips that gave Poe hope, that made the butterflies in his stomach go wild again, and that stole the words right out of his mouth. So they only looked at each other, and away, and at each other again.

 _I want to kiss you. I want to hug you and not let go and take your hand and show the whole school how much I like you, and I want to hug you again. And kiss you. So badly._ Yeah, he had it bad. He was so overly aware of every inch of his own body, every inch of Finn’s body, and every inch between them. He wanted to take Finn’s hand, wrap his calloused fingers around Finn’s soft ones, press their palms against each other, press his own body against Finn’s.

Instead, he put his hands in his pockets, too, and looked over at where Jess and Rey stood in a soft embrace, their eyes closed, small smiles on their lips. He would be jealous if he wasn’t so happy for them, for Jess and for what they had. Remembering what Jess had told him about their date, the two of them were absolutely perfect together and for each other. There was no room for jealousy, really. For yearning maybe. Definitely! Oh, was he yearning! But he couldn’t do anything about that until he had The Talk with Finn.

The slight awkwardness between him and Finn continued as the four of them walked to class, History with Chewie for Finn and Poe, Socio with Beaumont for Jess and Rey. The girls were walking hand in hand behind them, talking quietly in a way that made Poe even more aware of the distance between himself and Finn. He was trying hard not to spiral, not to overreact, not to read anything into what was so obviously just Finn being insecure and unsure about where they stood. Of course. Because Poe hadn’t made that clear. Because they hadn’t talked about that yet. _Chill, Dameron. You got this_.

“See you at lunch?” Jess asked before they went into their respective classrooms, Rey’s hand still clasped loosely in hers. Like it belonged there. Which it probably did.

“Of course,” Finn replied gently while Poe was still staring at their hands.

“Great, see you then! And don’t do anything stupid without me!”

“Don’t think that’s possible,” Poe shot back with a wink.

“That’s my boy!” Jess laughed before turning around, tugging Rey along with her.

There was a moment of silence between them as Poe looked at Finn, his whole body itching to reach out, to tug him in, to bury himself in everything that was _Finn_. He was almost in physical pain just holding back.

Before he could do anything to break the silence and say anything dumb, however, Finn took a deep breath and said, “I really wanna hug you again. Can I?” He sounded so genuine, so worried that Poe would say no, that he had maybe changed his mind and didn’t want anyone to know what happened last Friday night. Like he doubted the feelings Poe had for him.

Poe didn’t say a word, just tugged on Finn’s arm because his hands were still in his hoodie pockets, apparently to stop himself from reaching out. And Poe couldn’t have that. So he tugged on the arm and stepped in, wrapping Finn around himself, burying his face in Finn’s neck which was perfect because he was taller than Poe.

He could feel the vibrations in the other boy’s chest as he chuckled and wrapped his arms tighter around Poe, almost all the tension leaving his body in that instant. Poe was flooded with relief and tried to bury himself even further, have no spare inch between them, let them become one. It was pathetic, it was overwhelming, it was so incredibly wonderful to just breathe Finn in.

“Is this okay?”, Finn asked quietly, running one hand up and down Poe’s back, leaving a trail of goosebumps there. Poe was sure he was going to grow a boner from the sheer tenderness of it.

Still, he nodded. “Remember how you told me to never stop hugging you? On Friday?”

“Hmm,” Finn nodded slightly.

“Well, same goes for you. Anywhere, anytime. This is free hugging territory, especially for you.”

Finn hummed again and rested his head against Poe’s for a moment before reality came crashing down in the form of doors closing around them and the first period being about to start.

Before they went in, though, Poe pulled himself together and worked up the courage to ask Finn, “Wait for me after class?”

Finn nodded, a slight frown between his brows. “Sure!”

“Great,” Poe smiled, letting go of him completely. “Let’s do this.”

In class, Poe was extremely glad to be sitting in front of Finn instead of the other way around, because otherwise he was sure he’d just be staring at him all the time instead of listening to anything Chewie had to say about the political history of the Western World. It was hard enough to keep himself from turning around every five minutes just to smile at Finn as it was. Seeing as how every time he did turn around, Finn was already looking, kind of proved his point there. It also made him feel warm and fuzzy all over. 

It was hard listening to Chewie when he couldn’t keep his mind or his eyes from constantly returning to Finn. A glance at the watch told him it was just another 30 minutes, then class would be over and he could kidnap Finn for a while and actually talk to him. His heart was racing and he had to do something to keep his hands from shaking with all the energy cursing through him. He didn’t even fully realise what he was doing until there was a slightly deformed little paper X-Wing on his table, edges messy from his unsteady hands.

Seeing that small folded figurine took him back to the first day of school this year and how he had placed one on Finn’s table out of the blue. He smiled down at it, not as pretty as that first one or all the other ones Poe had made before it, but he liked it anyway. On a whim, he ripped a small piece of paper from his legal pad and scribbled a note on it.

_remember how i promised i’d make you some more of these? i’m the worst. here’s another one at last. x_

He tucked the note into the X-Wing much like he’d done that first day, and placed it on Finn’s table with a wink as soon as Chewie was busy talking to the blackboard again. There was a delighted chuckle coming from behind him and it took every ounce of strength in Poe not to swoon or slam his head on the table from how strongly he was feeling for the boy behind him.

Eventually, blessedly, class was over and Poe was positively vibrating out of his skin; nervous, anxious, excited, enamoured, determined, and so many more adjectives he couldn’t even put his finger on but he was definitely feeling them. He was also dramatic, but that was his default at this point.

As promised, Finn was waiting for him by the door with a soft smile that turned Poe’s legs to jelly.

“Hi,” he said stupidly but Finn’s smile only grew.

“Walk you to class?” he offered but Poe shook his head.

“Um, I was thinking I could kidnap you? For a while?” Finn frowned at him but Poe soldiered on. He really needed to get that out of his system sooner rather than later. “You have a free period right now, right?” Finn slowly nodded, frown still in place. “Can we talk? Please?”

“Don’t you have class with Holdo now? She’ll kill you if you skip.”

“Eh, Holdo will want to kill me anyway,” he shrugged.

“Poe,” Finn sighed, obviously torn.

“Please.” He was giving Finn his best puppy eyes, and he knew it was working. “I swear I’ll leave you out of this, whatever happens. And I’ll let you get to third period after, promise. Please.”

Finn huffed and rolled his eyes but it didn’t betray the smile on his lips. “Okay. Let’s go.”

Poe grinned at him and it took every ounce of self-control he could muster up to not take Finn’s hand and drag him up the stairs to the music room Poe knew would be empty right now. In fact, it was the same music room where Finn had found him that one day in the first week, where he had caught him singing and where Poe had ended up singing only to him.

He almost stopped at that memory, almost wanted to turn around and go find someplace else. Because what if that conversation didn’t end well, what if they figured out that they weren’t ready yet, what if Finn had changed his mind after all? What if it was all too real once they were in there?

“Where are we going?” Finn asked, unaware of Poe’s inner turmoil.

“The music room,” Poe said, and thus it was decided. He would do this. _They_ would do this.

As predicted, the room was open but empty – same as the past three years and Poe never figured out why. It was full of instruments, it should be closed at all times. But maybe it was open just so that dramatic teenagers could have emotional talks sitting in bean bags. Every school needed one such place!

Distance still between them, though not as heavy and tense as this morning, they sat down next to each other on the bean bags, not quite touching but no more than one arm’s length apart. Poe was nervous, hyper aware of himself and Finn and everything in this room, literally and figuratively.

“So,” Finn started after a while, staring at a loose thread in his jeans instead of Poe.

“So,” he said, taking a deep breath, steeling himself.

“What did you want to talk about?” Finn asked, voice tense, unsure of what was to come.

Poe smiled at him even if it was just to give himself something to do. “I think you know the answer to that,” he said gently. “I told you I liked you.”

Finn nodded, tensing up further. There was a brief silence that nobody knew how to fill before he asked, tentatively, “Do you still?”

Poe couldn’t keep in the laugh that bubbled out of his chest, because how could he not? But Finn must have misunderstood because he frowned and sat up slightly, ready to close off at any second. Poe sobered up immediately. “Of course! Jesus, Finn, of course. Nothing has changed over the weekend. I promise, I still like you!” Finn didn’t seem all too convinced and Poe cursed himself for not thinking for even one second. “Can I take your hand? Please?”

Finn reached out and Poe laced their fingers, feeling at ease with Finn’s hand in his.

“What was going through your head this morning?” Poe asked, changing his tactic to a more Finn-centric approach. He should have started out with this question, but that was too late now.

Finn took a second to answer. “This,” he said simply. “If you still liked me. And what that means. And I still don’t really know what it means, to be honest.”

Poe nodded. “That’s fine. Like, how could you? And it doesn’t have to mean anything, but also it can mean whatever you want, whatever you’re ready for.” Finn met his eyes for the first time, a question clear in them, and Poe started over. “I told you that I liked you because I figured you should know. Because there is no point hiding it and because I’m extremely bad at hiding it. And because you deserve to have a say in this, to tell me to fuck off if you need me to, all that. You get to do that at any time, okay? I want you to know that... You are under no obligation to go on a date with me, you’re under no obligation to take my hand, hug me, speak to me or even look at me. But as much as you deserve to know that, so do I. So if and whenever you want me to leave you alone, I need you to tell me.

“But that’s not the point,” he sighed, desperately wanting to start over for the third time. “I know it was bad timing to tell you. But I don’t regret it. And if you had been open for me to explain, which I don’t hold against you, don’t worry! But, like, if? Then I could have told you that it doesn’t have to mean anything to you. But it can also mean a lot if you want.” He sighed again. “I’m sorry, I’m really bad at this.”

Finn nodded, taking in all the words Poe couldn’t stop himself from saying. After a moment, he finally asked, “What is it that you want?”. And in that instant, Poe remembered what his paps had said this morning: _I think that boy is someone who needs to know things before he can really feel them. Like a defence mechanism maybe_.

“I want to hold your hand, right now and out there, for everyone to see. I want to hug you and for you to hug me and never stop, remember?” They both chuckled for a second, then Poe went back to taking the biggest jump of his life. A leap, really. A leap towards Finn, hopefully. “I want for you to take your time and figure things out. I want to take you on dates, on walks with Bee, I want for you to still be my best friend but also more? If that makes sense? But… yeah, I want you to not think you have to do this because I put my cards on the table. It’s okay if you’re not ready for that. Hell, your whole life basically just did a complete 180 and then I come along and basically do the same to you? And you have no control over it, and I’m sorry, I really am, but-“

“Poe,” Finn sighed softly, stroking his thumb over the back of Poe’s hand. “Hey, don’t go spiralling. That’s my job,” he smiled gently, and Poe gradually calmed down.

His heart was still racing like crazy. It felt a lot like all the odds were stacked against them in that moment. But then Finn pulled their joined hands to his lips and pressed a soft kiss to the back of Poe’s hand. And then just like that, the world was okay again.

“There’s… Poe, I have no idea who I am yet, I told you. Or even who I want to be in the grand scheme of things.” Poe nodded, ready to listen to whatever Finn had to say because this was _it_ . Finn took a deep breath and continued. “I know who I was, though. And you took that person and… I don’t know what you did, but you made it better. Me,” he corrected. “You made _me_ better. And I don’t know who I am, and maybe I won’t get to find out in the foreseeable future. But I know that… I have my whole life to try and figure that out for myself. But I only have one chance to figure out who I want to be with you. For you. And… And I think part of me already knows the answer. But I’m just so scared I’ll mess this up.” Finn paused, trying to collect himself and swallow the knot in his throat.

Despite the fact that Finn was opening his heart and his mind to him, almost crying in the process, Poe couldn’t help smiling at him. “Sorry, have you met me? I’m widely known for messing things up. You couldn’t possibly beat me there!”

Finn laughed wetly, sniffing. “But you’re Poe fucking Dameron,” Finn said, like that meant something.

“And you’re Finn fucking Skywalker, already better and stronger than I could ever dream to be,” he countered quietly and squeezed Finn’s hand. “And you know I’ll keep reminding you of that!”

Finn shook his head and leaned against the wall behind him, turning so he could look at Poe, who mirrored him. A thoughtful, sweet smile was on Finn’s lips. “I don’t deserve you,” he murmured after a second.

“Yeah, you deserve better,” Poe replied automatically. And he meant it, even though Finn wouldn’t want to hear it.

He didn’t lose his soft smile as he shook his head, though. “I honestly don’t think it gets any better than this,” Finn breathed, like it was a thought, like he hadn’t meant to say it out loud, like he was scared he could jinx it.

 _Oh, it could_ , Poe thought but decided not to say for fear of breaking the moment, the spell that lay over them, creating a world that was only there for the two of them. Instead of saying anything, Poe just smiled at him, not breaking eye contact, losing himself in those warm, dark eyes that saw a world so different from Poe’s own. They saw a world in _Poe_.

He wasn’t sure if his heart was still in his chest or if it had propelled itself right out of it, maybe right into Finn’s chest where it belonged now. He couldn’t feel it, couldn’t feel his shaking hands because they were holding Finn’s, could only feel the warmth and safety that Finn emanated. Could only feel good, _right_ , like he finally was where he belonged. With Finn.

“I really like you, Poe,” Finn said at last, quietly but with no insecurities left in his eyes.

Poe swallowed, taking a moment to let that sink in. “Yeah?”

Finn nodded. “Yeah.”

Poe sighed, pretty sure he’s never been this relieved and hopeful in his life. “Good.”

“Yeah,” Finn chuckled. “Come here?” He opened his arms to invite Poe over.

“What, over there?” Poe asked, a bit of his insecurity back because they had to re-learn each other, and full-on cuddles were on that list of new things.

Finn smiled though, a blush creeping up on his cheeks. “If you want? Kinda just wanna hold you,” he murmured. “But it’s okay if not, we can just-“

“Oh, I’m so down for kinda just being held,” he laughed, awkwardly crawling out of his bean bag and onto Finn’s, climbing in his lap in a hopefully very innocent manner – though worn-out bean bags took the sexy out of everything, thankfully! He sat down, his thighs framing Finn’s, and he buried his face in his neck, for real this time.

“You smell nice,” the other boy murmured after a while, and Poe loved this. Absolutely loved the silly statements, the awkwardness, the _learning Finn and Finn learning him_ parts of this.

“You smell nice, too,” he mumbled, clenching his hands in Finn’s hoodie and closing his eyes, just holding and being held. It was so good. Amazing. Perfect. He wanted to get used to it.

“Poe?” He sounded so small again.

“Hmm?”

“I know it’s not your strong suit, but I’m gonna need you to be patient. Okay?”

He sat up and leaned back, intending to look Finn in the eyes, but Finn tightened his hold on him, his face still buried in his neck. So Poe stroked through his hair in an attempt to comfort him, nodding slowly.

“I promise. I’ll give you all the time you need. Because you know what? I’ve never had something like this before, either. So I’m gonna need you to be patient as well, okay? I’m actually scared shitless, and I know you are, too. And I can let you run away when you need to, as long as you’ll come back eventually, okay? You’re not… I mean, we can try, yeah? And talk about things. Work it out, work through it, work together. Sound good?”

Finn nodded. “Together sounds good.” He sighed. “God, I’m sorry I’m so-“

“Don’t be. You’re vulnerable. Shows me you trust me. That’s important. I don’t judge you, Finn, I promise. You should have heard all the dramatic speeches I gave Jess on Saturday about how I really liked you and how life sucks and all. You should have been there, you wouldn’t feel bad now,” he chuckled. Finn did, too.

“You’re amazing and I don’t deserve you but I’m sure not letting you go now. Sorry, you’re stuck with me now,” Finn smiled.

“Hey, that’s my line!”

“Well, we’re dating now so it’s _our_ line!”

At that, Poe paused. Dating? “Are we?” he asked, waiting for reality to come crashing, because dating was real, dating meant something, dating meant _dates_ and commitment, and-- and Finn. Finn wanted to date him! It took him a moment to realise it was not panic, but relief and ecstasy instead that were flooding him.

Finn seemed to sense that because he actually did lean back now to meet Poe’s eyes with a soft smile. “I would love to, if you’re in?”

“Hell yes!” Poe laughed. “All the way in! We’re gonna take things slow, I’m not gonna do anything you’re not ready for, I won’t start something without telling you, and I’ll take you on a date whenever you’re ready!”

It was Finn’s turn to laugh now, stroking a hand through Poe’s curls that had fallen on his forehead. “Yeah? What’s that date gonna be?” he asked, curiosity and a hint of amusement so obvious in his voice.

“Well, I’m gonna take you to a bookshop and buy you my favourite book because I haven’t seen that on your endless shelves and, frankly, that’s a crime, you nerd! I would give it to you but you’re gonna want your own copy, trust me. And then when the weather is right, I’m gonna take you somewhere and show you how to skate on my longboard for a while just to have an excuse to keep touching you. And then we will be dead on our feet and go sit in the grass and you’re gonna read me a passage of the book I bought you, and then we’ll go to my place and I’ll cook you something fancy while you get to cuddle with the best doggo in the whole world.”

Finn’s smile was threatening to split his face in half at hearing Poe’s plans. “Yeah? You thought about this a lot, haven’t you?”

“So much,” Poe nodded solemnly. “Can’t blame me, though, it’s all your fault with that whole thing you’ve got going on.” Poe made a vague gesture at basically everything that was Finn.

Finn laughed, pulling Poe in against him again. “You’re such a goof.”

“Your goof,” he nodded against Finn’s neck.

“Mine,” Finn breathed, trying out that word, a single syllable that warmed Poe’s whole existence and made every single doubt he’d ever had about this, about dating and relationships and love, vanish for a moment.

It was only him and Finn. Poe and Finn. Together.

“Can I meet your dad?” Finn asked after a while of cuddling, his fingers trailing up and down Poe’s back.

He desperately wanted to kiss him in that moment, has been wanting to do that since Friday. Possibly since he first saw him. The things Finn did to him…

“Poe?”

“Huh?”

“Can I meet your dad?” Finn asked again, sounding worried.

“Of course! Sorry, I was… distracted.” He cleared his throat. “Yeah, you can meet my dad,” he spoke into the crook of Finn’s neck, aware of Finn’s hot breath on the back of his own. “He would actually love that.”

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely. He really can’t wait to meet you. I may have not really shut up about you, like, ever.” He blushed but Finn only chuckled and hugged him tighter.

“Okay. Thank you. You’re wonderful.”

Poe shook his head slightly. “No, you are. And pretty.”

Now it was Finn’s turn to shake his head. “Nope, you’re the pretty one. Have you seen yourself? Pretty.”

It was so awkward and silly and lovely, Poe actually wasn’t sure this wasn’t a dream.

“We can share,” he said after a while, too comfortable and warm and cosy in Finn’s lap.

“Share being pretty?”

“Yeah, I get Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, you get all the other days.”

Finn laughed. “Okay. Goof.”

“Uh-huh,” Poe nodded, brushing his lips against Finn’s throat, making the other boy shiver. It hadn’t been conscious, still he felt the need to apologise because this was intimacy, this was not going slow, no matter how accidental it had been. “I’m sorry,” he said, changing position so his lips were nowhere near Finn’s warm skin where they so desperately wanted to be.

“You’re good,” Finn assured him. “Amazing. Wonderful. Thank you.”

“Thank you,” Poe replied because Finn knew how he was, knew Poe was difficult and loud and dramatic and rambling where Finn was quiet and reserved, thinking before he spoke. They were like polar opposites. And Finn’s life was not easy and there was barely any room in there for Poe, yet Finn still wanted to make more room for him, wanted to try with him, wanted to date him. And Poe was so grateful for that.

Naturally, neither of them wanted to leave the music room, but just like any bubble, theirs had to burst, too, once it was time for the third period. Before leaving, they agreed that hugging and holding hands was fair game once Finn initiated it or asked for it. Poe had assured him that Ileenium High was a safe space for LGBTQ+ kids and that Leia had a zero tolerance policy, at which Finn had smiled and taken his hand as they left the music room.

“Remember that song you sang in here, way back when?” he asked Poe as they were walking back to class.

“ _Iris_ , yeah. Why?”

Finn smiled and squeezed his hand. “It’s like that song just _knew_ before either of us did. _‘I don’t want the world to see me, I just want you to know who I am’._ Like, remember how I told you Friday that you kinda see me? Like, for real? And that I want you to? Without the armour and stuff. It’s like… Like you sang that song for me.”

Poe returned the smile and looked at their joined hands. “Maybe I did, huh?” he said, knowing full well that he had in fact sung this song just for Finn, even back then when he hardly knew him. Because secretly, and now obviously, he wanted Finn to see him, too. To know him.

“’M glad you did,” Finn murmured, tugging him closer by their joined hands.

“Yeah, me too. Thank God I didn’t sing Wonderwall, though.”

Finn laughed at that, pushing him away again. “Yeah, no, I would have turned on the spot, then!”

“So would I and any sane person, babe,” he laughed, not even noticing the pet name. Only the way Finn’s smile turned soft and how he squeezed his hand.

Later during lunch, they were walking hand in hand toward where Snap, Rey and Jess were sitting by their table already, and were greeted with a bunch of celebratory squeals. It goes without saying that neither of them spent a lot of time eating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoyed it, please let me know, it really keeps me going to know people still care about this!  
> (next up: a date?? maybe?? we will see!)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all: **I HIT SIXTY THOUSAND WORDS FOR THIS BABY!**
> 
> Seondly: Hello my lovelies!  
> I have decided that, even though this chapter is not ready yet, it is a time in which we are all in need of fluff. Especially with Election Day over in the US of A today, I think the more fluff the better, right? Any my country is in covid lockdown, so. Yeah. Fluff, please. So here we go! Part two of this chapter will take a while because I have mid-terms coming up and a lot of essays to write, also mental health is a game of Roulettes man :D  
> I have added some more cuts in this chapter because some of my readers have AD(H)D, concentration problems or just time issues, so with the shit-ton of words I unload on you with each update, I hope this makes it easier to read.
> 
> Have fun and stay safe, y'all!

It was unfair, Finn decided. Poe was right there beside him during lunch, holding his hand under the table. He was around sometimes during class, and sometimes even after school the days they could walk half the way home together. But aside from that, they didn’t see each other much. Definitely not as much as he’d like to, and if the exceptionally cute pouts and whines were anything to go by, Poe thought the same. 

They were walking home together after school on a Wednesday in early October, and they had just reached the park from where they’d have to go their separate ways. “Please, can you come walk Bee with me,” Poe was asked once again, begged, grabbing both of his hands and giving him that damn puppy-eye look Finn had yet to be strong enough to resist. 

“I would love to,” he reassured him again, feeling pained at having to say no to Poe. “I really would. But I have three essays left to write, one stupid group work that I can totally see me doing all by myself in the end, and Rey wants me to help her in calc, I think.” 

“Stupid gays too dumb for maths, I feel that,” Poe nodded, then sighed. “It’s not even midterms yet,” he grumbled, looking down at their hands. “I hate being a senior.” 

“You don’t even do shit,” Finn laughed and pulled him in by their joined hands, wrapping Poe’s arms around his middle and then holding him close. It was cold today and Poe was only wearing a well-worn brown leather jacket over his thin white shirt, and Finn felt the urge to give him a warm hug. Poe pulled back slightly, slithered his arms beneath Finn’s open jacket so he could be even warmer, and purred in satisfaction. The _things_ that did to Finn could be examined later. He had the suspicion that Poe was only wearing thin clothing so he had an excuse to cuddle up to Finn whenever he got the chance to. 

He smelled so nice where he was tucked under Finn’s nose, and Finn had to close his eyes and smile because he still couldn’t believe he got to do that. Nothing in his life changed, nothing big, he was still himself. But he got to do this now, and it was all still so new, so wonderful, he wanted to cherish it. 

“True,” Poe nodded against him, trying to bury deeper into Finn like he was a cat and Finn a warm spot in winter that couldn’t be left cat-less. “But you do. And that means less Finn for me.” Then all of a sudden Poe took a step back and looked sheepish, almost worried. “Sorry,” he folded his hands before him as though to keep himself from reaching out, undeterred by the frown forming on Finn’s forehead. “Don’t wanna be so clingy, we wanted to do this slowly.” 

Finn smiled and reached his hands out to tug him back in. For someone who acted like the coolest kid in town, Poe really was worried about a lot of things, huh? “Hey, it’s okay that you’re clingy. Shows me you still like me.” He could feel Poe huff and rolling his eyes against his neck, but Finn continued with a grin. “Also, it’s cute. And I don’t feel pressured yet, okay?” 

“Promise?” 

Finn nodded, feeling the urge to press a kiss against the side of Poe’s head. He didn’t, though. He wasn’t ready for that yet. 

“Promise.”

“Okay,” Poe said and continued to bury his face in Finn’s neck. Somewhere in the back of his head a vicious little voice made him hyper aware of the fact that someone could see them, someone could see Finn with a pretty boy in his arms and tell Luke, and Luke would ask him if he had a boyfriend, if he was gay, if he had been lying. Luke would get mad and not talk to him, or even throw him out, saying he didn’t want a queer adoptive son, and Rey right along with him because Rey had Jess, and then they would be alone again, and--

No, they wouldn’t. Because they had Poe and they had Jess and Snap and he could have somewhere to sleep. 

It hit him then, right in the face, that he wasn’t alone anymore. Not really. Even without Luke, even without Rey, Finn wasn’t alone in the world anymore. Somehow over the past six or so weeks, his whole life had changed for the better, done a complete 180 and now here he was, with Poe in his arms, getting to breathe him in like nobody else in the world. He was still Finn but somehow, that meant so much more now than it ever used to - to both himself and the world. Overwhelmed and shaken, Finn couldn’t help but laugh. 

“What’s funny?” Poe asked and leaned back in his arms so he could look at him properly. 

“Nothing,” Finn deflected, but his voice was wavering because what was he supposed to do with the information that he wasn’t alone anymore? That the lines of him and the world had blurred, that there was no clean cut there anymore? That he got to be part of it now, here, in this town with these friends he’d made? He couldn’t possibly explain that to Poe. Or to anyone for that matter. 

But he didn’t like the frown between Poe’s brows, the barely concealed insecurity that came with it, so he did have to say something after all. “I’m just.” He breathed out, searching for the words. Then he remembered who this person was he was talking to here. It was Poe. Fat chance he would understand even if Finn didn’t. “I’m not alone anymore,” he said lamely. 

Just like he predicted, Poe’s features turned incredibly soft with the shadow of a smile and he nodded. “No, you’re not,” he breathed, squeezing Finn’s hands and pulling one of them up until they almost touched his lips and Finn could feel Poe’s warm breath on them. 

His heart skipped a beat when Poe made eye-contact with him, a hesitant, questioning look somewhere in those soft eyes, and Finn smiled down at him, hoping to convey the warmth he felt. Poe smiled back at him before closing the distance and pressing one single soft kiss to the back of Finn’s hand. 

That, he decided, was his new favourite thing now. Hand-kissing. Right up there next to cuddling. Poe could keep doing that whenever he wanted. Why was it so soft? Why was the whole world so tingly and soft and warm when Poe was in it? Wasn’t it supposed to come crashing, wasn’t he supposed to have an intense crush and to rush right in and for everything to be passionate until it burnt out? Wasn’t that how it went? What everyone told him, what the media showed him? 

Was it allowed to be slow and hesiant and so incredibly fucking soft all the time? Was he allowed to smile at Poe instead of kissing him? 

“Too much?” Poe asked, lowering Finn’s hand but not his gaze, those dark brown eyes open and honest. 

Finn shook his head and took a deep, shaking breath. But it was. It really kind of was too much because his head was spiralling again into fuzziness. In a good way, spinning with thoughts of Poe, but still spinning in the end. He would really appreciate a single thought, a quiet one, to not be overwhelmed in any way. 

“Yes it was,” Poe amended, in no way an accusation but rather allowing Finn to see his own truth and to see that the world didn’t have to change despite it. 

“I liked that, though,” Finn murmured and laced their fingers together. 

Poe smiled again - had he ever stopped? “Good. But before I do that again, you gotta do it. That way I know you’re ready. Okay?” Finn felt bad for taking the wind out of Poe’s wings, and out of his own right along with it. But Poe just shook his head and that soft expression was still there as he stepped in for a hug again, because hugs were always fair game, hugs were familiar, hugs were warm and good and he could close his eyes against the world and just breathe. 

He nodded then and said, “Okay.” Still feeling like he didn’t deserve this, like Poe deserved better than him, someone he could kiss any way he wanted, someone who understood why Poe liked him, someone who- 

“You’re the coolest, kindest, sweetest, smartest, calmest boy I know. I know it’s different inside your head than outside of it but you’re. Just the _best_. And I have proof for that, so don’t even doubt me!” Poe chuckled, running his hands up and down Finn’s back. It tingled in the best way possible and Finn didn’t want him to stop. “I don’t mind enjoying that for a while longer before you get tired of me. So stop worrying, I’ll take all the Finn I can get.” 

“Even if you still have to wait until the weekend until I can take you on that date?” Finn asked, relieved about the offer to change the topic, and absolutely amazed at everything that was Poe. 

“Even so,” Poe nodded. “And also, fake news, because _I’m_ taking _you_!” He pointed a finger at Finn’s chest with a playful smile on his lips. 

“Okay, but then I’m taking you on the next one,” Finn threatened. 

“If you still want a next one after the first one, sure!” Poe laughed. 

And there it was again. That insecurity on Poe’s part, covered by an almost genuine laugh like it was never even there. _Before you get tired of me_ , he’d said. _If you still want a next one_. For some reason, Poe was just as insecure as Finn was. This was just as new to Poe, just as intense and scary and wild and unknown, and it should make things more complicated. He should feel bad about it, like they were doomed to fail. But it actually made Finn feel like Poe understood him, like he could remain patient because secretly, Poe needed for things to go just as slowly as Finn did. It was… overwhelming how absurdly good it felt. 

“I don’t think I can get tired of you,” Finn told him as he pulled him against his chest one last time before they had to part ways and go home. “Not really. Because I really fucking like you, Poe.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” 

There was no further response, but Poe’s arms under his jacket tightened around him, and the hug seemed to last forever - but still not long enough for FInn’s taste. 

They had to separate eventually, with Finn still feeling bad that he had no time he could be spending with Poe until Saturday, even though Poe was reassuring him that, really, it was fine. “What’s another three days? Weather’s gonna be better on Saturday anyway,” he said, frowning up at the thick clouds hanging low above them. And thus it was settled. Saturday would be their first real date.  
  


* * *

  


The rest of the week really went by much slower than Finn would have liked. He found himself distracted thinking about Saturday, and more often than not he found scribbles and doodles of Poe’s name in the margins of his notes. That never failed to make him smile. Poe seemed to fare the same way because every day for the rest of the week there was another folded figurine on his desk. Some X-Wings, made from what seemed like Poe’s literature notes just to piss off Holdo, other aircraft-like things Poe explained during lunch were A-Wings or Y-Wings his mother had showed him how to make. Finn wanted to ask, but that proud little smile on Poe’s lips would have turned sad, and it really wasn’t the time. 

So he just placed them in the little box he kept in his locker for exactly these things and brought them home where they found a place on his desk, on his bookshelves and on his nightstand. Every time Rey came into his room and spotted a new one, she snapped a picture of it and sent it to Poe, asking for one as well. She had a collection of her own already and every time she got a new one, she would be so happy and all but jump Poe right on the spot. Finn could relate. 

“We don’t deserve that boy and his cute little paper planes,” Rey said one night, lying next to Finn on her bedroom floor, holding one of her newly acquired yellow Y-Wing above them and inspecting it with a smile. 

“He’s amazing, isn’t he?” Finn nodded. 

“Very. Also I’m so happy you’re finally dating!” she squealed for the tenth time that week, and Finn had to shush her, afraid that Luke might hear and ask questions. 

Still, he couldn’t help but grin because honestly, same. “Still can’t believe it.” 

Rey turned her head to look at him. “I can. You’re both amazing and so cute together, not dating would probably violate some law of nature or something. Honestly, you two could be so good!” 

Finn didn’t know what to do with that statement, but he found himself willing to agree. They really could be good, huh? Well, they were good already, it _felt_ good, at least to him. “Hopefully Poe feels the same,” he mumbled. 

“Are you kidding me? Have you seen the way that boy looks at you? You must have, because you keep staring at each other! Everyone sees it, and it’s so good that apparently, the both of you do, too.” 

Finn laughed at that and stole the little yellow figurine from her just to be an ass. Rey protested but made no move to get it back, lest they destroy the fragile little thing. 

“It’s so weird, though, to have one person like you more than everyone else, even though you’re still the same person. You know? Like. I’m still Finn, the same Finn I am to everyone else. But he just… sees something there. To him, that means something.” He sighs and gives Rey back her Y-Wing. “I can’t explain it, sorry. But. Do you ever get used to it? To one person seeing something in you that others don’t?” 

“I hope not,” Rey shrugged. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Well, I don’t want to get used to feeling special to Jess. And I don’t want Jess to get used to thinking I’m special. But it will happen, I think. And until then I’ll just hope that it’s not _me_ that is special to her, but rather this thing we have, you know? That it’s _us_ that is special. Because I think that is more powerful anyway.” 

Finn looked at her, speechless, surprised, because Rey has never been so… poetic, for the lack of a better word. Neither of them used to think about the future for most of their lives. They never had one, let alone perspective or hope. But now they had not only a stable present but also a potential future? An optimistic one? A special one? It was something Finn had yet to get used to, but apparently Rey had adapted faster than he thought. He really should lose the habit of underestimating his sister. 

“What?” Rey chuckled when Finn had stared at her for a moment too long without saying something, surprise probably clear on his face. 

“Lesbianism changed you,” he said. 

Clearly not having expected that, Rey burst out into laughter so genuine and hearty, Finn couldn’t help but join her. Everything was good in that moment and they lay on the floor, laughing like they could keep it that way. 

Their laughter was so infectuous, it even drew Luke upstairs to check on them, and then the three of them ended up sitting on Rey’s floor and talking about their days. It was the perfect time. Luke was in a good mood, Finn and Rey still felt light from laughing, the fairy lights in strapped to Rey’s bed made for the perfect atmosphere, and it really would be nothing to come out and say it. Literally come out. _Hi Luke, by the way I have a date on Saturday and it’s with a boy and I really kinda love him already, but also I think I still like girls, but how would I know because I like Poe, there’s no room for girls in there. Are they aesthetically pleasing or could I still like kissing them? I don’t know because I just wanna kiss Poe, but also not because I’m not ready. Hi Luke. I’m Finn and I don’t know my sexuality and that really confuses me, I don’t know if I’m bisexual or Poe-sexual and see that’s funny on a phonetic level, please don’t be mad._

Yeah, okay, no. It wouldn’t be easy. It wasn’t easy. He couldn’t do it. 

“Finn, you okay?” Luke asked, concerned rather than amused, and that was the final straw. Finn couln’t come out today. Or ever. Possibly ever. It would ruin everything. “Finn?” 

“Yeah,” Finn said and tried to muster up a smile, feeling a dead weight in his chest that lowered the whole mood. “Just remembered I still have that essay and it’s a pain in the ass. Sorry. Other than that, I’m fine.” 

“Oh, yeah, essays suck,” Luke sympathised and got up to stand. “I’ll go make dinner, maybe once you’ve eaten you’ll have the energy to go work on it again. But don’t stress yourself, school is not worth losing sleep over. Half-ass it if you must,” he winked. And wow, Poe and Luke would get along so well in that respect, it almost hurt him to not come out and say it, because then Luke would ask questions about Poe and then that would lead to a whole other spiral. 

“Excuse me, have you met Finn?” Rey chimed in from beside him. “He doesn’t half-ass literally anything, the boy’s a genius and we should say it!” 

“True,” Luke nodded. “But even Finn the genius deserves some rest, and Finn’s half-assery would still be better than whatever I could come up with, so.” He shrugged, grinning at Finn. “You got this, I’m sure.” 

_Okay, but would you still say this if you know I’m in love with a boy?_ Oh yay, it was Annoying Thoughts Hour, apparently. He tried his best to shut them down, to not start crying from how much they actually hurt, from how unstable this presence of theirs actually was. He tried his best to grin back at Luke and promise that he wouldn’t overdo it. 

“Need help preparing dinner?” Rey asked, moving to get up. 

“No, you kids stay here, it’s just pasta with lame tomato sauce because we all had a long day and it’s still valid food, especially when you add a pound of cheese.” 

“Two pounds,” Rey corrected. 

“Each,” Finn added, and that was that. The mood lifted, the gloom forgotten as they all moved downstairs. 

Rey and Finn relaxed on the couch for a while, fighting for the limited space and ending up with Rey lying on top of Finn just to be annoying. He would be bothered by it but in that moment it felt so good to be bickering, to just be normal siblings, to have her close to him, to have her weight grounding him, that he ended up hugging her even closer to him.  
  


* * *

  


Finally, after a lot of late-night messages and phone calls, Saturday came around! True to Poe’s word, it was a lovely morning. The sun was out, only a few fluffy white clouds spotting the blue sky, and his weather app promised this kind of weather for the rest of the weekend. 

Great. Morning. Now he only needed to wait three hours until Poe would meet him in the park and take him to the bookstore and wherever else he’d planned. Finn had some idea but he couldn’t be sure since Poe wanted some element of surprise. But he was pretty sure that a book, skating and cuddling with Bee-Bee were involved there. Honestly he didn’t even need more than that. 

What he needed, however, was something to wear! And right now he was staring at the contents of his closet, finding it lacking in every possible way. 

“Rey!” he called, knew she was awake already because they were both morning people. 

A minute later his door opened and an unimpressed Rey leaned against the frame. “Your majesty called?” 

“What?” 

“Exactly. Apparently I have to come and go at your will now,” she rolled her eyes but thankfully entered the room and closed the door behind herself. 

“Sorry,” Finn conceded. He knew Rey hated when someone called her with the expectation that she would come running, instead of just coming to get her. “I’m just a bit stressed.” 

“It’s okay,” she reassured him with a smile and came to sit next to him on the bed. “Stressed? Because of your date?”

He nodded. “Don’t know what to wear.” 

“Hmm, valid,” she hummed next to him. “It’s warm out, though, right? For October. And it’s not said to rain today, so that makes for better options.” 

“Right,” Finn nodded, relieved that with her in the room, there were at least some braincells at work. “Okay, so something light? A sweater?”

“Button-up and sweater combo? And maybe a light jacket for tonight?”

“Hmm, I don’t know. I think he’s gonna teach me how to skate?” 

Rey gasped in mock offense. “Skating! What’s next, alcohol? Drugs? Tattoos?”

“Calm down, Karen,” Finn laughed. “I’m serious.” 

“Skating is gay now,” Rey declared. “But okay, no sweater-button-up combo. How often do you think you’re gonna fall?” 

“Well, preferably I could just cling to Poe instead of falling on my ass.” 

Rey contemplated that with a serious expression. “And knowing Poe, he’s gonna make you wear protective gear anyway, right? So you could technically still go for that sweater combo and then use that as an excuse for clinging to him even more than you already will.”

Huh, that actually sounded like a solid plan. Rey took his silence as the confirmation it was and set to looking for the right things. In the end she provided him with a black long-sleeved button-up shirt with grey floral prints, and a soft maroon sweater that would very comfortably fit the shirt’s collar “Wear that with your black jeans and grey Vans and that boy will propose on the spot,” she grinned. 

Finn laughed and wrapped her in a tight hug. “Thanks, Peanut,” he said and pressed a kiss to her cheek. 

“Anytime,” she told him. “Now, breakfast?” 

“Absolutely!” Date preparation was exhausting. 

Astonishingly, the next three two hours passed pretty quickly between taking a shower, getting ribbed by Rey for being excited, and texting with Poe who was just as excited and didn’t bother hiding it. 

“Oh, you look nice,” Luke commented when Finn came down the stairs to go get ready to leave. 

He froze, because what was he gonna say to that? _Yes, I have a date now, bye!_

“Yes, babe, treat yourself to some nice outfits!” Rey called from beside Luke on the living room couch, and Luke laughed. 

“I suppose that’s true. You do look nice! Got plans?” 

“Yeah,” Finn said, walking down the rest of the stairs, eternally grateful for Rey’s offering of a way out of this. “Gonna meet with some exceptionally good-looking people, thought I’d show them how nice a Skywalker can clean up, too!” 

Luke laughed again and Finn felt himself relaxing. He didn’t know why he kept expecting Luke to flip, to tell him no, to doubt him, to accuse him of lying, to be angry or disappointed. Well, okay, he knew exactly why, but he felt guilty because Luke had never even given him reason to believe that. He needed to chill and believe that life could be good sometimes. 

“Well, mission accomplished I would say.” 

And that was that. Finn pulled on his shoes and his black denim jacket, taking a moment to feel anxious about his dark clothes that will likely be a contrast to whatever hideous colours Poe was going to wear and make them look good anyway. But maroon was colourful. And his button-up had a floral print, so Go Finn, right? 

“Go Finn!” Rey called, and Finn just really loved her in that moment. 

“Yes, go Finn,” Luke chimed in. Finn called his goodbyes from the door, promising he would text when he’d be back, but right before he could let the door shut quietly behind him, Luke called, “And say hi to Poe for me, okay?” 

The door was closed and Finn froze, panicking for a moment before the cool October breeze could hit his face and calm him down. They would talk about this later. Much later. Maybe. First, date time!

  


* * *

  


As soon as Finn reached the park, he spotted Poe. He wasn’t hard to miss, really, with that bright orange sweater and yellow Chucks he was wearing, the smile on his face brighter than all of that, though, the moment he saw Finn. They all but ran toward each other with wide grins and racing hearts. 

“Hi,” Poe said, coming to a stop before Finn. 

“Hi,” Finn replied, moving in for a hug that proved the magnetic pull Poe had on him. The orange sweater and yellow shoes were hideous but also very cute, and Poe could wear anything, and Finn was in love. 

“You look so good,” Poe said when they separated again. 

Finn was breathless. How could Poe be so beautiful? So wonderful, so different from himself, so energetic, so radiant, so alive, so absolutely fucking pretty! “So do you!” was all he got out. It was enough, because Poe moved in for another hug, a short one, but lovely nonetheless. If this was how today was going to go, then it would be nothing short of perfect. Like Poe. Okay, gushy mode was activated, what a shocker. He tried to keep it down.

“Ready to go?” Poe asked. 

“Sure. Where are we going?” 

“Well, bookstore first. A tiny one. The best one. You’ll love it!” 

Finn grinned because Poe was probably right, yeah. “Let’s go then, lead the way.” 

They walked side by side at first, a tense, awkward silence building between them and Finn was acutely aware again that this was his first date ever and he had no idea how these worked. He wasn’t even sure if he could take Poe’s hand, but he knew he wanted to. Beside him, Poe kept biting his lip, which told Finn that something was on his mind. 

“Is it, um,” he cleared his throat and Poe looked at him. “Is it okay if I take your hand? It’s cool if not, but-” he was abruptly interrupted by Poe slipping his fingers in between his. 

“Sorry,” the other boy laughed sheepishly. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted to, tried to remember if we had set the grounds for that already. I have a shit memory,” he laughed again, embarrassed. He was rambling and Finn found it entirely too cute. “Haven’t been on a real date in probably ever, and I have no idea what I’m doing at literally all times, and-” 

“It’s fine, Poe,” Finn smiled and tugged him in by his hand, pulling him that bit closer and reassuring him. “We’ll figure this out and make our own rules, okay?” 

“Yeah, okay,” he grinned and just like that, the insecure look around his eyes disappeared and he seemed at ease again. Poe was like that sometimes, Finn had observed. Went through a ton of emotions in a short time and it was hard to keep up sometimes. But they managed. He was so glad they had gone into this whole thing with clear and functioning communication because it made things like this so much easier. 

And along with the insecurity and awkwardness was the silence between them, so they spent the rest of their walk making easy conversation about Bee-Bee, Rey, Jess, everything. At some point, Finn remembered that, “Luke says hi, by the way.” 

Poe frowned next to him. “Does he know?” 

“Know what?” Finn tried not to panic. 

“About us. This. The date.” 

“Nope. At least not from me. I don’t think he does. Does your dad?” 

Poe nodded, a blush creeping high on his cheeks, a deeper shade than the flush that came from the cool air. “Yeah. Figured it out pretty quickly, my paps. He also knows I’m gay, so that makes things easier.” Finn didn’t know what to say to that, was scared of how Poe would react to whatever he could be saying, so he chose to say nothing until he could think of something. “Is that okay?” Poe asked after a minute. 

“That your paps knows about us?” Poe nodded. “Yeah! It’s nice that you told him. And nice that you can tell him these things.” 

There must have been something wistful in his voice because Poe squeezed his hand. “It’s okay to be scared of coming out. I only did it a few weeks back and knew I was gay for years. Possibly forever. I once proposed to Snap in like primary school or something,” he laughed. “Paps said that what he’d thought back then was that I had a lot of love to give and that he wouldn’t care whom I’d share it with as long as I’m happy. Or some sentimental shit like that,” he chuckled. 

Finn longed for something like that, hoped that it would be easy like that with Luke too. He sighed. “I don’t even know what to come out _as_ , though,” he said finally. It felt good to say it out loud, to play with open cards because that was only fair to Poe. 

“Hey, that’s okay,” Poe reassured him. “You’ll figure it out, I know you will. You have time. It’ll be okay, Finn.” And the smile on his face, the soft but earnest expression, the way he held his hand… He really meant it. Poe wouldn’t run screaming, accusing Finn of not knowing what he wants. He was perfect. So perfect for Finn, it was unbelievable. 

“I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it,” Finn decided at last, not ready to be all sentimental already, thirty minutes into their date. 

Poe grinned and nodded next to him. “I’ll be there whenever you need me, I promise.”

And Finn believed him. 

As soon as they reached the bookstore and Poe held the door open for him, Finn was in full nerd mode. It certainly didn’t help that Poe told him, “Knock yourself out, Finn, we got all day.”

So that’s what he did. He wandered the limited but absolutely stacked yet organised aisles, went to a couch with an armful of books and then went back again to find some more. There were three piles next to him as he read the blurbs and checked for reviews and ratings on Goodreads to see if they were worth reading or not. 

Poe, on the other hand, walked over to the owner who gave him a book and made small talk, then went to the section with the weird fan merch and other items that had no business being in a serious bookstore, but were fun anyway. He watched him for a while before returning to his books. 

“Hey Finn, look!” Poe called from across the store after a while, delighted as he held up a plushie that looked like a very deformed Bee-Bee with huge eyes if you squinted from a distance. “I love it! It’s hideous!” he laughed and then turned around again to look at all the other plushies and weird merchandise he was so obviously enamoured with. Pretty early on, Finn has discovered that sometimes, Poe seemed to love things just because a normal person couldn’t possibly love it. Out of spite, so to say. Spite seemed to be one of the main motivators in Poe Dameron’s whole existence, and so far, Finn found it couldn’t get boring like that.

Finn also found Poe so much more interesting than the pile of books that lay before him to see if he wanted to add them to his “to read” pile, or if they were trashy straight white people fiction. Which, granted, most of them were.

But the way the soft orange sweater hugged Poe’s shoulders. The fact that he wore an orange sweater in the first place. That boy was wild. And wonderful. And Finn forgot about the books as he stood and stared with a smile that was starting to make his cheeks hurt.

“Finn!” Poe exclaimed again and then turned around, but then stopped, a confused but soft expression on his face. “What?” He spun around to see if something or someone was behind him, then he looked back at Finn, a question clear in his eyes. “ _What_?” he repeated, chuckling.

“Nothing,” Finn said, unable to keep his smile from getting bigger like it always did around Poe.

Poe cocked his eyebrow and came towards him, that hideous plushie still in his hands – his terribly soft hands, as Finn knew now. Doggo in his hands, mischief in his eyes. “What, you see something you like?”

He was trying to be smooth. Two could play that game. “Yeah,” Finn said slowly and took a step forward. “I just find I really love that plushie doggo,” he said dead-pan, and Poe burst out into laughter.

“I know right? It’s horrible, I need it!”

Finn made grabby hands at it. “Gimme.”

Trying to be smooth again, Poe slipped his hand in his with a smug expression. “Your wish is my command.”

With a grin, Finn laced their fingers but held out his other hand with an eye-roll. “Gimme!”

“Babe, if you say gimme one more time, I’ll go full ABBA on you. And then I can’t buy you the book because we’re gonna be thrown out,” he ended on a pout.

It was tempting. So tempting to see what would happen if he said it again. Like maybe if you said “Gimme” three times, at midnight in front of the mirror… maybe a wild Poe would appear? Or possibly just any gay. Or and old person. Huh. Preferably Poe though.

“You okay?” Poe laughed.

Finn shook his head and coughed. “Yeah, yeah, just. Tempting.”

“Eh. The spell is broken now, I’ll go ABBA on you some other time.”

Finn cocked an eyebrow. “Is that a threat?”

Poe winked. “It’s a promise.”

Finn felt the blood rise to his cheeks, the flush hot on his face but thankfully not visible. The glint in Poe’s eyes told him that he knew fully well the effect he had on Finn, though. Good. Poe should know because Finn was bad with words sometimes and it was good that Poe knew. One day Finn would get used to telling him, hopefully. Without having to work up the courage to say things for a full ten minutes. Maybe someday he would only need, like, seven.

“You got everything? Or do you need a minute being all cute and nerdy over there, deciding on which books to read?” Poe grinned, though his question sounded sincere. He would absolutely wait if Finn said he needed another minute. 

Finn shook his head, though. “I’m good if you give me that hideous dog.” 

Poe regarded him, squinting as though he was trying to figure him out. That and the tiny smile on his lips made Finn’s heart jump. Again. Man, if he spent more time around Poe, he was prone to getting a serious cardiac condition. 

“Why?” he asked after a beat. 

“Just gimme that. Please?” Now it was Finn’s turn to have a go at the puppy-eyes, and judging from Poe’s sigh and the way he almost visibly melted right there on the spot, he thought it was a success. 

“Okay,” he grumbled, giving Finn the plushie dog he was holding with just a little resistance. Honestly, who gave that boy the right to be so cute all the time? It was unfair! 

“Thanks. _Now_ we are ready.” 

Poe stared at him for a moment longer, confusion clear in his eyes, before- “No!” 

“Yes,” Finn grinned and took Poe’s hand, tugging him toward the cashier so they could pay. 

“No!” Poe laughed but came along easily. “You’re not buying me that.” 

“Yes I am, since you’re demanding to buy me a whole-ass book.” 

“Well, I can’t possibly buy you a half-ass book. And also this one right here is anything but half-assed! It’s a masterpiece and you’re gonna love the hell out of it.” 

For the first time, Finn finally got to read the title. _Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe._ Huh. That’s been on his wish list for a long time. And apparently it was Poe’s favourite book, so win-win! 

“Great,” Finn said and tugged Poe closer to himself. “And you already love this hideous doggo and then we’re even. Also this screams your name already. Can’t you hear it?” He held it up to Poe’s face. “ _Poooe_ ,” he squeeked, desperately trying not to laugh, but failing completely when Poe guffawed. “ _Poe, let him buy me. I want to be yours, Poe. I can be a good plushie!”_

“Dios mío, okay, Finn. Jesus!” he laughed, clutching Finn, using him to keep his balance and moving closer in the process until Finn was very aware of both their bodies, Poe almost in his arms. He could get used to this. Really, really wanted to get used to this. 

In the end, Poe did let him buy the hideous orange plushie dog with its abysmally huge eyes, and once they were outside he tackled him into a hug. “Thank you,” he murmured, standing on his tiptoes which Finn couldn’t really handle as he hugged him right back. Being wrapped up in Poe, his smell and his soft orange sweater… this must be the peak of his existence. This must be why people wrote poetry. Fuck, it was perfect. 

“You’re welcome,” Finn whispered, acutely aware of how easy it would be to just kiss Poe’s cheek, it was right there, he would only need to turn his head just so, and-- 

Poe stepped back and hugged the doggo to his chest before carefully putting it in his backpack. Then he looked at Finn and held out his hand with a question in his eyes. They were in public and anyone could see them, but Finn found he couldn’t really care about it. Or rather, he couldn’t let that ruin his good mood, so he took Poe’s hand with a smile and revelled a bit in the warm expression Poe tried to hide in vain. 

As they walked down the street, Finn was struck by a thought that made him snort and shake his head. Poe looked at him from the corner of his eye, giving a suspicious look and tugging on their hands. “What?” he asked, apprehensive but amused. 

“Nothing,” Finn chuckled and shook his head again. “Just. The plushie. This whole scene in there. Sometimes I feel like you’re some quirky protagonist in a weird YA novel, man. How are you even real?”

Poe gaped at him and stopped. “Sorry, _I’m_ the protagonist? Babe, you should have seen yourself and the three piles of, like, twelve books each you had beside you just now, checking for reviews and saving them in your app or something for almost an hour,” he laughed. “You have a whole shelf for your unread books and you literally always carry a book everywhere you go! You do your schoolwork and don’t even complain about it too much. You have the whole sad, dramatic backstory and a weird but absolutely amazing, lovely sister. And you’re hot. Literally all that’s missing is you being a white girl!” Poe threw his arms in the air, gesturing dramatically in a very adorable way. “You’re absolutely the protagonist,” he concluded. “You’re… You’re Rory Gilmore, and I’m your Jess Mariano.”

“Rory has no dramatic backstory,” Finn noted. 

“You know what I mean.”

Finn laughed at that and threw an arm around Poe’s neck. “Yeah right. You just have a crush on Jess Mariano, admit it.”

“Okay, yeah,” Poe shrugged. “But who doesn’t? Even Jess loves him. Pava, I mean. We’re all team Jess Mariano in this town.” 

“Eh, I think I’m more team Poe Dameron,” Finn said, heart beating in his throat because oh shit, he was flirting! Again. Just like that. And the way Poe’s expression turned indescribably soft was absolutely worth it. He stared at Finn, lost for words, like he couldn’t handle Finn being cute. It made the smile on Finn’s lips so wide it almost hurt. 

Then Poe pouted and moved in for another hug, wrapping his arms around Finn’s middle and burying his face in the crook of his neck. “You’re being cute, it’s unfair,” he mumbled. 

“Why unfair?” Finn chuckled, pulling Poe impossibly closer. 

“Too gay, can’t deal.” 

And Finn didn’t know what to do. He wanted to kiss Poe, to wrap himself up in him, to cry from how wonderful this date was so far, to laugh hysterically from pure joy, to breathe again because he was sure he had stopped functioning just then. Poe was so sweet and cute and wonderful, tender, funny, a wild card but also so predictable in the sense that Poe’s whole world seemed to revolve around Finn in that moment. And that thought would scare him shitless, would make him run away and never come back, if it weren’t for the fact that right now, Finn’s world revolved around Poe a bit, too. And he felt so incredibly warm and safe that crying from sheer happiness really felt like the option he would end up with. 

So he rested his head on top of Poe’s curls, wild from the chilly autumn breeze going around them, and let them just exist in this moment together. Pause reality for just a moment and replace it with an armful of joy, allowing himself to bask in it for a bit.

“You’re very cuddly today,” Finn noted when they had separated and started walking again. 

“Hey, I’m always cuddly,” Poe protested. “And also, you’re very cuddle-worthy, so it’s all your fault basically.” 

Finn chuckled at that and shook his head. “Yeah, I figured as much.” 

“Figured what?” 

“That it’s my fault,” Finn explained with a grin. 

“Well, yeah?” Poe said, squinting at him. “I mean, how could you not want to be close to all of this,” he said, gesturing vaguely at Finn. 

And what could he possibly say to that? Nothing, that’s what! So Finn rolled his eyes, shook his head, and tugged Poe closer by his hand as they resumed walking, hoping that the blush on his cheeks was not visibly to Poe. It was still such a wild concept to be regarded as attractive by the prettiest boy alive with the most wonderful curls and the brightest smile. Someone must have put something in Poe’s drink the day they met, he was sure of that! And same for Finn because the way he felt, there was no way this was normal. 

But Finn didn’t want to go down that road again, so he grasped for anything he could possibly say. “Okay, what’s next?” he asked in a lame attempt to change the topic away from himself. 

Poe turned bright, sparkling eyes to him and exclaimed, “Skating!” 

“Oh God,” Finn laughed but couldn’t hide his excitement underneath the scepticism. 

“Yes, and it’s gonna be amazing!” Poe grinned. “And then you’ll read me some of _Ari and Dante_ , and then we’ll go home and make dinner and enjoy the rest of the night. Sound good?” 

Finn nodded, picturing it. It was exactly like what they had talked about, and it was going to be so, so good. “Sounds perfect,” he smiled, and Poe smiled back for a second before the manic energy returned and he tugged Finn along. 

“Let’s _go_!” 

And who was Finn to deny him anything? So off they went, hand in hand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let it be said that bisexual (as well as poly and pan) people are absolutely valid and yes, Finn will be coming out to Luke, he will be supported and I do not intend on dragging his sexuality.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. If you did, please let me know so I can have some of the happy hormones, too! <3 
> 
> *clears throat*  
>  **I KEEP FORGETTING TO TELL YOU!!! THERE IS ART!!**  
>   
>  by the amazing tumblr user [@frikipilot!](https://frikipilot25.tumblr.com)
> 
> Also, on a sentimental note because I shall never shut up:   
> **It's okay if all you did today or this week or this month or even this year is stay alive. It's okay if all you do is things that keep you alive. It's okay to be safe first and productive second. You are loved and you are valid and you are doing so great, I love you. Keep being alive, please <3**


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Date, part 2/3, because apparently that's my life now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well well well, here we go again. You know, after eight and a half months of this fic, we might as well embrace the chaos that is its writer.  
> I can't tell you how many panic attacks and meltdowns I've had regarding the length of this chapter, because what you're getting here is just half of it and yes, I actually split a single day up into 2.5 chapters. Chaos. CHAOS I TELL YOU! 
> 
> I hope you like this, I feel a bit weird about it, especially since what's now part 3/3 has all the cutes. But I have been told that it's better if I split it and I don't want to overwhelm you. 
> 
> **Disclaimer:**  
>  The quoted passages from _Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe_ by Benjamin Alire Sáenz, published in 2012, do not belong to me in any way. They are marked in italics and everything about them belongs to the incredible Mr Sáenz.

After briefly dropping by at Poe’s where they grabbed the boards and the backpack waiting by the door, they walked a few blocks until they had reached what Poe called the perfect skating location. It was a small boulevard for pedestrians only, framed with trees and a few benches. There was one elderly couple enjoying the sun on the far end, but other than that there was nobody else around. Poe walked straight to one of the benches that wasn’t in the shade, and then they got ready. 

“Have you ever been on a skateboard before?” Poe asked him once Finn had put on the protective gear and secured the helmet under his chin.

“Nope,” he told him, eyeing the hideously colourful boards with apprehension.

“That’s cool,” Poe reassured him and let the boards drop carefully. “See the differences between them?”

Finn nodded, biting back on a snippy comment because even a blind person would be able to spot the differences between the shorter and the longer board. That probably wasn’t the whole of it, though, so he waited for clarification. 

“This is a longboard,” Poe explained and gently kicked the board to Finn. It rolled smoothly and seemed wide enough for Finn’s big feet, which was reassuring. It looked a lot more stable than the slightly ratty one Poe was left with, and Finn hoped that he would get to try this one first. “Generally, that one’s made for long and easy rides rather than for tricks and showing off.” Poe grinned at the end and winked at him. “All the showing off will happen on my part, so get ready.”

Finn laughed and shoved him slightly. “You don’t even have to do anything to show off, you can just stand there and-“ Finn caught himself before he could say any more, but Poe’s broad smile showed him the other boy knew exactly what he was on about.

“Aww, Finn, careful. I’ll grow an ego.”

“Another?” Finn teased, and earned a shove in return. He grabbed Poe’s hands before he could retreat and kept him there, laughing, pushing and pulling gently for a minute or so before Poe poked him in the side and called for his attention.

“Or we will never get to the real deal here,” he said and waved a finger in Finn’s face to reprimand him. But all it did was remind Finn of how cute that boy was.

He stuffed his hands into his pocket and smiled at Poe, signalling that he was willing to pay attention now.

“Better.” Poe squinted at him for a moment before he continued with the lesson. “So. This one is more sturdy, goes smoother, is generally nice for just skating, learning how to balance and all that. So you’re gonna get that and have all the fun,” Poe ended with a wiggle of his eyebrows and held out his hands for Finn to take, standing on the other side of the board.

Finn stared at the longboard for a while, eyeing the shiny orange stripe along the dark grey surface of the board, a complete opposite to the colourful underside. Poe called it grip tape, brand new, and made him feel it before he’d put on his wrist guards.

“I also changed the bearings for you,” he told him. “So you’re basically getting a whole new board here. With good grip for your shoes and bearings that make the wheels go nice and smooth.”

Finn smiled at that, saying, “You didn’t have to do that,” but Poe just waved him off gently.

“Of course I had to. Gotta make sure you have the best experience! But I’ll catch you when you fall,” Poe promised and waited for Finn to take his hands. “Which you won’t,” he added in an attempt to reassure. “Because everything is new. And you’re you.”

Finn nodded and took a deep breath before he set his left foot in the middle of the board. It instantly started to move, and he reached for Poe’s hand.

“Easy,” Poe said and held his hand in a firm grip while Finn tried again, one foot in the middle and the other by the end. “See? You’re standing on it! You can’t possibly move like that, but you’re standing. Which is about half the deal already. Look at us go,” he laughed. Finn joined in, overbalancing in the process and just clinging to Poe, who didn’t seem to mind in the least. But honestly, neither did Finn.

“Okay, before we try that again, I’ll need you to get a feel for the board. Move the right foot so they’re parallel and have a good grip, and then gently move your hips, change your balance, whatever. Just move on the board and get a feel for how it moves.”

“But don’t let go,” Finn threatened and adjusted his grip on Poe’s hands, awkward with the wrist guards but he didn’t care much.

Poe smiled at him and promised, “I won’t. But you can grip my shoulders instead if you want, I think that’s better for balance. And for not staring at the ground, because that’s terrible for your posture.”

Finn looked up from where he’d been looking at his feet and nodded. “Yeah, that’s a good idea probably.” He moved his hands to Poe’s shoulders and instantly felt Poe’s hands move to his waist.

“Okay?”

They were suddenly very close and Finn caught himself staring at Poe’s face instead of anything else. His eyes, his nose, his lips, his eyes again.

“Distracting,” he answered and swallowed in the face of that smirk. Well, at least he had good posture now.

“Concentrate on the board, Finn. Get a feel for it. Don’t mind me here.”

Finn nodded and rolled his eyes. “That’s easier said than done,” he grumbled but moved his focus back to the board under him. That’s when it hit him that he was still standing. And he wasn’t leaning on Poe, didn’t feel an iron grip on his waist either. It was his doing that he was standing like this, the board steady beneath him. He grinned at Poe and gently started to move his hips, rocking the board forwards and backwards in slight moves.

“Very good,” Poe told him with a light laugh. “Yeah, just like that! You’re gonna be a natural, I can tell!”

At the enthusiasm in Poe’s voice, Finn couldn’t help but laugh and pull him closer, getting more and more daring with his movements.

“Alright, now lean forward and back and feel the board shift beneath you,” Poe directed him and Finn did as he was told. The board shifted this way and that, and Finn was glad that the tracks weren’t too loose so he had some leeway. Upon seeing him follow the instructions tentatively, Poe nodded and shot him another grin. “Exactly! That’s how you do curves. When you’re skating and lean one side or the other, the board will go in that direction immediately, so don’t freak out.”

“I’ll try,” Finn laughed and stopped his movements, waiting for more instructions.

Poe increased the pressure around his waist and pulled him off the board with a smirk. “The rest of the stuff is better self-taught. You ready to take this baby for a ride?” Poe’s tone of voice was flirtatious, like maybe he wasn’t really talking about the board at all, and Finn could feel the heat rise in his cheeks.

Still, he nodded, tried not to let his mind wander and instead focus on what was happening. “I think so? Nothing can happen, right?”

“Nope,” Poe said, pronouncing the _p_ with a cute pop, and took Finn’s hand. “You have the pads for when you fall or lose balance, but I’ll make sure you won’t. Can’t let you get these fine clothes dirty,” he winked and ran his hand along Finn’s soft sweater sleeve from his elbow pad all the way to his wrist, leaving goosebumps along the way.

Finn laughed because hadn’t that been exactly his and Rey’s thought? Good to know that they knew him well enough for this to work out. Poe squinted at him like he was trying to figure out what was so funny, but before he could say anything Finn stuck out his tongue and turned around, back to the board.

“Okay, you think I’m ready?” he asked Poe, reaching out with his hand so Poe could make good on his promise to catch him, but he didn’t move otherwise. Just stared at the black and orange board.

“I think we’re gonna find out,” Poe told him like the smart-ass he was and squeezed his fingers, which was still a bit awkward through the protector he was wearing. He couldn’t quite squeeze back right, but he hoped Poe got the gist of his awkward finger-wiggling.

Then Finn looked down again and put one foot in the middle of the board again, but Poe squeezed his hand again and said, “Put it a bit further to those screws. That’s where the tracks are, and then the ball of your foot is basically between the rolls.” Finn did like he was told and felt Poe squeezing his hand again. “Yeah, just like that. Now you have more room for your back foot. And it’s nicer when you have that front foot above the tracks, gives you more room for finding your balance.”

“Makes sense,” Finn nodded, adjusting his foot according to the instructions.

“Don’t overthink the position, you can adjust it whenever,” Poe told him gently. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah,” Finn said, determined to get this right. It looked fun all the times he’d seen Poe do it on his smaller board. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

And with that, he lightly pushed away from the ground with his right foot and the board reacted instantly, moving forward in a smooth go, slowly but steadily. Poe walked beside him, hands at the ready like he promised, telling him he was a natural. Finn laughed and pushed off again, not willing to stop so soon after starting.

“When you put your back foot on the board,” Poe chimed in, “turn it a bit so it’s perpendicular.”

Finn did, but couldn’t resist a snarky remark this time. “Oh, wow! Fancy word, Dameron.”

Poe laughed and stuck out his tongue. “Well I actually do have some brains, you know? Just because I don’t show ‘em or use ‘em, doesn’t mean I don’t have ‘em.”

“Feel that,” Finn grinned and looked at him, but in the process almost overbalanced. He thankfully managed to step off the board just in time to avoid a fall, but pushed the longboard all the way back to their bags in the process.

Poe was with him instantly, though, arms by his waist. “Karma,” was all he said and Finn jabbed him in the side like he knew Poe hated because he was ticklish, and then ran off to get the board. Poe didn’t follow him, just shook his head in mock exasperation and sighed. “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

“And we should say it,” Finn agreed with a grin and came skating back to Poe. Granted, it was just a couple of feet between them, but he was actually proud that he managed to arrive by Poe’s side without a hitch. And so, it seemed, was Poe, but he didn’t say anything about that.

Only, “Well, hello there.” Then he pouted. “You’re taller than me.”

“I’m always taller than you,” Finn laughed.

“Yeah, but now it’s more than just an inch. Now you’re a lot taller.”

Finn smiled and pulled him closer, the board a bit wobbly beneath his feet but he managed to keep his balance as Poe stepped in. He wanted to run his hands through the curls but that wouldn’t do with the protectors, and also he wasn’t sure if that was allowed. If Poe was always down to having fingers in his hair. Surely that must be annoying. Huh. But those curls were right in his face now, and Finn found he quite liked their height difference like this.

“I like being taller than you,” he murmured, placing his hands on Poe’s shoulders, not knowing what else to do with them. Poe’s, in turn, landed on his waist again and that was certainly something Finn had to get used to, but also something he really liked.

“You flirtin’ with me, Skywalker?” Poe asked, tilting his head back just slightly so he could meet Finn’s eyes.

“That depends,” Finn said and played with a lock of Poe’s hair between his fingers.

“Yeah? On what?” Poe was a bit breathless and looking at Finn’s lips. There was a tension between, the air sizzling, and images of their lips meeting flooded his mind for the second time that day. He wanted so badly to kiss Poe, wanted to know how to do it, what it would feel like, how to not be afraid of it. The way Poe looked at him, his hands gently holding Finn’s waist, looking at him with those wide, dark eyes so open to everything Finn would give him, that look made him want to do this right. Not here, not like this. Not now. Not yet.

The moment passed and Poe smiled at him, reached for his hands that were still resting on his shoulders, and held them between them. Gave a light squeeze and then took a step back, breathing deeply before he spoke.

“That was actually pretty smooth, you’re getting real good. Fifteen more minutes and you’ll have it all figured out like the natural you are!”

Finn tried not to preen under the praise, but he actually felt good about skating. The longboard Poe had given him reacted perfectly, not too quickly and it felt pretty instinctive already. Now he only had to figure out the balancing and the curves, and he’d be good.

He stepped on again and pushed forward, going a bit faster than he’d started, and Poe walked beside him again, watching him easily. “Try to bend your knees a little. Not to a crouch but so they’re flexible, makes it easier to manoeuvre the thing.”

Finn laughed but did as he was told. “Ooh. Another fancy word,” he remarked with a sideways glance at Poe and then pushed off again, harder this time so Poe had to jog to keep up. Both of them laughed and Finn got more and more confident with each second he spent on the board. He even leaned left and right to see what that was about, and found that was a nice change from simply going straight ahead.

At the end of the road, he’d almost reached the elderly couple that eyed him with kind curiosity, Finn clumsily stepped off the board and nodded to them by way of greeting. Then he turned back to Poe who had stopped a few yards back, grinning at him. Finn grinned back and stepped on again, skating back to Poe and enjoying the sudden fresh afternoon breeze blowing around him. The October air smelled fresh and cold and clean, and the sun was shining in his face. This was amazing. No wonder Poe loved skating to school.

As he approached clumsily, he just let the board roll and slowly came to a stop, his hands outstretched, hoping Poe would get the message and meet them with his own, effectively stopping Finn right there because he didn’t know how to do that yet. Luckily, Poe did just that and laughed at him.

“That was amazing! You’re amazing! Should have seen yourself, going like that not ten minutes after first stepping on a board. Fucking natural, man,” he shook his head and gently tugged Finn off the board with another laugh.

“Thank you,” Finn grinned and held onto his hands while Poe leaned back, waiting for Finn to pull him in again so he could lean back once more. Like he was doing vertical push-ups and Finn was his surface. He didn’t know why, but Poe seemed to love doing that, he did it with Jess all the time in school or when they were waiting for something, debating, or singing. Maybe it was another one of those Restless Dameron Syndrome symptoms, but Finn found it incredibly endearing and didn’t mind it in the slightest. 

“Wanna join me now?” he asked after a while of pushing and pulling. “So you don’t have to run and then lose against me?”

Poe huffed but didn’t stop his movements. “Excuse me, I did not lose. I merely figured running was futile since you’d come back to me anyways.”

“You figured correct, good sir,” Finn conceded and wouldn’t let him fall back the next time and instead pulled him in all the way, so Poe with all his momentum couldn’t help but fall right into Finn’s waiting arms.

Poe hummed with a grin and stayed there for a moment. “Knew it. You’re easy.”

“Very,” Finn nodded and then jabbed Poe in the side once more, making him flinch away for fear of tickles. “But so are you.”

“Extremely!” Poe agreed, then kicked back the longboard, turned around quickly and jumped on it like a madman, skating back to their bags and the other board. Finn was awestruck for a second there, watching Poe move on that board like it was part of him, before he mentally kicked himself and ran after him, sprinting to make it a race. Poe won, but it was a close deal. They reached their goal, breathless from the laughing more than anything else, and Finn decided that this was possibly the best first date in the history of first dates.

At some point while they were catching their breaths, Poe exclaimed, “I know what’s missing!”

“What?” Finn asked, crouching down so they were on eye-level while Poe sat on one of the boards.

“The pop punk!”

“The pop punk?”

Poe nodded and reached into his pocket. “The pop punk.” He spent a few moments on his phone, then pulled from his bag the portable speaker he’d apparently brought, and connected his phone. Seconds later, the clear sound of an electric guitar filled the air. Poe grinned at him. “You can’t skate without the pop punk. Or any other sorts of punk. That’s a crime and I won’t have it!”

Finn laughed and tried to figure out the song that was playing. It sounded vaguely like something he’d heard Rey play before, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

“ _Teenage Satellites_ by Blink-182. And no, I will not have a discussion about when their music was actually better, we all know the Neighbourhoods album has absolutely no match in its entirety. So if you wanna be a music gatekeeper based merely on publication year, don’t even start with me because I won’t have it!”

Finn snorted, having absolutely no opinion whatsoever on the different Blink-182 albums, but knowing Poe, it was wise to say, “Duly noted. And the song sounds nice!”

“It does! The whole California album is amazing. Both of them. You’d like it.”

“I’ll make sure to check it out,” Finn promised with a smile. He loved it when they talked about music, sharing songs the other normally wouldn’t listen to but did anyway.

Poe nodded with a soft smile and got up with a groan, holding his hand out to Finn to pull him up, too. “Ready to go again? I’ll join you this time.”

“If you can keep up,” Finn taunted with a grin and met Poe’s eyes, sparkling with joy and happiness and excitement, and he really never wanted to lose those eyes.

“Just you wait, Skywalker, I’ll make you eat my dust,” he laughed, placing one foot on the board and fixing Finn with a daring grin.

“Try,” Finn retorted and pushed off, getting a bit of a head start before Poe, leaving his delighted laughter behind. His heart fluttered at the sound, the smile starting to hurt his cheeks but he couldn’t stop. Not with everything being as perfect as it was.

A few seconds later, the music came closer again, and Poe with it. “ _We tumble through the night, we burn so bright. Teenage satellites!”_ he was singing loudly as he caught up, skating next to him with ease and shouting the _wo-ooh-ooh-o-oh_ part with a grin that made Finn laugh so hard he almost lost his balance. It was ridiculous and wonderful and absolutely distracting, there was no place he’d rather be right now.

It was no surprise that Poe reached the end of the boulevard first. What did come as a surprise to Finn, though, was whatever Poe did with his feet the moment he did. He jumped, flipped the board beneath his feet, and then landed again facing Finn.Then he leaned back with his whole weight on the tail, abruptly stopping the board in its tracks, and grinned at him, a mix between smug and excited. The two elderlies who had just stood up to leave, the woman’s hand secured in the man’s elbow, cheered for him and Poe turned around to them, making easy chitchat for a few seconds before they went on their way.

Finn couldn’t help but stare at him, mouth agape because what the actual fuck? How was he alive? How did he do that? How did he _land_ that? What even… 

“I can’t tell you how glad I am that I didn’t faceplant just now,” Poe laughed as he stepped off, and then with some weird motion flipped the board and caught it easily with his hand. “You okay?” he chuckled as he approached Finn -- who had yet to say something. 

“That was,” he motioned helplessly, not even knowing where to start. “I mean. Wow! How the fuck did you do that?” 

Poe chuckled and poked him in the ribs, effectively pushing Finn off the board just like before. “I’ve been wondering what it would take to get a ‘fuck’ from you,” he chuckled. “Should’ve known I’d just have to show off and you’d be a goner.” 

Finn rolled his eyes but couldn’t hide his amusement. “You’re incorrigible. Seriously, what was that?” 

“That,” Poe said smugly, “was a backside 180 kick flip. You do a kickflip and then just fucking hope you have the board under you enough in order to do a half-turn in the air and land safely. I almost broke my arm learning that, and I’m so glad I landed it just now. It’s harder than it looks,” he laughed sheepishly. 

Finn shook his head in awe. “Well, it looked pretty damn hard! Wow! Can you do more tricks?” 

Poe’s eyes went wide in excitement and he almost jumped on the spot. “Yeah! Wanna see?” 

“Absolutely!” Finn grinned, infected by Poe’s excitement. “But don’t fall, okay?” 

“I’ll try my best,” Poe smiled. “But let’s finish this round first, you’re pretty fucking solid on that board already!” 

Finn smiled and didn’t follow his instinct to reject the praise, because Poe was right. He had yet to fall, and skating was fun! So they did finish the round, and a few more, before Finn needed a break and sat down on the bench, watching Poe do all sorts of jumps and kicks and flips and whatever else they were called. Every once in a while, Poe would turn around and make sure Finn was still there, still watching, smiling at him with all that soft joy that was almost palpable in the air between them.

Finn was content just staring at Poe, in awe at his movements. He made it look so easy, just like everything else. Sometimes Poe made even life itself seem easy, like you could really just be yourself and everything else would follow naturally. And Finn really didn’t know how he did it. But he liked to just watch him and think things could be easy. 

“Hey,” Poe asked, suddenly appearing next to him again. “You getting all introspective again?”

Finn huffed. “You have it with the big words today, man.” 

“Well,” Poe shrugged and sat down on the bench beside him. “I might have looked up some fancy words before this date so I could impress your nerdy mind. And it seems to work, huh?” He bumped their shoulders with a grin. 

“Maybe,” Finn smiled. “And I’m good,” he told him. “Just got thinking that you make everything look so easy like that’s your superpower.” 

Poe stared at him but Finn preferred to look at his hands because if he met Poe's eyes, he was sure he couldn’t hide his blush and he really wanted to do that. It was a minute before spoke, his voice incredibly soft. “Finn. That’s… Thank you. That means a lot to me, don’t know why. Thanks.” 

Well, all attempts to hide his blush were futile the very second Poe slightly leaned against him, and Finn smiled, his heart beating somewhere in his throat. Finn leaned into him, too, and when he felt Poe’s head falling to his shoulders and staying there, he closed his eyes and breathed deeply. Neither of them said anything, and it was another perfect moment on a perfect day. 

* * *

“Come on, let’s eat something,” Poe said after a while and got up from the bench, grabbed his backpack and pulled a soft looking blanket from it. 

“Don’t tell me you brought food,” Finn chuckled and walked over to where Poe was spreading the blanket out on the damp grass. “You just thought of everything, huh?” 

“I keep telling you, I’m full of surprises, man,” Poe grinned and sat down, placing the speaker in the middle beside his backpack. More pop-punk was playing, something about highschool never ending, but Finn cared more about the boy sitting opposite him than his upbeat music choices.

Poe reached into his bag again and produced a tupperware container filled with sandwiches and cheese rolls. Then he sat back and looked at Finn who couldn’t help but smile. 

“It’s not much,” Poe said, offering the box to Finn who grabbed a sandwich. “But I thought that’s cool anyway. Just cheese and fake ham and lettuce and mayo. Hope that’s okay?” 

“Absolutely,” Finn agreed and gently nudged Poe’s knee with his foot before taking a bite. He hadn’t realised how hungry he was, and this was absolutely delicious. Poe just knew his way around food and Finn was not complaining. “These are so good,” he said around a mouthful and Poe chuckled. 

“I’m glad. And the cheese rolls are leftover from yesterday, paps and I were in the mood for some.”

“Do you two cook often?” Finn asked, seeing the perfect chance to learn more about Poe. 

“Occasionally,” Poe nodded and swallowed, reaching for a cheese roll next. “He really loves food and teaching me new things. We take turns sometimes with dinner, depending on who’s busy that day. Like, when I know he works late, I’ll go buy some groceries after school and make dinner, but when I’ve got school work piled up and decide to actually do it, it’s his turn to make dinner. It’s not so often that we do it together,” he finished, finally taking a bite. 

Finn nodded, munching on his sandwich for a second. “That’s nice.” He felt like he should say something more, tell his own story, but he was content in listening to Poe and learning more about him. And maybe Poe didn’t even care about the Skywalker dinner habits. 

“What about you all?” Poe asked casually. 

He snorted and finished his sandwich before answering. “Rey can’t be bothered to do actual cooking, but we help Luke sometimes. And we’ll just eat shit if he isn’t there,” he added with a laugh. “It works. But I sometimes wish I were good at cooking.” 

“Well,” Poe chimed in, a small smile playing with the corners of his mouth. “I can show you one day. We can cook something nice if you want And then see if it’s actually edible.” He shot him a shy smile and Finn couldn’t possibly say no to that offer. So he didn’t. And was rewarded by an even brighter, satisfied look Poe tried to hide in vain. 

They talked about all sorts of stuff, the music between them changing to soft indie pop when Finn hijacked Poe’s phone. It was comfortable between them, Finn feeling the usual ease around Poe that still astounded him time and time again. It was a weird kind of ease. Like you were free to be yourself but knowing you didn’t have to be. Knowing you could hold back but wouldn’t be invisible. Finn couldn’t quite grasp it, nor could he pinpoint the exact feeling. All he knew was that it was something that only Poe could make him feel.

At one point, Poe asked him, “What’s the one thing you always wanted to do as a kid but couldn’t?” 

Finn thought about that one for a moment, different kinds of memories flooding his mind, when a single colourful thought came to him that made him huff a laugh. Poe looked at him, ready to join the laughter but curious to hear it first. 

“Cake for dinner. I always wanted to have cake for dinner. Not, like, as a dessert. But actual dinner being nothing but cake,” he said and grinned. “I don’t know why that’s the thing that comes to me first, but it’s definitely a thing!” 

Beside him, Poe laughed and leaned back so he was lying down next to Finn. “Oh, that sure is something!” he chuckled. “I love that. I think everyone can relate there, Finny.”

Finny. _Finny_. First _babe_ , now this! Nobody in his whole life had ever called him Finny, and for some reason it made him so happy. Like this was it, like he was finally a real person now that he had a nickname. It was weird. And sudden. But he really, really loved for Poe to call him Finny. He didn’t even hear the rest of Poe’s sentence anymore, but what he did hear was, “How about we have cake for dinner later?”

“Huh?” Finn was sure he hadn’t heard correctly. 

Poe laughed and bumped his hand into Finn’s knee and repeated himself. “How about you and I and my old man have cake for dinner later instead of grown-up food?”

Finn stared at him, feeling his eyes go wide. “Really? You mean that?” 

“Yeah! It’s been a while since paps and I had nothing but sweets for dinner, it’s time we do it again!” 

“Oh my God, yes, I would love that!”

And so it was settled. Poe texted his father about the cake, probably taking stock of what cake-making ingredients they had at home and if FInn had something specific in mind. When he shook his head, overwhelmed with the amount of cakes that existed, none of which came to mind that moment, Poe shot him an excited grin and went back to texting his father. 

Finn took to watching him again, taking note of the various facial expressions Poe went through in a matter of seconds and trying to memorise each one. He reached for another sandwich and just enjoyed the last rays of the setting sun shining down on them, tinting everything in golden light like it was a dream. 

Bookshop. Skating. Poe. Cake for dinner. Could this day get any better?

They finished the sandwiches and cheeserolls and then sat in comfortable silence for a while, until Finn remembered that he had promised Poe that he’d read to him. The book was in Poe’s bag, too, and he fished it out without disturbing Poe beside him who had his eyes closed and was humming along to _Sweater Weather_. 

His efforts were all for nothing, though, because Poe reached for the speaker and paused the music, smiling up at him in the softest way. His hair looked extra floofy like this and Finn really wanted to run his fingers through it, but instead he turned his eyes to the book in his lap. It was one of the most beautiful covers he’d ever seen and he admired it for a moment, feeling Poe’s eyes on him all the while. 

Then he turned it around and read the blurb in a gentle voice while Poe settled into a more comfortable position until there was just a hair’s breadth between them and Finn could feel the warmth he was radiating. 

“Oh man,” Finn said as he opened the book and was assaulted by a load of heavy questions. “This is gonna be one of those books that are gonna change my life, huh?”

Poe stared up at him with a knowing grin. “Buddy, you have no idea how much.” 

Finn sighed and read them to Poe. “ _Why do we smile? Why do we laugh? Why do we feel alone? Why are we sad and confused? Why do we read poetry? Why do we cry when we see a painting?_ ” There were more questions, but he didn’t read them aloud. Questions about love and shame and desire he really didn’t want Poe to hear from his lips yet. He breathed deeply and let his eyes wander over the questions again. “Have you ever cried over a painting,” he asked at last, wondering if it was his place to ask that kind of question and just hoping it was okay. 

Poe thought for a moment, then nodded. “Yeah, but it was my own painting and I don’t know if that counts. Art class after my mama died. Don’t think it counts, though. You?” 

“Yeah. Several. Romantic-era paintings where the yearning for something else, just _something_ , is so palpable sometimes that I really feel that. Felt that,” he corrected without explanation, and felt Poe shifting closer to him until his head touched Finn’s thigh. He smiled then and added, “Or, you know, Van Gogh. Because I’m basic.”

Poe huffed a smile and nodded. “Okay, fair.”

Finn cleared his throat and turned the page. “ _The problem with my life was that it was someone else’s idea,_ ” he continued. “Okay, wow.” He felt exposed in a way he couldn’t explain and could feel himself get lost in that statement, but then Poe shifted his head a bit, and Finn found that the heaviness of the book became less oppressive with Poe beside him. 

He had so many things to say, both to the book and to Poe, but all he did was sit in silence for a moment and finally work up the courage to run his fingers through Poe’s hair like he’d longed to do all day. He was met with a quiet hum that sent shivers and tingles through his whole body and the air between them was electrified again. When he looked down, he saw that Poe’s eyes were closed, though, and that gave him the opportunity to smile and just watch him for a moment. He should have done this earlier instead of worrying if it was okay! So he kept up his motions, rested the book in his lap and turned the page again. 

“ _One summer night I fell asleep, hoping the world would be different when I woke.”_ Finn paused. His eyes moved down the page. _I was fifteen. I was bored. I was miserable._ He looked back at Poe. “ _This_ is your favourite book? The, and I quote you here, ‘bestest book to ever exist’?”

Poe opened his eyes and smiled at him. “Yep. Reminds me of you. And of me. Kinda.” 

Finn honestly didn’t know if he would survive a whole day with Poe and his tendency to just always say what was on his mind. First thing, boom, said it. And a lot of those things were about Finn, and it was so new, so pure, so unfiltered that Finn didn’t know how he was supposed to react. He couldn’t say stupid shit like _I think I love you_ to a boy on their first date, he couldn’t say _You’re about the best thing that ever happened to me outside of Rey and Luke_. He couldn’t lie down with him and kiss him as an excuse for not saying anything. But all day long his mind had supplied an ongoing litany of _I love you, Poe_ and there was no way he could say that. There was no way he could _feel_ that yet! Right? God, he really wanted to kiss him, though. Only distantly was Finn aware that he was shaking a bit, vibrating with the onslaught of thoughts he had no idea how to express.

“Sorry,” Poe said after Finn hadn’t said or done anything for too long, only stared at him.

“Don’t,” he said and put the book down in favour of grabbing Poe’s hand. “Please, don’t be sorry. I’m just… so bad at this. I have so many feelings. For you. And one second I think I got used to them, but then you say something sweet like that and it’s honestly like my brain short-circuits or something. I can’t even explain it,” he sighed and continued to run his free hand through Poe’s hair, smiling down at the beautiful, beautiful boy. 

“But it’s okay?” Poe asked to make sure he wasn’t overstepping again, and Finn’s heart ached for him. Literally, physically ached and he wanted to laugh and cry and say something, acutely aware that he’d felt the exact same way a few hours ago. Maybe that was just another constant with them. The feelings. He hoped it was. If it could also be easy again like when they were skating, there might be a good balance here. 

“It’s very okay,” he told him, hearing in his voice all the things he wanted to tell Poe. Perhaps Poe had heard them, too? The way he closed his eyes and smiled a happy little smile strongly indicated that. Finn breathed deeply and they sat in silence again, only the music between them after Poe hit play again. It was a comfortable sort of silence, an acknowledged substitute for all the things they wanted to tell each other but didn’t dare to. Something like _I really, really want to kiss you, Poe._

The breeze around them picked up as the sun finally hid behind the rows of houses behind them. Before Finn could register the chill making its way through him, though, he saw a raindrop land on the blanket, and then another. He looked up and thick, dark clouds were covering the sky above them. 

“Um, Poe,” he started, but already felt the boy sit up next to him and gather his things. 

“Yeah, I know. Let’s just pack up and go back to my place?” 

Finn nodded and helped Poe gather his things. “We can take the boards,” he suggested. “It’s quicker than walking and I’m not in a particular mood for either running or getting drenched.” 

Poe looked at him for a second, an astonished smile on his lips. “You sure? Yeah, we can do that,” he chuckled. They finished packing and then Poe offered him his hand to help him up. They folded the blanket together and stuffed everything into Poe’s backpack. “It’s almost all the way straight ahead apart from, like, two curves. But they should be manageable for you.”

“I can do it,” Finn reassured him and Poe laughed, shaking his head, the wind blowing through his hair spectacularly. 

“I know you can! You’re Finn!” Like that was all he needed to believe in him. Finn swallowed his feelings and followed Poe to their skateboards. 

Poe shouldered his backpack and off they went, skating away from the thick clouds and the rain they were bringing. Although there was no real reason for it, the two of them laughed so hard all the way home that sometimes it was hard to keep their balance. But he didn’t care about losing his balance a few times, because Finn felt alive and wild while he was following Poe home, grinning, letting the cool breeze hit his face. Thankfully, there were no cars approaching them, and Poe was right about the curves, Finn had enough room to just lean this way or that, while Poe manoeuvred his board any way he wanted to go, up the curbs and down again, whooping all the while. It was hard to watch the street and potential traffic instead of Poe, but Finn did manage without landing on his ass for his efforts. It felt amazing. The rain had caught up to them, but so far it was only a slight drizzle, nothing major. 

Before he knew it, they had reached Poe’s house, jumped off their boards and ran inside, breathless and grinning, clinging to each other the moment they were inside. 

“That was,” Poe breathed but was interrupted by laughter bubbling out of him, trying hard to catch his breath as he leaned against the wall behind him. 

“Amazing,” Finn filled in with a nod, closing the door behind him and trying to calm his nerves -- or at least his lungs. 

They took a second to catch their breaths, but all too soon, a familiar barking disturbed the silence and Poe perked up, pushed off from the wall and called, “Hey, Bee!” Just seconds later, a very excited, slightly damp dog came from the living room and ran toward them, tackling Poe with everything she had. “Easy, baby, easy,” he laughed but rubbed her all over, kneeling down so they were on eye-level, which Bee-Bee instantly made use of, tackling Poe to the ground with her excitement. “Easy, man!” Poe laughed again, but made no attempts to actually restrain her or make her back off. 

The two of them squabbled on the ground for a minute or two, with Finn being content to watch before Bee-Bee even realised there was someone else in the house. She got off of Poe with a final lick to his cheek, then approached Finn with excited curiosity. 

“Hey, you,” he greeted and held out his hand for Bee to sniff. “Remember me?” he asked while Bee took to sniffing his hand, approaching him slowly. “It’s Finn,” he said lamely, his eyes wandering back to Poe who was still lying on the floor, watching them upside-down with a sweet smile. 

Bee meanwhile decided that she did remember Finn, and that he was a friend who should give her some love sooner rather than later, so Finn sat down and petted Bee like she demanded. That earned a laugh from Poe, but neither Finn nor Bee-Bee paid him any mind. 

When there was another chuckle, however, a deeper one, more guttural, Finn did look up and met a set of familiar eyes belonging to a strange man. Poe’s father. He was smiling down at them, leaning against the doorframe that led to the living room, arms loosely crossed in front of his chest. Most of Finn’s worries evaporated instantly in the face of that warm smile. 

He got up from the ground quickly and returned the smile, offering his hand with a polite, “Hello, I’m Finn.” 

The man’s smile only seemed to get wider, much like he knew from Poe, and the resemblance between father and son was astounding. They both had a serious case of wild, untamed curls, deep dark eyes, and a strong jawline. The only difference being the stubble on the older man’s cheeks and his salt-and-pepper hair. He had something about him that made Finn instantly feel at ease, despite the wide shoulders and the muscular arms, still crossed before his chest. Maybe it was the eyes. And the smile. Maybe it was all the ways he saw Poe in him. 

Or maybe it was the way the man offered him his hand and kindly said, “I’m so happy to meet you, Finn. I’m Kes.”

No threat in his voice, no exaggerated pressure in his handshake, no hardness in his features, like Finn had secretly expected. It shouldn’t come as a surprise, really, that the father of Finn’s favourite person would be just as warm and kind the very moment he got to meet him, but somehow it did. Finn had thought about this moment a lot, fantasised, dreaded it, had never set foot in this house when Kes was home. He felt incredibly silly for that right now. 

“It’s very good to meet you, too,” Finn said and let go of Kes’s hand, then turned back to Poe who was still on the floor, scratching behind Bee’s ear and watching them patiently. 

“Told you it was going to rain, Poe,” Kes chuckled. 

Poe got up, too, and shrugged. “Yeah, well. Only made the ride back more fun, didn’t it?”

“Oh, absolutely,” Finn agreed with exaggerated conviction, then looked back at Kes, feeling a bit awkward and not knowing what to do about it. 

Luckily, Kes showed some more Dameron traits and was content doing the talking. “Can I get you anything, Finn? Some water, coffee, tea, anything? I’ve just made a fresh pot of coffee because there’s an addiction for that in this house, but I can get you something else, too.”

Finn briefly looked to Poe, then said, “Uh, coffee sounds good?”

Poe nodded and said, “I’ll get it.” He pulled off his shoes and Finn joined him, then continued, “You two get comfortable, I’ll get the drinks.”

A few minutes later, the three of them were sitting on the big living room couch, drinking coffee and making easy conversation. Kes asked how Luke was, if they’d settled in okay, what Luke was doing these days. It was a bit weird and Finn didn’t know if he was supposed to talk about it, but Luke had never told him not to, so it was probably fair game. 

“He’s good, I think,” he said at last. “He’s a teacher, you know? At the community college.” 

Kes chuckled at that, a bit wistfully. “Always did want to help people, that man.” 

“I guess,” Finn smiled and was relieved that the kind look hadn’t vanished from the man’s eyes. Maybe he and Luke could sort out whatever it was between them and they could all get along. 

Poe watched them carefully, enjoying his coffee with a blissful little smile that made Finn’s insides feel fluttery and soft. 

“You know,” Kes perked up after a second. “If that’s alright with you and your sister, how about we all have dinner some time? The three of you, Poe and I, maybe Han and Leia. We used to hang out all the time back in the day, and now that Luke is back, I figured maybe we could try a fresh start?” 

Finn was taken aback a bit by that, but he found himself nodding along. “Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll ask him. I mean… Unless you want to?” 

“No, please do. I have no way of contacting him and I don’t want to ask Leia first, she’ll never let me hear the end of it otherwise,” he laughed sheepishly and scratched the back of his head in the same endearing way Poe used to do sometimes.

Speaking of Poe, he was looking at his father, almost doubtful and worried. “Paps, are you sure?” 

Kes looked at him for a moment, obviously contemplating, maybe rethinking the whole thing. It did seem a bit sudden. But then Kes breathed out and smiled. “Yeah, I’m sure. I’d like to see him.” 

“If you’re sure,” Poe nodded and emptied his cup of coffee in a big gulp. Probably keeping himself from saying anything more, Finn figured. 

“I’m sure. So,” Kes placed his mug on the coffee table and clapped his hands in excitement. “I heard something about cake for dinner?” 

And just like that, the tense moment was over, like that really was some sort of Dameronian superpower. 

* * *

“And don’t come in here unless I specifically call you, okay?” Poe told him, ushering him out of the kitchen. “This is gonna be a surprise and neither of us are gonna ruin it. And I’ll be done in a few minutes, okay?” 

Finn laughed but assured him that he would not set foot in the kitchen unless there was a fire. He smiled to himself as he went back into the living room, spotting Bee on her blanket, perking up the moment she saw Finn. “We’re the outcasts, huh? Not allowed in the kitchen,” he sighed dramatically, scratching gently under her chin the moment he reached her. 

“Oh, I wouldn’t necessarily call us outcasts,” came the deep and sonorous voice of Poe’s dad behind him, and it took Finn everything not to jump out of his skin with how silently the man moved. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” Kes amended with an apologetic smile. 

“It’s okay, don’t worry,” Finn hastened to reassure him. This was his house after all. He wasn’t entirely comfortable being alone in a room with Poe’s father, not knowing what to do or what to say, being a complete stranger in this house. But there were so many things he wanted to ask Kes, things about Luke that he’s never told him or Rey. Things about the past, way before their adoption. He’d never met a friend of Luke’s -- aside from Leia, of course, but she was his principal and he hadn’t officially _met her_ as his sort-of aunt yet. He wanted to know things about Luke he couldn’t just ask him, things like if he would be okay with him and Poe dating. With Rey and Jess dating. 

But he couldn’t just ask Kes, like _Hey, do you think Luke is a homophobe?,_ or _Do you know if Luke believes in bisexuality or should I just tell him I’m gay?_ , or even _Could I come here if he doesn’t want me anymore?_

It was unfair of him to think that, he knew, but thoughts like these just kept coming. There had never been a sign that Luke would be anything but supportive, but… he couldn’t be sure. He knew the stories of people who were kicked out of their loving homes, or parents who wouldn’t want to meet their children’s partners. His throat was closing up again at these thoughts, and he could feel himself spiralling again, his hand clenching by his side, and it took Bee-Bee softly bumping it with her wet nose to kind of get him out of it before it could properly start. 

“Are you okay?” Kes asked, sitting down on the couch beside him. 

“Yeah,” Finn said with a forced smile because there was no way in hell he was losing it the very first day he met Poe’s dad. No, that was not happening! He breathed deeply and set to petting Bee-Bee instead of saying anything more. 

“I know I said it before, but I really am happy to meet you, Finn,” Kes told him in this earnest voice of his. “Poe’s told me a lot about you and it’s good to finally have a face to the name.”

Finn blushed at that and eased back into the couch, a bit of the tension in his shoulders lifting, his head clearing gradually. “Thank you, sir. It’s really good to meet you, too. And thank you for having me. I mean, Poe could have come over again, too, but” he hesitated, but found himself at a loss for words, so he just ended his sentence with a lame, “Yeah.”

Kes nodded beside him and leaned forward, his elbows resting on his thighs, his hands folded between them. A gentle huff came from him and he spoke again, “You know, Luke’s a good man. A _really_ good man, and I’m sure you do know this. But he’s also a bit dense. Worries a lot, like it’s a competition. He’s always trying to do the right thing, so much so that he sometimes doesn’t really _see_ it anymore.” He looked up at Finn with eyes that seemed to look right through him. “I love that man to pieces, and as long as I’ve known him, he always wanted what’s best for people. Wanted to help them and make sure they were happy. And I know a lot has changed since I’ve known him, but I don’t think this could change.”

Finn held the man’s eyes, a bit at a loss for what he was trying to tell him, but hoping that he understood. 

“And if it has, or if you think that there’s something, _anything_ that you can’t tell him but need to tell someone, I want you to know that the door to this house is always open for you, Finn. You’re always welcome here. Okay?” 

If Finn had spent the past two months wondering why Poe was so perfect and so kind and so, so patient, wondering where he got it from in a world as brutal and rushing as this, he now had his answer. Kes Dameron, war veteran, best dad, and the gentlest, kindest person on the planet. That would make for a good plaque! 

Once again, he found himself at a loss for words and his throat closing up, but for a much nicer reason. He nodded and said with all the genuine gratitude he felt, “Thank you. Really, thank you, sir.”

“It’s Kes,” the man interrupted him with a kind smile. 

“Kes,” Finn amended, then shook his head, looking for words but coming up empty. “I don’t know what to say.” 

“You don’t have to say anything, Finn. It’s more important that you understand and know this. It’s okay to not know things sometimes, and it’s important to allow yourself to learn things about yourself first before you introduce them to others. Every time I felt like there was something going on with Poe, I had to give him time to figure it out before I could approach him. And it always worked.” He paused, a soft smile tugging at his lips, a bit wistful like he was lost in memories. Then he turned back to Finn, and chuckled. “Okay, that was a whole lecture, and you didn’t come here for a lecture. But, Finn. Whatever happens, you’ll always have at least one Dameron man in your corner. And that boy,” he smiled, his eyes moving to the general direction of the kitchen, where clangs and quiet singing interrupted by a few curses were providing a constant background noise. “That boy, when you have him in your corner? Just about anything can be thrown your way and you’ll still feel like you could take on the world. Trust me, I know.” 

Wow, that casual honesty that had pulled him to Poe in the very beginning really seemed to be a theme in this household. Finn didn’t know how they did it, how they just said these things unprompted and like they didn’t deserve their own space in a conversation, like they were just commonly acknowledged declarations of truth and love, few among many. Spiteful in a world that avoided that at all costs. The Damerons acted like feelings were meant to be acknowledged and felt, like they deserved a whole universe for themselves. It was utterly refreshing once it stopped being overwhelming. 

True to Kes’s words that Finn didn’t have to say anything, they established a comfortable silence between them, which Bee-Bee used to crawl into Finn’s lap and lie down like he was part of the furniture. 

“Oh wow, she really does like you, huh?” Kes chuckled and scratched her head where it was resting on Finn’s thigh. “Well, that makes three of us,” he said casually, and okay, maybe it _was_ still overwhelming, but in a refreshing way. Finn smiled at him and was ready to go back to the silence from before, when Poe entered the room with a grin and announced that the cake was in the oven and would be done in about half an hour. 

“Okay, so it’s basically a vegan pudding-cheesecake with a chocolate cookie base,” Poe explained excitedly as he sat next to Finn, “topped with selfmade strawberry-mint jam. And we can eat it warm or we can let it cool off and refrigerate it for a while. But that would also mean we’d have to wait for a while longer, and I’m pretty hungry already.” He looked at them, eyebrows raised. “What are we thinking?”

“Woah, wait.” Finn stared at him. “Did you really just make that from scratch?”

Poe laughed and took his hand. “Well, not really from scratch, Finny. It was instant pudding and the chocolate cookies weren’t self-made either. But other than that, yeah?” 

Finn really could do nothing other than stare at him, and Poe’s grin turned less confident and more and more amused. “Wild,” was all Finn could say to that, completely forgetting what Poe had asked them. 

“Hmm, where’s the fun in waiting for the cake to be cold?” Kes chimed in behind him. “I vote eat it warm, then refrigerate what’s left.”

“If there _are_ left-overs!” Poe grinned and pointed at him, “I like the way you think, old man.” 

“Who’re you calling old?” Kes growled in mock offense. 

And that set the two of them off. They spent a few minutes bickering in good fun, and Finn sat between them, staring at nothing in particular and feeling the smile on his lips deep down in his heart. He was warm, happy, a soft vanilla smell wafting through the air, his hand stroking through the soft fur of a dozing Bee-Bee in his lap. His feet hurt a bit, reminding him of the afternoon, and every sensation in that moment was perfect. The music coming from the kitchen where Poe had left his phone, the warmth of Poe’s body pressed up against him, the gentle strokes of Poe’s thumb on the back of his hand. _Everything_. It was so good, he was almost afraid it wasn’t real. But it was. It really, really was, and all he could do with that information was lean into Poe’s side, and live in his warmth while the bickering was still going, but gentler. 

It was for the first time ever, or at least as long as Finn could remember, that the thought of _I really love my life_ crossed his mind. And he didn’t know where that came from, didn’t know what to do with it, or how long it would be staying. But there it was, and Finn would do his best to keep it close for as long as he could. And Poe right along with it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, please, please let me know if you liked it. I hope the pacing isn't too messed up by another split, I'm really worried here. Ask all my friends whom I won't stop annoying with this xD
> 
> Also, I have a huge part of the next chapter down already (being a functional writer for a change lmao) and it's gonna be _so cute!!!_ so the wait shouldn't be all too long. <3
> 
> I hope you're warm and safe and healthy as you're reading this, knowing that you are loved and important. Thank you for being alive, thank you for reading.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Date, part 3/3  
> 2020 left me so touch-starved, all the boys do is hug. That's it, that's the chapter. Enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. Hey you. Yeah, you. You survived 2020 and I am so proud that you're still here! <3  
> Also, what better way to start the year than with some softness and love? (technically it is 2 January for me but shhh)
> 
>  **all my uwus before we get started:**  
>  Okay, okay, let me take this moment to thank every single one of you! This story has over 100 kudos, so many comments, I still can't believe how much this means to some people?? It's so wild that I get to share this with you! And I am so grateful! Every single one of you made my 2020 just that much better, and I hope this will continue well into 2021! You keep me writing, you keep me alive to some extent, and I am so utterly privileged to get to experience this! Thank you, thank you, thank you! This story has led to so many wonderful friendships and I love you all so very much!

“I really hate to tell you, Poe,” Finn said after they had made their way upstairs and into Poe’s room, their stomachs full of cake. “But I think I’ll just have to adopt your dad.”

Poe turned around after closing the door and laughed, throwing his head back. “Yeah, heard that one before.”

“I can imagine,” Finn grinned and wrapped his arms around Poe’s shoulders for a short hug. “He’s amazing.”

“He is. He really is.” Poe smiled and hugged him back. “I’m glad you like him.”

“I’m glad _he_ likes _me_ ,” Finn grinned nervously.

“Oh, please,” Poe huffed and stepped back. “That was never even a question.” And he said it with such sincerity, like it was the most natural thing to Poe that people would like Finn. It wasn’t the first time Poe implied such a thing, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last, but every time it happened, Finn was taken aback. Like the Finn Poe knew was a different Finn that he thought himself to be.

Which was probably the case.

But Finn didn’t quite understand it. Not really. And he didn’t want to make Poe repeat himself, didn’t want him to feel pressured to reassure Finn, but. _But_.

“Why do you always say that?” he asked after a while, tried not to sound accusing or as lost as he felt.

“Say what?” Poe looked at him, badly hidden worry in his eyes. Finn didn’t want him to worry, so he did the only thing he could think to do. He took Poe’s hands in his and held them. A lot of the tension in Poe’s body disappeared and Finn smiled at how easy it was for him to do that.

He tried again, without making Poe worry this time. “Why do you always think people should like me?”

Poe frowned a bit. “Because they would be stupid not to like you. They’d miss out. Because you’re _amazing_. I said it before and I’ll say it again if you want me to. You’re just… You’re Finn. You’re _Finny_ ,” he smiled and so did Finn. “And if people don’t like you, that’s on them.”

Finn huffed a laugh and pulled Poe closer again, wrapping his arms around the boy once more. “Thank you,” he said. Then, “Sorry.” Poe shook his head against Finn’s chest, but he needed to say it. “It’s just so new. I never thought of myself as being particularly likeable, and people always, like, took advantage of me? Being a nice kid in the foster system isn’t always a plus. And then I just… Either didn’t try to think about myself at all, _or_ got caught up in how people might perceive me. Neither was particularly helpful,” he laughed sheepishly, then buried his face in Poe’s neck, tightening his arms around him. “And then came Rey and Luke, and that helped. Because I could learn to be _Finn_. And then you came along, and I’m learning what it means to be Finn. And what that means to others.” Poe lifted his head and leaned back far enough so he could look Finn in the eyes with this incredibly gentle smile that made Finn feel seen and understood. He took a deep breath against the lump forming in his throat and shrugged. “It’s just… new.”

Poe’s smile didn’t waver as he listened to Finn and nodded slightly. “I get that, I think. And I’ll gladly remind you again and again just why I think you’re the best. You know me,” he grinned. “I just never stop talking anyways, might as well talk about the best boy I know.”

That elicited a surprised, genuine laugh from Finn and he instinctively pulled Poe close again. It was amazing how Poe did that, how he always had the right words and how he always just _said_ things. That was also new. But just like the hugs and the little touches and the way Poe always seemed to gravitate toward him, Finn thought he could get used to that.

“Thank you for telling me,” Poe whispered against his neck and Finn just held him tighter in response. It wasn’t easy to open up, to say things instead of just thinking them. To let himself be known. And he sure was glad that he could hide his face against Poe’s neck, too, and not have to face the world for a few seconds. But there were things Poe deserved to know, there were things Finn needed to say, not just for Poe but also for himself. So, knowing that he could say them, that Poe wouldn’t judge, wouldn’t roll his eyes and tell him he’s stupid for his goddamn anxiety or his past – it was a relief. He shouldn’t have expected any less from Poe, but he was relieved anyway.

“Thank you for letting me tell you,” he said after a while. And that was that.

Only then did he have the chance to take in his surroundings.

Poe’s room was dark around them, the only source of light being a string of lights wrapped around the end of the bed, and the dim light from the street lamps shining through rain-streaked the windows. The smell of laundry detergent, cinnamon, and something tangy, something uniquely Poe, filled the air and Finn couldn’t help the smile spreading on his lips.

The heaviness of the moment was gone in the face of the warm, gentle, comfy atmosphere of Poe’s room as Finn took a look around. There weren’t many books, he realised, but still more than he had expected.

“Go on,” Poe laughed. Finn turned to him and Poe shrugged with a grin. “You can go be a nerd and look through my bookshelf. Won’t take long anyway.”

Finn chuckled as he stepped closer to the two shelves that were stacked with books, by far not as neatly as Finn’s. He didn’t even know if there was a certain order to them, but knowing Poe, there probably was. It just wasn’t as obvious to him.

Subconsciously, Finn reached back with his hand, inviting Poe to take it and join him. Maybe Poe’s constant need for touch was contagious, because everything felt just that much better the moment Poe’s fingers closed around him, his head resting on Finn’s shoulder as he waited while Finn inspected the books.

“Ooh, _The Perks of Being a Wallflower_ ,” Finn gasped and pulled it out with his free hand. It was the one book in the shelf that had its back broken in many places, its pages a bit frayed, as it had obviously been read many times. “I love that book!”

Poe hummed. “Me too. Don’t know why, I can’t even relate to Charlie that much. He’s more like you, I guess. But something about that book is just so, so good. Have you seen the movie?”

Finn shook his head and put the book back. “Nope, not yet.”

“We can watch that sometime, it’s fanstastic. And we’re gonna cry,” Poe chuckled.

“Deal,” Finn smiled and let his eyes wander over the backs of the books. There were many by the same author, copies in English and Spanish, and Finn had no idea how he knew that name. He frowned. “Benjamin Alire Sáenz. Why does he sound familiar?”

“He wrote Ari and Dante,” Poe explained. “And all his books are just so good! And unique. And not white, so that’s a plus,” he grinned. “If you like Ari and Dante, you can borrow some of the other books if you want.”

Finn squeezed his hand. “Thanks, I’m sure I’ll love them.” There were a few more Spanish books, some sci-fi novels, and of course some of the same LGBTQ+ themed books that were also in Finn’s own bookshelf. He grinned at that. Further down, there were a lot of comics and graphic novels, though to inspect them would take too long, so Finn just turned his grin to Poe who was looking up at him.

“So, what’s the verdict?” he asked with playfully raised eyebrows.

“Hmm,” Finn grinned, “let’s see. Latinx, gay, sci-fi nerd. Anything I missed?”

“Nope, that’s it. That’s my personality,” Poe dead-panned.

“True, you’re awfully dull like that,” Finn laughed.

Poe joined in and shoved Finn lightly. “In all my eighteen years on this planet, nobody has ever called me awfully dull.”

Finn shoved him back but pulled him in by the hands again immediately. “Well, better grab your calendar and mark the date, then.”

Poe squinted at him. “Bold of you to assume I own such a thing as a calendar.”

“True,” Finn shrugged. “That would ruin your rule of chaos.”

“See!” Poe exclaimed. “You just know me so well!”

Finn laughed and let go of Poe’s hand, turned around to explore the rest of Poe’s room, letting him stand before the bookshelf. “Dork,” he smiled. He heard Poe huff behind him and it took every ounce of self-restraint he could muster to not turn around and watch the smile bloom on his face, the fond look in his eyes and the relaxed posture. Always so relaxed around Finn. Always so comfortable. It was a privilege to get to see Poe like that. But if he turned around now, he’d never get to really see the rest of Poe’s room, and he really was curious.

So, the open pining could wait.

Poe’s room wasn’t particularly big, about the same size as Finn’s. A big bed, desk, a few cupboards and shelves. It wasn’t cluttered as Finn had expected, but there were a lot of things in here that made this unmistakeably Poe’s room. The spaceship figurines, both actual models and some Poe had folded himself. Pictures of Poe and his friends over the years taped to the wall. There were Snap and Jess and some other people Finn had seen around in school. Some of Poe playing in a band, which made Finn smile. Figured. Of _course_ Poe had played in a band!

Framed pictures, photo strips, cords with small wooden clothespins that were holding pictures, sweet and silly sticky notes with messages, all served as decoration on Poe’s walls. Little reminders that he wasn’t alone, that he was loved, that he was real and that he had friends and people who cared for him. Silly pictures, blurry pictures, perfect professional pictures. Everything. Finn loved it, could look at them forever, at Poe’s bright smiles shining down at him.

“I love those,” he said gently.

Poe had sat down on the bed and watched Finn with a smile, then looked at the pictures Finn was facing. “Yeah, me too. It was Jess’s idea. We started three years ago, I think? When I had a bad day she just came over with her laptop, we looked through her harddrive and then went to print a lot of pictures. Two weeks later we did the same for her. And for Snap.” He smiled with a faraway gaze. “I love being surrounded by memories.”

Finn’s heart melted a little in the face of that faraway smile. He loved the deep friendship Poe had with Jess and Snap. Sometimes he wondered if there was anything in this world that Poe didn’t dedicate his whole entire heart to. Everything he did, everything he felt, it seemed to intense. So genuine. Even heavy, sometimes. And Finn was so glad that Poe was surrounded by just as much love as he was giving. And he was even more glad to be part of his world, too.

He walked over to where Poe was still sitting on the bed, stepped between his legs, and ran his fingers through Poe’s hair, scratching and massaging his scalp a little, delighted at the way Poe purred and leaned into him like a cat.

They stayed like that for a while and Finn closed his eyes, felt the smile on his lips he couldn’t quite control, and let his heart beat for this quiet moment. His head was void of thoughts, quiet once more, everything else replaced by Poe and his warmth against him.

Eventually, Finn remembered the pictures that had shown Poe playing in a band, and the smile on his lips widened. “Hey, wanna tell me about your band?”

Poe chuckled against him and leaned back far enough that he could meet Finn’s eyes, his arms supporting his weight behind him on the comforter. “Sure. Which one?”

“You had several?”

“Yup,” Poe grinned. Figured. There was a lot of energy in that boy and it had to go somewhere! “Three, over the years. But I think the one you mean was with Snap, Paige and Iolo. You don’t know these two, they graduated last year. You’d like them, though,” he smiled. “The band was… Well, some sort of pop punk ska and fun band?” Finn laughed at that, because of course! “We made a lot of noise, raised some awareness and basically annoyed everyone until they let us play,” he grinned. “Was amazing. A lot of fun.”

“Let me guess,” Finn carefully placed his hands on Poe’s shoulders. “You played the guitar and hijacked the mic?”

Poe laughed and nodded. “Told you, you just know me too well!”

Finn hummed and started massaging his shoulders a little. “Man, I sure would have loved to see that.”

“Oh, I’m sure my old man has some footage of it. Or Jess. You won’t even have to ask them, just mention me and the word band, and they’ll jump at the opportunity to embarrass me,” he huffed. “Little do they know I’m not easily embarrassed.”

“With a voice like yours, why would you?” Finn nodded, and melted a bit at the smile Poe gave him.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Finn breathed. They looked at each other, their eyes locked, smiles perpetually present, and time seemed to stop. It was only them in their soft, warm, dimly lit bubble full of butterflies and skipping hearts.

Until Poe leaned back and crawled backwards up until he was lying down on the bed, head on the pillow. He smiled at Finn and opened his arms in a silent invitation.

Finn smiled, he looked really cute up there. “Cuddles?”

“Cuddles,” Poe said, determined. And honestly, how could Finn possibly say no to Poe-cuddles? He couldn’t and he wouldn’t. So he tried to gracefully lie down beside Poe, facing him on the bed. It was a bit awkward at first and they didn’t touch, just lay there and stared at each other until Poe grabbed his hand and idly played with his fingers like he loved to do.

Finn watched their hands, reacted to the way Poe’s fingers moved along his own, pressed their palms together and noted that his hand was a bit bigger than Poe’s, his fingers longer and softer where Poe’s were a little calloused from playing the guitar.

There were no words between them, their bubble filled with a comfortable silence and the goosebumps that ran through Finn’s body when Poe’s fingers absently moved along his palm. Then he stopped playing with them, just intertwined their fingers and placed them on the pillow between them, his eyes on Finn again. So close. Smiling so softly. It would be so easy now, to lean over and give him a kiss.

Nervousness made its way through Finn again as he pictured it, pictured all the ways he could do it wrong. Maybe he wouldn’t be a good kisser – how on Earth would he know? His first and last kiss had been when he was seven, a dainty little girl called Marguerite, and that probably didn’t even qualify as a real kiss. He didn’t want to do it wrong, didn’t want to offend Poe, didn’t want to hurt him one way or another.

Finn breathed deeply and closed his eyes briefly, needing to be closer to Poe still. So he scooted closer on the bed until he could feel the warmth Poe was radiating. Until their knees were touching and he could rest his head closer to Poe’s, hoping that the other boy would lean in and touch their foreheads together.

He did. They were so close now, their knees touching, their hands holding onto each other with Poe’s thumb drawing lazy patterns on Finn’s hand, and their foreheads resting against each other. Finn could feel the gentle puffs of breath on his face and closed his eyes once more.

He pictured Poe smiling like he had all day. It was a beautiful smile, and Poe was a beautiful boy.

“Beautiful,” he breathed, not willing to stop himself, but he could feel the nervous energy running through him, surely making his hand shake in Poe’s grasp.

“Huh?”

“You.”

“Oh,” Poe breathed, and Finn could almost feel it on his skin. On his skin, under his skin, just _everywhere_. Poe moved closer, just barely, like he was melting into Finn and couldn’t help it. “You too,” he said at last, all the sincerity in his voice.

Finn could hear his heartbeat, felt it in the tips of his fingers and in the balls of his feet and there was no way that Poe didn’t feel it, too. No way he didn’t sense the nervous energy running through Finn, accelerated by the butterflies he felt in his stomach and the way he couldn’t stop smiling.

“Poe?” he whispered, determined to use the nervous energy for something good this time, to not be ruled by it, to take a step outside his comfort zone.

“Yeah?”

He waited a moment, breathed deeply, and then just said it. “Can I kiss you?”

Poe breathed in sharply and pulled back slightly, looking at him with intense eyes. He took a moment before he asked, “Are you sure?”

Finn understood what he meant. They wanted to take it slow, but that didn’t have to change because of a kiss. This moment was perfect, the day had been perfect and Poe simply was perfect himself. And Finn couldn’t really concentrate on much else all day long, and it wouldn’t get any better than this. So yeah, he was sure. As sure as he could be.

Finn nodded. “Very.” The tentative smile on Poe’s lips was absolutely worth it and made his heart pick up a rapid beat again as he returned it. Then the nervous energy made itself known again and he faltered. “But… I don’t know how,” he admitted sheepishly.

Poe’s smile didn’t falter, though. He touched a hand to Finn’s cheek and stroked it with his thumb. Stared for just a second. “How about this,” he whispered. “I kiss you. And then we can see about the rest. We can still take it slow, okay?”

Relieved and not at all surprised at Poe’s kindness, patience and understanding, Finn nodded and melted into the bed once more as Poe rose to support his weight on his elbow, hovering over Finn with that beautiful smile on his lips.

Slowly, giving Finn enough time to back out if he wanted to, Poe leaned down, hand still warmly cradling Finn’s cheek. Smiling, Finn closed his eyes and inclined his head to meet Poe.

Soft, tentative lips were warm on his, and Finn didn’t know what to do with himself. Where to put his hands, how to breathe, what to do with his lips. But it didn’t matter, because Poe stayed were he was, gave him time, smiled into the kiss and moved his lips slightly. Like he was pressing a few more kisses to Finn’s lips, and Finn slowly started to reciprocate.

His heart was beating rapidly in his chest and all he could think was _Poe, Poe, Poe_. _I’m kissing Poe Dameron._

All too soon, though, Poe pulled back again and Finn could breathe like he never had before. He opened his eyes and saw Poe smiling down at him, and then Finn raised his hand to rest on Poe’s cheek as well. Mirroring him.

“Hi,” Poe grinned.

“Hi,” Finn whispered, then pulled Poe down again so his head could rest on Finn’s chest and they could cuddle properly. “That was…”

“Good?”

“Very,” Finn said, simply lost for words. He didn’t need words. He just needed Poe right there with him, needed to hold him close and never let him go.

They lay like that for a long time, simply existing in each other’s touch, and Finn closed his eyes again, tired and content and so very in love he felt like he could fall asleep right here and never wake up again as long as Poe was with him.

Poe, however, seemed to have other plans, and Finn could feel him shifting nervously.

“Hey, Finny?”

That nickname, it did things to him. “Hmm?”

“This totally ruins the moment, but,” Poe hesitated, waited a moment and then started over. “Uhm, I just want you to know that this is only our first date, and you’re not, like, obligated to date me. If you wake up tomorrow or any day and decide you’re over it, that’s fine. Same with the kiss just now. You always have an out, okay?”

Finn frowned, but quickly understood that Poe was thinking ahead again, always three steps ahead of himself, always fighting a fight before its time. Fighting a fight for Finn, at that. Reassuring, reminding, caring. “Okay,” he said, carefully choosing his words. “And yeah, it’s only our first real date, but that doesn’t matter. I won’t wake up tomorrow and be over you. Okay?”

“You don’t know that,” Poe mumbled, and Finn’s heart broke a little for him. “Sorry.”

“Yes, I do.” He raised his hand to rest it on Poe’s cheek, moving it back to run it through his curls again. “Because it’s you. That’s just how it is, okay? You have to trust me here.”

Poe nodded. “Okay. Okay, I trust you.”

“Good,” Finn said and pulled Poe closer so they could wrap their arms around each other again, so their legs were tangled and their foreheads touching again. Finn’s lips were still tingling, the phantom touch of Poe’s soft kiss still there, still making him smile and his heart do a kickflip like Poe had done earlier today. He breathed the other boy in, let himself be surrounded by his scent, let himself be held and let himself be alive.

In the end, the two of them actually did end up dozing off in each other’s arms, comfortable and warm and safe. It was only when Kes called from downstairs that it was still raining and that he would drive Finn home, that they untangled themselves and went downstairs, hand in hand.

* * *

“Come on, hop in, boys,” Kes ushered them inside the car. “It’s pouring like crazy.”

Finn and Poe got into the backseat together. “Thank you for bringing me home,” Finn said again the moment everyone was in the car and the doors were firmly closed.

Kes looked at him through the mirror and smiled, which made his eyes all crinkly, same as Poe’s. Those kind eyes that had made him want to pour his heart out earlier this evening, and the same kind eyes that Poe was always regarding the world with. “Of course, Finn, don’t worry about it. You don’t live far, and I get to see where Luke lives now.”

Finn returned the smile but didn’t say anything else to that because there was still a weird vibe between Luke and Kes, and he didn’t know where it came from because nobody talked about it. Instead, he turned his body toward Poe who was looking at him with hooded eyes and a gentle smile. He looked all tired and soft, just like he had moments before when they were cuddling in bed. Finn still felt tingly all over just thinking about this. It brought a smile to his lips and he ran a hand through Poe’s curls, damp from the five seconds of exposure to the pouring rain.

Poe leaned slightly into the touch and followed Finn’s hand, which was an image he never wanted to forget for the rest of his life.

Not knowing what to do with his hand now that it wasn’t in Poe’s hair anymore, Finn rested it on the seat between them, palm up as a subtle invitation. Poe huffed with a smile and put his on top, lacing their fingers and closing his eyes.

Finn wanted to close his eyes, too, but he also really just wanted to stare at Poe’s pretty face that looked so at peace like he hadn’t seen before. The thought of kissing that perpetual smile struck his head and it would be so easy to lean in and close the few inches of distance between them. He wouldn’t, of course, but the thought was nice. Kes was in the car with them and Finn wasn’t all too comfortable yet with the thought of kissing Poe just like that in the first place, and even more so with someone else around.

It was like he was blocked in his movements, like his body was suddenly too aware of its every movement and tensed until he couldn’t do anything anymore.

A tiny sigh stole its way out of Finn and Poe looked up at him, but didn’t say anything when he caught Finn staring. Just moved a tiny bit closer, reseed his temple against the backrest of the middle seat between them, and Finn did the same. Their foreheads were resting against each other, their hands tangled, their soft exhales mixing. Much like before, and Finn didn’t even mind the fact that Kes could see them like that. Quiet music was coming from the speakers and Finn closed his eyes to bask in the moment for a while.

It took him a second to notice that Poe was humming, gently singing along to the song coming from the speakers.

“ _Take it easy with me, please. Touch me gently like a summer evening breeze. Take your time, make it slow. Andante, Andante. Just let the feeling grow._ ”

A soft chuckle came from the driver’s seat and Finn opened his eyes to see Kes looking at them with a kind but unreadable expression while Poe still sang along with that beautiful voice of his that was almost better than ABBA themselves. There was a very audible smile on his lips, too, and Finn knew that there was something private happening between him and his father right now. It warmed his heart, just like the illusion of Poe singing this song for him.

Never could he have imagined that two months after moving to a new town, he would be right here, right now. That he would get to have this. That he would get to have the Dameron family in his life like they were.

Beside him, Poe kept singing quietly and Finn settled in again, resting his head against Poe’s and closing his eyes. He remembered their kiss, their conversations. How everything was a bit heavy, and how safe he’d felt sharing his thoughts with Poe. He was getting better at this.

The warmth of the car and the dim light of the passing street lights made him comfortable and sleepy, and their ride was about fifteen minutes in this weather, so he embraced it.

He didn’t know the next song that came on, it was just as old-timey, something Luke would like, something about being tougher than the rest. Poe, however, knew every word to it. Of course he did. And of course his voice, deeper now, made Finn’s insides feel all mushy. And the way he sang something about being ready for love like it wasn’t just a song, it made his heart do a somersault. If he could, he would tell Kes to pull over, turn up the volume, and take Poe’s hand to dance with him. Finn didn’t know the first thing about dancing, but he wanted to sway with Poe along to this song. To every song. He just wanted to sway with Poe.

After another two songs and Finn’s primary focus being the way Poe’s thumb was stroking the back of his hand, Kes stopped the car and killed the engine. Only then did Finn blink open his tired eyes and notice that they had reached their destination.

He and Poe sat up simultaneously and looked at each other with soft, almost sheepish smiles.

“I really like it when you sing,” Finn murmured before he could stop himself, and was rewarded with a blush high on Poe’s cheeks and a laugh from the driver’s seat.

“Yeah, that boy can sing all right,” Kes nodded and looked at them through the rear-view mirror again. “No wonder he had all those bands.”

Poe kicked Kes’s seat lightly and chuckled. “Like father, like son, huh?”

“You sing, too?” Finn asked Kes with a smile.

“Just for fun,” Kes conceded.

“He’s the best,” Poe rolled his eyes. “Best folk songs you’ll ever hear.”

Finn grinned. “I’m sure. Rey wanted to be a professional singer once.” He turned to Poe, an idea forming in his head. “She’s amazing, you two should do a duet or something! I don’t know if she still wants to go professional, but she still loves it. At home there’s never a moment of silence, especially between us. Man, I think she would really like that.”

Poe smiled and squeezed his hand. “I’ll make sure to tell Snap and Jess and then we can peer-pressure her into singing, sound good?”

“Perfect,” Finn laughed. Then turned back to Kes and gave him a sincere smile. “Again, thank you for driving me, Mr Dameron. And for letting me stay so long, and-”

Kes interrupted him with a kind laugh. “You’re very welcome, Finn. And I told you to call me Kes. You’re invited to come over any time, really.” He turned awkwardly in his seat to reach out his hand for Finn to shake. “Oh, and remember what I told you earlier, okay?”

Right, the dinner proposal. Finn smiled and shook his hand. “Thank you. I will.”

Turning around in his seat again, Kes leaned back and grabbed a book from the other seat beside him. Poe laughed and unbuckled his seat belt, let go of Finn’s hand and motioned for them to get out.

The cold rain had soaked their clothes immediately, making them cold and uncomfortable, but Finn didn’t care and, apparently, neither did Poe who followed Finn to the front door.

“He knows I always take long, so he comes prepared and brings a book every time,” Poe explained, motioning to where his father had gotten comfortable with his book in the driver’s seat.

Finn laughed and pulled Poe in by the sleeves of the leather jacket he’d pulled on over the hideous orange sweater. “He’s a wise man, your dad.”

Poe stepped closer to him and entwined their hands in a gentle hold. “He certainly is. He’s a very wise man and a pain in my ass about it sometimes.”

“Oh, I believe that,” Finn grinned, then freed his hands and rested on Poe’s waist. There were lights on in the living room but the curtains drawn, the blinds shut. Chances of Luke seeing them like this were slim.

“Aren’t you worried they’ll see us?” Poe asked quietly, staring at Finn’s chest instead of meeting his eyes.

“Let him,” Finn shrugged with a conviction he didn’t quite feel.

“You sure?”

“No,” he conceded and felt Poe wanting to step away, crossing his arms in front of his chest and shrinking in on himself. And Finn really couldn’t have that. So he stepped closer to Poe instead and wrapped his arms around him properly, pulling him into his chest and resting his chin on top of Poe’s bowed head. “But what I’m sure about is that I want to hug you and I don’t want you to doubt this. And I don’t want to hide. I don’t _want_ to hide. I think I have to, for a little bit longer, but I don’t want to. So let me hug you, okay? Don’t want this date to end, and certainly not like this.”

Slowly, he felt Poe melt into him – as far as melting was possibly on a cold, rainy night like this when they were both soaked. “Okay. Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Finn promised and hugged him closer. “Not your fault. Never yours.”

“Okay,” Poe told him and wrapped his arms around Finn in turn and settled there with a small sigh.

The cold from the rain had reached his bones now and the thought of a hot shower and then burying himself underneath his blanket sounded very sexy, but the reality of hugging Poe in front of his house, in front of Kes who was immersed in his book, was even more thrilling. Warm in a way showers and blankets couldn’t possibly be.

“You’re shivering,“ Poe murmured where his forehead was pressed against the juncture of Finn’s neck.

Finn nodded but didn’t make any moves to separate so they could each retreat to the inviting warmth just a few steps away. Right now, nothing was more inviting than Poe’s arms.

“I should probably go,” Poe added. “Let you go get warm and dry again.”

“Probably,” Finn agreed.

“Otherwise you’ll freeze to death. Or catch a cold and then you can’t come to school and then you’ll feel bad about that and also I can’t see you then. _So_. I should probably go,” he repeated but still made no move to step away. On the contrary, he took a half step closer and buried himself in Finn even more.

It was perfect. Finn felt perfect and Poe was perfect and everything about today was perfect. So utterly, impossibly perfect that Finn didn’t even think about it when he pulled back a bit and pressed a kiss against Poe’s cheek, and then another one higher against his temple before resting his head on Poe’s again. He closed his eyes and breathed through the urge to cry from how good he felt, and Poe tightened his arms around him again. Then he pulled back and searched Finn’s eyes with an extremely soft look, like Poe didn’t know what to do with his thoughts and feelings either.

He looked at him like Finn was everything, and it was heavy between them, the air sizzling where it wasn’t disrupted by the steady pour of raindrops. Finn felt the corners of his lips tug up into a smile he couldn’t hide, and he didn’t want to hide it. He didn’t want to hide. He wanted Poe to look at him like this always, no matter how heavy it made the air around them.

Poe briefly looked down at his lips, then bit his own, but before Finn could panic at the thought of Poe kissing him again, right here where Luke could see and when Finn wasn’t prepared, before the look could get too heavy, Poe ducked his head and hid his own smile. And Finn felt safe again. Had never stopped feeling safe. Poe wouldn’t kiss him now, not again, not until he was ready. Poe smiled instead. He always smiled, always so warm. Let Finn take the reins again, went with his pace.

Finn couldn’t help it when he stepped in again and pressed another soft kiss against Poe’s inviting, wet forehead. Poe chuckled under his lips and moved in for another silent hug.

“Goodnight, Finn,” he whispered and kissed Finn’s cheek before moving away again.

“Goodnight, Poe,” he said gently and took a step back, lest this might never end. “I had a wonderful day. Thank you.”

“Me, too. I’m glad it was good.”

“We should do it again some time,” Finn grinned.

“We totally should. Now go inside or you’ll really catch a cold,” Poe laughed and shoved him lightly towards the door.

“You just want to get rid of me,” Finn chuckled but walked the last few steps up to his door. Backward, still facing a grinning Poe. Wondered If his cheeks hurt, too.

“Yeah, that’s right, absolutely, no other explanation, no sir!“

“I knew it,“ Finn shook his head in mock disappointment.

“You’re a smart man, Skywalker!”

“And you’re pretty, Dameron!”

“And don’t you forget that,” Poe threatened as he walked back to where his dad was waiting in the car.

They looked at each other for another moment before Finn turned around to open the door to his house.

* * *

Poe closed the car door behind himself and grabbed the towel that had miraculously appeared on the front seat. Or, not miraculously if the secret smile on his paps’s lips were any indication.

“Thanks,” he said as he dried his face and his hair briefly, basking in the warmth of the truck and the soft tunes coming from the CD player. The Cure this time. _Just Like Heaven_. Yeah, that was pretty much how he was feeling right now.

They sat there in silence for a while and Poe waited until Kes could find a place to mark the page and leave the chapter. There were warm smiles on both of their faces and Poe didn’t feel like talking for once. No words could describe how he was feeling.

“You look happy,” Kes said as he finally marked the page and put away the book he was reading. _2001: Space Odyssey,_ Poe noted. What a nerd. Kes didn’t wait for a reply, just started the engine and pulled out of the Skywalkers’ driveway, the rain still pouring outside.

Poe saw movement in the upstairs window and his cheeks were starting to hurt from smiling. That’s when he remembered that Kes had said something. “I _am_ happy,” he told him.

Beside him, there was a good-natured snort. “You’re pretty bad at hiding it, yeah.”

“No need to hide it. Mama said to never hide it,” Poe said gently, surprised at where that came from.

Kes hummed and smoothly shifted gears, the soft rumbling of their old car in perfect harmony with the rain pattering against the windshield. “That she did. She was a wise woman.” Poe nodded but didn’t say anything, not willing to taint this evening with sadness. “She would have liked him,” Kes added quietly after a minute.

“She would, yeah,” Poe mused, thinking about his proposal to Finn earlier. “Would also give him the shovel talk. And make him promise not to hurt me ever.” He laughed, imagining that.

“The poor boy would be so intimidated,” Kes joined in and looked over to him. “I’m an old softie, though, I can’t help it.”

“You’re amazing, paps.” Poe said, turning his body toward him in a way that would usually get a warning, but not tonight. Tonight was soft, and his paps wouldn’t bother him with the correct way to sit. Looking at his him, Poe noticed that he, too, looked happy. Relieved, kind of. He hadn’t seen him so at peace since his mama died, and it made his heart both ache and feel light at the same time. “Thank you for this,” he murmured.

“I love you, _mijo_. I love that you’re happy. And I really like Finn.”

“Yeah,” Poe smiled. “I really like him, too.”

They were almost all the way home when Kes spoke up again, tentatively this time. “I thought…” he hesitated, and Poe had to prompt him before he would continue, taking a breath. “I thought that maybe it would bother me. That maybe I’d only said it because I love you, but secretly I would be uncomfortable.”

When Kes stopped, Poe sat up some and looked at him properly. He didn’t understand. “What do you mean?”

“When you said you were gay,” Kes explained. “And I said it was okay, that I love you no matter who you love. And, like, I knew it was true, I knew there was nothing on this planet that could make me love you less. I knew that. I _know_ that.”

He said that with such intense conviction that Poe couldn’t help but nod along, reassure him. “I know, paps. I know you love me, what—"

“But I was worried. That maybe I wouldn’t be okay and that I would hurt you and disappoint you.”

“Papá,” Poe tried and reached out, but Kes shook his head.

“Seeing you today. You two together, I-” he swallowed. “I don’t know how anyone could not be okay with that. That was– I’m just– I’m just so glad you told me. And I’m so glad you found him. And that he looks at you the way I looked at your mother.”

Poe felt the need to protest here, but in the face of the tears in the corner of his papa’s eyes, he didn’t. This was for him as much as it was for himself, so Poe let it happen. Let him ramble. Like father, like son.

The car stopped and they were in their own driveway, but neither of them moved. “And I’m so happy that you’re happy,” Kes continued. With a sheepish, wet laugh he added, “And I’m so relieved that I’m okay with this.”

For a while, Poe didn’t say anything, couldn’t possibly say anything without crying the moment he opened his mouth. So he took his papa’s hand and gripped his mama’s dog tags with the other. When he closed his eyes, he could picture his mama there with them, too. Telling him how proud she was, how much she loved him, and how much she would hurt Luke if he was mean to Finn.

A wet laugh bubbled out of his own throat then and he couldn’t hold back the tears anymore but they were mixed with laughter, and then his papa joined him too with the exact same predicament, and that was just how the Dameron family worked. Nobody was alone, nobody had to feel or think on their own because the other would be right there.

“I’m relieved that you’re okay with this, too,” Poe said after a while, tear-streaked smile still on his face. “Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

But Kes shook his head and gripped his hand tighter. “Don’t you dare be sorry, it’s okay. It’s so okay.”

Poe nodded and leaned over the center console into his paps who tugged him in with open arms. It was uncomfortable and the gear shift was pressing into his ribs, but it was warm and smelled like safety and he wouldn’t trade it for the world. For dry clothes, maybe, but not for much more. He wondered if Finn would be okay, too. If Luke would like him, _them_ , too. If Luke could accept it as easily as Kes had. He hoped so. Gods, did he hope so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
> (Yes, I made this meme myself. Yes, I live by it. Yes, I love them very much. And what about it?)
> 
> Whew! A kiss! What do we think? 👀  
> I hope you liked this chapter! If so, please let me know! As always, thank you for reading, thank you for loving, thank you for being alive!
> 
> And special thanks to all my friends in real-life whom I have bullied into reading this, and also the friends on [tumblr](https://happybeeps-nat.tumblr.com/) whom I just keep annoying with this! I love all of you! Feel free to pop by on tumblr!


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